1 I Think That I Am a Bird
Psychiatrist: What’s your problem?
Patient: I think I’m a bird.
Psychiatrist: How long has fhis been going on?
Patient: Ever since I was an egg!
我認為自己是一隻鳥
精神病醫生：你怎麼了？
病人：我覺得自己是一隻鳥。
精神病醫生：這種情況有多久了？
病人：從我是一隻蛋開始！
2 Does He Bite
Harry: We have got a new dog. Would you like to come around and play with him?
Joe: Well, I don’t know—does he bite?
Harry: That’s what I want to find out.
它咬人嗎
哈利：“我們又得到了一條新狗，你願意過來和它玩一會兒嗎？”
喬：“嗯，我不知道——它咬人嗎？”
哈利：“這正是我想要知道的。”
3 Put the Peach Back on the Tree
John: I had a rough time this norning. The farmer caught me in one of his peach trees.
Donna：Gosh!What did you do?
John: I told him one of his peaches fell down and I was trying to put it back!
把桃子放回樹上去
約翰：我今天早晨非常不順。那個農民在他的一棵桃樹上抓住了我。
堂娜：天啊！你幹了些什麼呀？
約翰：我告訴他他的一個桃子掉在地上了，我隻是想把它放回去。
4 I Did Not
Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted:“I am Napoleon!”
Another one said,“How do you know?”
The first inmate said,“God told me!”
Just then, a voice from another room shouted,“I did not!”
我才沒有
一天深夜，瘋人院裏一個病人大叫道：“我是拿破侖！”
另一個問：“你怎麼知道？”
第一個病人回答：“上帝告訴我的！”
這時，另一個房間裏有人吼道：“我才沒有！”
5 Poisonous Snakes
Father and son snake are out for nice ofternoon.
The son asks,“Dad, are we poisonous snakes?”
The father replies proudly,“Yes, son, we are rattler snakes! Why do you ask so?”
“Because dad, I just bite my tongue!”
毒蛇
一個陽光明媚的下午，蛇父親和蛇兒子出去散步。
兒子問：“爸爸，我們是毒蛇嗎？”
父親得意地答道：“當然了，孩子，我們是響尾蛇啊！為什麼這麼問呢？”
“因為，剛才我把舌頭咬破了！”
6 Frog
The teacher was lecturing his class in biology and said,“Now I’ll show you this frog in my pocket.”
He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich. He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said,“That’s funny. I distinctly remember I have had my lunch.”
青蛙
老師正在給學生上生物課，說道：“現在，我將要給你們看我袋子裏的這隻青蛙。”
接著，他把手伸進口袋，卻拿出了一份雞肉三明治。老師滿臉困惑地看了一眼，沉思了一會兒，說道：“真奇怪。我明明記得我已經把午飯吃掉了。”
7 Pose for Pictures
One day my friend Isaac and I were exploring the beautiful Rocky Mountains.
Handing my camera to Isaac, I embarked on a precarious climb, hoping to reach a cave high on a cliff wall. After an arduous ascent, I finally reached the cave and turned to pose for photographic testimony of my accomplishment.
As I waved to ant‐size Isaac, I heard his faint call to me,“How do you work this camera?”
拍照留念
有一天，我和朋友艾薩克到美麗的落基山探險。
我將照相機遞給艾薩克，爬上一個陡峭的地方，希望到達高聳在崖壁上的一個洞穴。我費了九牛二虎之力終於登上那個洞穴後，轉過來做了個姿勢，準備將自己的光輝形象照下來留作紀念。
我向下麵像螞蟻一樣大小的艾薩克招手時，聽到他聲音微弱地衝我喊道：“你這照相機怎麼用？”
8 Tell Horses Apart
Two blondes went to the market.While they were there, they each bought a horse.
When they got home, they discussed how to tell their horses apart. They decided to cut the tail off of one. That worked for a while, but soon the tail grew back.So they decided that they would break one of the horses’legs.
One of the blondes said,“Which of the horses should we break the leg off of, the brown one or the white one?”
區分馬
兩名金發女人到市場去。她們到了那兒以後，每人買了一匹馬。
回到家後，她們商量著如何把她們的馬區分開來，於是她們決定剪掉其中一匹的尾巴。這管用了一段時間，但很快尾巴長回原來的樣子了，於是她們又決定砍掉其中一匹馬的腿。
一名金發女人說：“我們應該把哪匹馬的腿砍掉呢？棕色那一匹還是白色那一匹？”
9 Space Race
A Russian, an American, and a blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said,“We were the first in space!”
The American said,“We were the first on the moon!”
The blonde said,“So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!”
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads,“You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!”
The blonde replied,“We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!”
太空競賽
一天，一名俄羅斯人、一名美國人和一位金發女郎正在聊天。
俄羅斯人說：“我們最先進入太空！”
美國人說：“我們最先登上月球！”
金發女郎說：“那又怎麼樣？我們將最先抵達太陽！”
俄羅斯人和美國人對視了一眼，然後搖頭說：“你不可能抵達太陽，笨蛋！你會被烤焦的！”
女郎回答說：“我們才不笨呢，我們將在晚上去那兒。”
10 Chewing Gum
James was making his first airplane flight from Dublin to London. He was handed some chewing gums by the hostess.“What’s this for, Miss?”he asked.
“That’s to stop your ears popping as the plane gains altitude.”said the hostess.
Two and a half hours later, James passed the hostess on his way out of the plane.“That was a grand experience, Miss, ”he said,“but just tell me one thing. ”
“Yes？”
“How to get the chewing gum out of my ears？”
口香糖
詹姆斯第一次坐飛機，從都柏林飛往倫敦。空中小姐給他遞了些口香糖。“這是幹什麼用的，小姐？”他問。
“它可以防止飛機上升時引起的耳膜鼓脹。”空中小姐說。
兩個半小時後，詹姆斯在走下飛機路過那位空中小姐身邊時問：“小姐，這真是了不起的經曆，但請你告訴我一件事。”
“什麼事？”
“怎麼才能把口香糖從耳朵裏取出來？”
11 Small White Rabbit Fishing
The first day, the small white rabbit went to riverside fishing, anything had not fished, then went home.
The second day, the small white rabbit went to riverside fishing, anything had not fished, went home again.
The third day, when the small white rabbit just arrived at the riverside, a big fish jumped from the river, and yelled to the small white rabbit,“You, if dares to work with carrot as the bait again, I’ll flatly die you!”
小白兔釣魚
第一天，小白兔來到河邊釣魚，什麼也沒釣到，於是回家去了。
第二天，小白兔來到河邊釣魚，還是什麼也沒釣到，又回家去了。
第三天，小白兔剛走到河邊，河裏躍出一條大魚，對小白兔吼道：“你，如果敢再拿胡蘿卜當誘餌。我一定殺了你！”
12 One for the Price of Two
There was a shop that sold chickens and a woman came in and wanted to buy a chicken. so the shopkeeper brought out a chicken and gave it to her, saying,“This one is thirty dollars. ”And the woman said,“Oh, that’s too small. Don’t you have something bigger?”
But the man didn’t, so he took that chicken and weighed it again somewhere and then said,“Here’s a bigger one, this one is forty dollars. ”
So the woman said,“OK, I’ll take both of them.”
一物二價
有一家賣雞的店，一個女人走進店裏想買一隻雞。老板抓出一隻雞給她說：“這隻三十元。”那位女士說：“噢，這隻太小了，有沒有大一點兒的？”
老板沒有更大隻的雞，就把剛才那隻雞拿到裏麵再秤一次，然後跟顧客說：“這裏有一隻比較大，賣四十元。”
那位女士說：“好，那兩隻我都要！”
13 Flying Turtle
Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate,“Dear, ”she chirped,“I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted. ”
飛翔的海龜
在森林的深處，一隻小海龜開始準備爬樹。幾小時的努力後他終於到達了樹頂，向前一躍，在空中擺動了幾下前腿便摔到了地上。
恢複體力後，他再次慢慢地爬上樹梢，一躍，然後又摔了下去。可憐的小海龜一次又一次的努力都被棲息在樹枝上的一對鳥夫婦看在眼裏。
最後，鳥夫人轉過頭看著她的丈夫。“親愛的，”她說，“我認為現在是時候告訴他，他是我們領養的了。”
14 The Ability of the Kangaroo
The zoo built a special seven‐foot‐high enclosure for its newly acquired kangaroo, but the next morning the animal was found hopping around outside. The height of the fence was increased to 12 feet, but the kangaroo got out again. Exasperated, the zoo director had the height increased to 50 feet, but the kangaroo still escaped.
A giraffe asked the kangaroo,“How high do you think they’ll build the fence?”
“I don’t know. ”said the kangaroo,“Maybe 500 feet if they keep leaving the gate unlocked.”
袋鼠的能力
動物園為剛引進的袋鼠建了一個特殊的七英尺高的圍場，但是第二天早上，人們發現這個家夥在圍牆外麵蹦跳著。於是圍牆高度增加到十二英尺，但袋鼠還是跑了出來。動物園經理甚感惱火，又叫人把圍牆高度加到五十英尺，但袋鼠還是逃了出來。
一個長頸鹿問袋鼠：“你認為他們會把圍牆建到多高？”
“我不知道，”袋鼠說，“如果他們繼續開著大門，可能要修到五百英尺吧。”
15 Special Kiss
An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of the horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun doesn’t shine. He dropped the horse’s tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging door of the saloon.
“Hold on there, Mister. ”said the sheriff,“Did I just see what I think I saw? ”
“Reckon you did, Sheriff, I got me some powerful chapped lips. ”
“And that cures them? ”the Sheriff asked.
“Nope, but it keeps me from licking them.”
特殊的親吻
在一個炎熱幹燥、灰塵滿天的日子，老牛仔騎馬來到鎮上。治安官坐在酒吧前看著老牛仔筋疲力盡地下馬，把馬拴在欄杆上。然後老牛仔慢慢走到馬後，提起馬尾巴，在太陽曬不到的地方使勁親了一下。他放下馬尾巴，上台階朝酒吧擺動的門走去。
“先生，等一等，”治安官說，“我剛才沒有看錯吧？”
“估計沒有，治安官，我的唇開裂得厲害。”
“那樣做就可以治愈嗎？”治安官問。
“不，但是我就不會去舔嘴唇了。”
16 Another Choice
An elderly doctor and a Presbyterian minister were seated next to each other on the plane. The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems. Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served.
When the charming air‐hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself. The hostess then asked the minister whether he wanted anything. He replied,“Oh no! Thank you. I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol. ”