為“媽媽”埋單
一個年輕人到超市選了幾樣東西，他注意到一個老太太總是跟著他。
年輕人覺得沒什麼事，就沒理會她，繼續購物。
最後他來到收銀處，老太太插到他的前麵。“原諒我，”她說，“抱歉，我總是盯著你讓你不舒服了。隻是因為你和我剛死去的兒子長得一模一樣。”
“很遺憾，”年輕人回答，“我可以為您做點什麼嗎？”“好的，”她說，“我走的時候你能跟我說‘媽媽再見’嗎？如果可以，會讓我好受一些。”“沒問題。”年輕人回答。
老太太走的時候，年輕人喊道：“媽媽再見！”年輕人覺得自己做了一件好事，讓別人覺得快樂，自己感覺好極了。輪到他結賬時，他看到總額是276.5美元。“怎麼有這麼多？”他問，“我買的東西不多啊！”“你媽媽說你會為她埋單。”收銀員說。
24 Caught by Cannibals
A Frenchman, an Englishman and an American were captured by cannibals.
The chief comes to them and says,“The bad news is that now we’ve caught you and we’re going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we’re going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die. ”
The Frenchman says,“I want a sword. ”The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says,“Vive la France! ”and runs himself through.
The Englishman says,“A pistol for me, please. ”The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says,“God saves the queen! ”and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says,“Give me a fork! ”The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.
There is blood gushing out all over, it’s horrible. The chief is appalled and asks,“My god, what are you doing? ”
And the New Yorker responds,“So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal! ”
被食人族抓住
一名法國人、一名英國人還有一名美國人被食人族抓住了。
首領走近他們說：“壞消息是，現在我們抓到你們了，要殺死你們。我們會把你們放進鍋裏，把你們煮了吃掉，然後我們會用你們的皮造一艘獨木舟。好消息是你們可以選擇死法。”
法國人說：“我要一把劍。”首領給了他一把劍，法國人大叫一聲：“自由萬歲！”然後拿劍穿過自己的胸膛。
英國人說：“請給我一支手槍。”首領遞給他一支手槍，英國人拿槍對著自己的腦袋說：“上帝保佑女王！”然後一槍打爆自己的頭。
美國人說：“給我一把叉子。”首領雖然覺得奇怪，但還是聳聳肩給了他一把。紐約人拿起叉子就往全身猛戳——胃部、腰、胸部的每一處。血噴得到處都是，非常恐怖。首領大駭，問：“天啊，你在幹嗎？”
美國人回答：“看你們這些愚蠢的食人族還怎麼做獨木舟！”
25 Lion and Lady
I had missed my afternoon train back to London and came to the theater only to see acrobats to while away the time.
Now I was quite relieved and felt the program“The Lion and the Lady”was really worth seeing.
She was beautiful, had long eyelashes, was wearing a bathing costume, and was holding a bar of chocolate in her teeth.
As a lion was set free, the audience broke into a storm of applause; they were filled with admiration for the director who managed to build up the tension by such simple means.
As the band struck up the ferocious animal put his fore paws on the lady’s shoulders, took the chocolate with his teeth and went away.
The audience was thrilled.
Presently the manager came.“Have you seen that? Who of you dare do such a thing?! I’ll give anyone ten‐pound who tries. Come on! ten‐pound!”he shouted waving a ten‐pound note.
In the dead silence that hung over the audience, a man’s voice was heard,“I’ll do it!”
“What?!”asked the manager, hardly able to believe his ears.
“Yes, ”repeated the man,“I will act the lion. ”
獅子和女郎
我沒趕上下午開往倫敦的火車，就來到劇院看馬戲打發時間。現在，我徹底放鬆，覺得“獅子和女郎”的節目確實值得一看。
她非常漂亮，長長的睫毛，穿著泳裝，嘴裏叼著一塊巧克力。
當一隻獅子從籠子裏放出來時，觀眾們響起暴風雨般的掌聲。他們對這個節目的導演嘖嘖稱讚，因為他略施小計，便讓場上的氣氛變得緊張起來。
音樂聲起，那隻凶猛的獅子將前爪搭在女郎的肩上，用牙齒叼走了那塊巧克力。
觀眾們都激動萬分。
這時，經理走出來，一邊喊，一邊揮舞著10英鎊的鈔票：“你們看到了吧？在場的哪位敢這樣做？誰願意試試，我就給誰10英鎊。來呀！10英鎊！”
觀眾席上鴉雀無聲。這時，響起了一個男人的聲音：“我能行！”
“什麼？！”經理問，幾乎難以置信。
“是的，”那個人重複道，“我要來當獅子。”
26 A Fish Tale
A big‐time negotiator was out fishing one day when he caught a strange looking fish. He reeled the fish in, unhooked it, and threw it on the ground next to him. The fish stared writhing in agony and, to the negotiator’s surprise, said,“Please throw me back into the lake and I’ll grant you three wishes.”
“Any three wishes, huh? ”The negotiator mused as visions of expensive fast cars and beautiful women paraded through his head.
“Fish,” he finally exclaimed,“give me five wishes and I’ll throw you back.”
“Sorry, ”the fish answered while struggling for breath,“only three wishes.”
The negotiator’s pride was at stake and after giving the matter some thought he announced,“What do you take me for? A sucker? I’ll settle for four wishes.”
“Only three. ”the fish murmured weakly.
Fuming, the man debated the pros and cons of accepting the three wishes or continuing to bargain for that one extra wish. Finally, the negotiator decided it wasn’t worth looking a gift fish in the mouth and said,“All right, fish, you win, three wishes.”
Unfortunately, by then, the fish was dead.
一條魚的故事
一天，一位一流的談判專家外出垂釣，釣到一隻長相怪異的魚。他把魚拉起來，取下魚鉤，把它扔到身旁的空地上。這條魚痛苦地在地上翻滾，令這位談判專家意想不到的是，它居然開口說道：“請把我放回湖裏，我將實現你的三個願望。”
“任何三個願望，是嗎？”這位專家沉思著，名貴的跑車以及漂亮女人的影像閃過大腦。
“魚兒，”他最終說，“答應我五個願望我就放過你。”
“對不起，”這條魚努力呼吸，回答說，“隻能三個願望。”
談判專家的尊嚴在受到挑戰，對這事仔細考慮了一會兒，他發話了：“你把我當成什麼了？一個笨蛋？滿足我四個願望好了。”
“隻有三個。”魚虛弱地呢喃。
有些生氣的專家在接受三個願望和繼續討價還價索要另一個願望之間權衡。最後，他認為將這麼一條神奇的魚吃掉不劃算，說：“好吧，魚，你贏了，就三個願望吧。”
不幸的是，這時那條魚已經死了。
27 Special Pig
Farmer Michael got out of his car, and while heading for his friend’s door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, and he asked,“Jack, how’d that pig get him a wooden leg?”
“Well Michael, that’s a mighty special pig! A wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods some time ago. That pig there ran into that boar and chased him away, saved my life!”
“And the boar tore up his leg?”“No, he was fine after that. But a bit later, we had that fire, startled in the shed up against the barn.Well, that pig started squealing like he was stuck, woke us up, and before we got out here, the pig had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved them all!”
“So, that’s when he hurt his leg, huh, Jack?”“No, Michael.He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond, I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out before I drownded. Sure did save my life.”
“And that was when he hurt his leg?”“Oh, no, he was fine.Cleaned him up, too.”
“Okay, Jack. So, just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?”
“Well, ”the farmer tells him,“a pig like that, you don’t want to eat all at once.
神奇的豬
農夫米歇爾走下車，正向他朋友家走去時，注意到一隻安著木腿的豬。他的好奇心被喚醒了，問道：“傑克，那隻豬怎麼會有木腿呢？”
“嗯，米歇爾，那可是一隻神奇的豬啊！不久前當我走在樹林中時，一隻野豬攻擊我，這隻豬飛奔過來把它趕走了。他救了我的命！”
“那隻野豬把他的腿給撕碎了？”“不，事後他安然無恙。但是不久以後我們家著火了，火是從倉庫前的棚開始燒起來的。那隻豬開始大叫，把我們都驚醒了，在我們趕出去之前，這家夥已經把所有的動物都帶出了倉庫，救了它們的命！”
“所以就是在那時候他的腿受傷了，傑克？”“不，米歇爾，他那時候隻是受了一點兒輕傷。後來，我的拖拉機撞到一塊岩石，然後從山上滾進了一個池塘裏麵，我被撞暈。當我醒過來的時候，發現這隻豬已經遊進池塘，在我差點兒淹死之際把我給拖上岸。自然，他又救了我一次。”
“他就在那時受的傷？”“噢，不，他沒事。還把他自己洗幹淨了呢。”
“好吧，傑克，快告訴我，他是怎樣安上木腿的呢？”
“嗯，”這個農夫告訴他，“像這樣的一隻豬，你可不想一次就把他吃掉吧。”
28 Who Had the Most Tragic Death
Three men stood by the Golden Gate and St. Peter said,“Sorry, we’re all filled up so only one of you can come into heaven. So, out of you three, the one who had the most tragic death of all may enter and the rest of you had better put on some sunscreen. ”
The first man spoke,“Well, I am a newlywed and I tend to get jealous of my wife and her male friends, so I forbid her to see any of them while I was at work. But today I came home early and saw two wine glasses on the coffee table and when I asked my wife what was going on, she blushed and was silent. I searched the entire house for her male friend and finally I spotted someone’s hands grasping the railing on our balcony. In a fit of rage I stomped on the hands until the rascal fell 12 stories down into the BFI bin below. When I realized he was still alive, I unhooked my fridge and threw it over the railing. In the process of doing this. I had a heart attack.”
St. Peter replied,“Wow, that’s too bad. Next?”
The second man began to speak,“I am a window washer and I was minding my own business and washing the 15th story windows at an apartment when my safety rope snapped and I began to fall. I reached out and in a stroke of luck, grabbed onto a balcony railing on the 12th story. I was trying to catch my breath and waited for someone to rescue me when some lunatic started to stomp on my hands until I lost my grip and fell into the BFI bin below. I opened my eyes in disbelief only to see a fridge come crashing down onto my head.”
St.Peter replied,“My, my...that is bad. Next?”
The third man spoke last,“Well, I was hiding in the fridge when...”
誰死得更慘
三個男人站在天門外，聖·彼得說：“對不起，我們這兒人滿為患，你們中隻有一個能進入天堂。所以，你們三人當中死得最慘的才能進入，其他隻能塗點遮光劑。”
第一個人說：“我剛結婚不久，很嫉妒我妻子和她的男性朋友，所以在我上班的時候禁止她見任何男性朋友。但今天我回家較早，看見茶幾上放了兩杯葡萄酒，當我問妻子發生了什麼時，她紅著臉不說話。我搜遍了整個屋子，想找出她的朋友，最後發現有個人的手抓住我家陽台的欄杆。我對著那雙手就是一陣狂踢，直到那個流氓從12樓掉下去，可惜下麵正好有一堆紙箱。當我得知他還活著時，就搬起家裏的冰箱從陽台上往下砸去，然後我突發心髒病身亡。”
聖·彼得說：“喔，夠慘的。下一個？”
第二個人開始說：“我是一個窗戶清潔工，我在清洗公寓15樓的窗戶時，安全帶不幸突然繃斷，我開始墜落。但幸運的是，我抓住了12樓陽台的欄杆。我屏住呼吸等人來救我，突然有個神經病使勁亂踢我的手，直到我失手掉進下麵的一堆紙箱。我睜開眼睛一看，一個冰箱正朝我的頭上砸來。
聖·彼得說：“哎呀，夠慘的。下一個？”
第三個人最後說：“咳，我當時正藏在冰箱裏，突然……”