重色輕友
丹尼爾單身一人，模樣英俊，他和我是好朋友。一天風和日麗，我們坐進他的賽車兜風。碰到紅燈，我們停住，注意到一個迷人的金發女郎坐在一輛紅色篷車的方向盤邊。
“我和你在一塊兒真是太糟了，”我和丹尼爾開玩笑說，“現在她不會注意你了。”
還沒等我說完，丹尼爾就一聲不吭地探過身，打開平衡杆。我突然發現自己幾乎平躺在後邊，離開了人們的視野。
16 Distance
A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:
The lawyer: Did you actually see the accident?
The witness: Yes, sir.
The lawyer: How far away were you when the accident happened?
The witness: Thirty‐one feet, six and one quarter inches.
The lawyer(thinking he’d trap the witness): Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?
The witness: Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question.
距離
一起汽車事故的目擊證人正在作證。以下對話發生在律師和這名證人之間：
律師：你真的看見這起事故了嗎？
證人：是的，先生。
律師：事故發生時你離現場有多遠？
證人：31英尺6.25英寸。
律師（認為他已經將證人誘進他設下的圈套裏了）：那麼，先生，你能告訴陪審團你怎麼能如此精確地知道這其中的距離嗎？
證人：因為事故發生時我拿卷尺測量了距離，我就知道肯定會有某個蠢律師會問我這個問題。
17 I’m Calling to Report My Neighbor
The phone rang at FBI headquarters.
“Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood! ”
“Thank you very much for the report, sir. ”
The next day, FBI agents descended on the neighbor’s house. They searched the shed where the firewood was kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but found no marijuana. They swore at the neighbor and left.
The phone rang at the neighbor’s house.“Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?”
“Yep.”
“Did they chop yout firewood? ”
“Yep.”
“Great, now, it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”
檢舉揭發
聯邦調查局總部的電話響了。
“喂？我打電話來舉報鄰居克裏福德，他在柴堆裏藏了大麻！”
“先生，很感謝你舉報。”
第二天，聯邦調查局的特工突然出現在鄰居家。他們搜索了木柴棚，用爺子劈開了每一根木柴，就是沒有找到大麻。他們咒罵了一頓後就走了。
鄰居家的電話響了。“嗨，克裏福德，聯邦調查局的人來了嗎？”
“來了。”
“他們劈了柴火嗎？”
“劈了。”
“好極了，現在輪到你打電話了。我們家的花園該犁一犁了。”
18 Suitcase
Only one seat in the train was unoccupied but there was a large suitcase on it.“Is this suitcase yours, sir?”asked a commuter.
“No, my friend’s. ”replied the man sitting opposite,“She’s just gone out to buy a paper. ”
A few minutes later, the whistle sounded and the train began to move off. Immediately, the commuter grabbed the suitcase, hurled it through the window, and lowered himself into the vacant seat.
“What the devil are you doing?”shouted the man opposite.
“Well, your friend has lost her train, ”said the commuter with a smile,“but there’s no need for her to lose her suitcase as well.”
手提箱
車廂裏隻有一個空位，但那上麵卻放著一隻大手提箱。一名上班族上車後問道：“先生，這箱子是你的嗎？”
“不，是我朋友的，”坐在對麵的那個人回答說，“她剛下車去買報紙了。”
幾分鍾後，汽笛響起，火車啟動。上班族二話沒說抓起手提箱，就扔到了窗外，然後坐在了空位上。
“你這到底是幹什麼？”坐在對麵的那個人大聲叫道。
“噢，你的朋友沒趕上火車，”上班族麵帶微笑地說，“可不能讓她再把手提箱也丟了。”
19 Perfect Match
A wealthy matron is so proud of a valuable antique vase that she decides to have her bedroom painted the same color as the vase. Several painters try to match the shade, but none comes close enough to satisfy the eccentric woman.
Eventually, a painter who is confident he can mix the proper color approaches. The woman is pleased with the result, and the painter becomes famous.
Years later, he retires and turns the business over to his son.“Dad, ”says the son,“there’s something I want to know. How did you get those walls to match the vase so perfectly?”“Son, ”the father replies,“I painted the vase. ”
絕配
一位富婆為擁有一隻珍貴的古玩花瓶而深感驕傲，以至於要把臥室漆成與花瓶同樣的顏色。幾名油漆匠試圖調出這個底色，但是誰也不能令那位古怪的婦女滿意。
最後來了位油漆匠，他非常自信能調出那種顏色。那位富婆對他的成果非常滿意，油漆匠於是一舉成名。
多年以後，他退休了，生意也交給了兒子。“爸爸，”兒子說，“有件事我想弄清楚，您是怎樣使牆的顏色與花瓶配得那麼完美的？”“兒子，”父親回答說，“我漆了花瓶。”
20 What’s on Your Back
Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German,“What do you want on your back for your whipping? ”
The German responds,“I will take oil!”So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he finished, the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.
The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican,“What do you want on your back? ”
“I will take nothing! ”says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.
“What will you take on your back? ”The Amazons ask the American.
He responds,“I’ll take the Mexican. ”
你的背上放什麼東西
三個人正在亞馬遜河旅遊，一個德國人，一個美國人，還有一個墨西哥人。他們被當地亞馬遜人給抓住了。部落首領對德國人說：“你要挨鞭子了，你想在你背上放什麼東西？”
德國人回答說：“我想要油！”於是他們倒了些油在他背上，一個大個子亞馬遜人鞭打了他十下。打完之後，德國人背上一大片鞭痕，幾乎不能動彈。
亞馬遜人把德國人扔在一邊，問墨西哥人：“你呢？想放什麼在你背上？”
“什麼都不要！”墨西哥人說。他站得筆直，承受那十下鞭打，絲毫沒有退縮。
“你要放什麼在你背上呢？”亞馬遜人問美國人。
他答道：“我要那個墨西哥人。”
21 A New York Lawyer
A New York divorce lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter asked him,“What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?”
The lawyer thought a moment, then said,“A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment, Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said,“Well, that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.”
The lawyer said,“Wait! Wait! There’s more! Three years ago, I also gave a homeless person a quarter.”
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel,“Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”
Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,“Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”
一名紐約律師
一名紐約離婚律師死後，來到了天國之門。
聖彼得問他：“你做過什麼，使得你有資格進入天堂？”
律師想了一會兒，然後說：“一周前，我給了大街上一位流浪漢一枚兩角五分的硬幣。”
聖彼得讓加百利去檔案裏核實一下，一會兒之後加百利證實這件事是真的。
聖彼得說：“嗯，不錯，但這還不足以讓你進入天堂。”
律師說：“等等！還有別的！三年前我還給了一名流浪漢兩角五分。”
聖彼得向加百利點點頭，一會兒，加百利點頭證實這也經過核實了。
聖彼得向加百利耳語道：“那麼，你覺得我們應該怎麼處置這家夥呢？”
加百利斜眼瞧著律師，對聖彼得說：“我們還給他五十美分，把他打發到地獄裏去吧。”
22 The Cleverest Son
Once upon a time, there was an old merchant who had three sons.
“To whom shall I leave my fortune?”he wondered,“It must be the cleverest son. But which one is the cleverest?”
He called his three sons to him.“Here is some money. ”he told them,“You must each take one coin to buy something that will fill this room. The one who can do this shall have my fortune.”
“It is a big room,”said the eldest son.
“One coin will not buy very much,”said the second son.
But the youngest son said nothing. He thought a while, and then he smiled.“Come, brothers,”he said.“Let us to the market.”
The eldest son bought straw with his coin. But one coin bought only a bit of straw. Even when he had spread it as much as he could, the straw covered only a corner of the room.
The second son bought sand with his coin. But one coin bought only a bit of sand. Even when he had spread it as he could, the sand covered only half of the floor.
“What did you buy?”the elder sons angrily asked the youngest,“You don’t have any straw or any sand.”
“I bought this.”said the youngest son.
“A candle!”cried the brothers,“What good is candle?”
“Watch.”said the youngest son.
He lit the candle, and all at once the room was filled with light!