1 Handsome Man
In a crowded bus.
Woman: I want to know which handsome man will give me his seat.
Four men stood up at the same time.
帥哥
在一輛擁擠的公共汽車上。
女人：“我想知道哪位帥哥願意把座位讓給我。”
四個男子同時站了起來.。
2 Fat Man and Thin Man
A very thin man met a very fat man in the hotel lobby.
“From your looks,”said the fat man,“there might have been a famine. ”
“Yes,”was the reply,“and from your looks, you might have caused it. ”
胖子和瘦子
在旅館大廳裏，一個非常瘦的人遇到了一個非常胖的人。
胖子說：“看你的樣子，肯定有過饑荒。”
“是的，”瘦子回答說，”看你的樣子，饑荒是你造成的。”
3 Big Surprise
Visitor: Is this a healthy place to live in?
Local yokel: Yes, sir. When I arrived here, I couldn’t walk or eat solid food.
Visitor: What was the matter with you?
Local yokel: Nothing— I was born here.
大吃一驚
遊客：“住在這樣一個地方是有益健康嗎？”
當地鄉巴佬：“是的，先生。我剛到這裏時，既不會走路也不能吃硬東西。”
遊客：“你怎麼了？”
當地鄉巴佬：“沒什麼——我就出生在這個地方。”
4 Can Not Stop
The woman ahead of me in a long line at the department of motor vehicles was reading a paperback romance novel. I inched along behind her.
When her turn finally came, she stepped aside, saying,“You go on ahead. I can’t stop now. He’s just carried her into his castle!”
無法停下來
人們在機動車部排著長隊，排在我前麵的一位婦女在看一部平裝本言情小說。我在她身後一點點向前挪動。
當最後輪到她時，她卻讓到一邊說：“你先來。我現在無法停下來。他剛剛把她帶進城堡！”
5 The Best Stimulant
A patient said to his doctor,“Doctor, please give me something that will stimulate me, excite me, and put me in a very, very highly stimulated spirit, a fighting, excited spirit. ”
So the doctor said,“Don’t worry, take this, and after you see the bill, you will have all these feelings. ”
最佳興奮劑
病人跟醫生說：“醫生，請給我一些可以振奮、刺激、讓我充滿鬥誌的藥。”
醫生說：“別擔心，這個拿去，看到這張賬單以後，你要的這些就都會有了。”
6 All Your Life
A young lady was introduced to a millionaire not long after the death of his wife. When the two met for the first time, the old man asked the lady,“You know, I’m over seventy and don’t know how long I can live. Would you love me all your life?”
“Yes, of course, I’ll love you all your life. ”
你的一生
一位百萬富翁老伴去世後，有人給他介紹了一位年輕女子。他倆首次見麵時，老翁問她：“你知道，我已經七十多了，不知道還能活多久，你會在你一生中都愛我嗎？”
“是的，當然。我會在你一生中愛你的。”
7 Lawyer’s Answer
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked,“How much is 2+2?”
The housewife replies,“Four!”
The accountant says,“I think it’s either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my calculater one more time. ”
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice,“How much do you want it to be?”
律師的回答
有人問一個家庭主婦，一個會計與一個律師同一個問題：“2加2等於幾？”
“4。”家庭主婦立刻回答。
“我認為不是3就是4，讓我拿計算器再算一遍。”會計回答。
律師拉上窗簾，弄暗燈光，然後低聲問道：“你想讓它等於幾？”
8 The Autograph
The student newspaper at the University of South Dakota runs a weekly question feature. Recently, the question was: Whose autograph would you most want to have, and why?
As expected, most responses mentioned music or sports stars, or politicians.
The best response came from a freshman, who said,“The person who signs my diploma. ”
簽名
南達科塔大學的學生報開設有“每周一問”專欄。最近一次的問題是：“你最想得到誰的簽名？為什麼？”
正如所料，大部分學生的回答都是音樂、體育明星或政治家。
最佳回答來自一個大一新生，他說：“簽署我畢業證書的那個人。”
9 A Moron
One day a college professor of psychology asked his new college class,“Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?”
After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.
“Well, hello there sir. So you actually think you’re a mo‐ron?”the professor asked.
The kid replied,“No, sir, I just didn’t want to see you standing there all by yourself. ”
白癡
一天，一位大學心理學教授在他新教的班上問道：“你們中有誰以為自己很蠢，請站起來好嗎？”
沉默了大約一分鍾，一個小夥子站了起來。
“噢，先生，你好。這麼說，你真以為自己是白癡嗎？”教授問。
年輕人答道：“不，先生，我隻是不忍心看你一個人站在那裏。”
10 A New Employee
Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director’s office.
“What is the meaning of this? ”the director asked,“When you applied for the job, you told us you had three years’experience. Now we discover this is the first job you ever had. ”
“Well, ”the young man said,“in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination. ”
新職員
一個年輕人在被雇用幾個星期後，被叫到人事經理的辦公室。
“這是什麼意思？”經理問，“當你申請這份工作時，你告訴我們有三年工作經驗。現在我們發現這其實是你的第一份工作。”
“嗯，”年輕人回答，“你們的廣告上說需要找一個有想象力的人啊。”
11 It’s Hard to Tell One from the Other
We have a set of six-year-old twins in the family, Cary and Duke. Sometimes it’s hard to tell one from the other. At family parties, it’s common to hear,“I'm not Cary. I’m Duke.”or“I’m not Duke, I'm Cary. ”
At a party a cousin asked,“Cary, do you like another cake?”The boy was a little annoyed and answered,“I’m not Cary. ”After a moment, looking surprised, he added,“Wait a minute. I am Cary. ”
雙胞胎難辨
我們家有一對六歲的雙胞胎兄弟，名字分別叫凱裏和杜克。有時真的很難區分他們。在家庭聚會中就經常能聽到哥倆說“我不是凱裏，我是杜克”或者“我不是杜克，我是凱裏”。
在一次聚會中，一個表姐問：“凱裏，你要不要再來塊蛋糕？”這個男孩有點惱怒地回答說：“我不是凱裏。”過了一會兒，他表情有些驚訝，連忙補充道：“等等，我是凱裏。”
12 The 15th Vice President
“Good morning, sir, ”a confident young man said as he approached the bank manager,“Has your institution any need for a highly intelligent, college‐trained man?”
“What kind of position are you seeking?”asked the manager.
“I want something in the executive line—a vice presidency for example. ”
“I’m sorry. We already have 14 vice presidents. ”
“Oh, that’s all right, ”said the young man,“I’m not superstitious. ”
第十五位副行長
“早上好，先生，”一個年輕人走近銀行經理時自信地說，“你們的機構需要一個非常聰明、受過大學教育的人嗎？”
“你想要什麼樣的職位？”經理問道。
“我想在管理層得到一個職位——比如說副行長。”
“對不起。我們已經有十四個副行長了。”
“噢，沒事兒，”那個年輕人說。“我不迷信。”
13 Who Should Change
A collecting service company recently launched an 800 number that was identical to mine. Since then I was getting swamped with wrong calls. When I called to complain, they told me to get a new number.“I’ve had mine for ten years.”I pleaded,“Could you change yours?”They refused. So I said,“Fine. From now on I’m going to tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full.”The company got a new number the next day.
誰該換？
一家討債公司最近開通了一個800的免費電話，正好和我的一樣。從那以後，我就被那些打錯了的電話弄得焦頭爛額。我打電話抱怨這件事的時候，他們讓我換個新號碼。“這個號碼我都用了十年了，”我請求說，“能把你們的號碼換一下嗎？”可他們拒絕了。於是我就說：“好吧。那從現在開始，我就告訴每一個打電話過來的人，說他們的賬單已經付清了。”第二天，這家公司就換了一個新號碼。
14 The Bill
“What’s this daily charge for fruit?”the hotel patron asked the manager,“We didn’t eat any.”
“But the fruit was placed in your room every day. It isn’t our fault that you didn’t take advantage of it. ”
“I see.”said the man as he subtracted $120 from the bill.
“What are you doing?”sputtered the manager.
“I’m subtracting 120 dollars a day for your kissing my wife. ”
“What? I didn’t kiss your wife. ”
“Um, ”replied the man,“but she was there.”
賬單
“你為什麼每天都要收我們水果費？我們一個也沒吃。”男旅客問經理。
“可水果放在你們的房間裏。你們自己不去享受是我的錯嗎？”
“我明白了。”男旅客說著從賬單上減去了120美元。
經理氣急敗壞地說：“你這是在幹嗎？”
“我是在扣除每天你吻我太太的120美元。”
“你說什麼？我沒吻過你的太太。”
“呃，”那人回答說，“可她每天都在那裏。”
15 To Take Love More Seriously than Friendship
Deniel is single and good‐looking, and he and I are just friends. One sunny day while riding together in his sports car, we stopped at a red light and noticed an attractive blond girl at the wheel of a red convertible.
“Too bad I’m with you. ”I teased Deniel,“Now she won’t even notice you. ”
Before I finished my sentence, Deniel wordlessly reached over and flipped a lever. Suddenly I found myself almost flat on the back, conveniently out of sight.