1 Modern Art
When a very superior person was walking round an art ex‐ hibition, he paused and told an attendant,“I suppose this hideous monster is what they call modern art!”
“No, sir, ”replied the attendant,“that’s what they call a mirror. ”
現代藝術
一個自命不凡的人在參觀一個藝術展時，停下來，對一名工作人員說：“我想這個可怕的怪物就是所謂的現代藝術！”
“不，先生，”工作人員回答說，“這是所謂的鏡子。”
2 Like Mother, Like Daughter
My husband, a high school teacher, had a meeting with the mother of a student who had a tendency to become distracted during class. He asked if she had noticed that problem when dealing with her daughter. The mother looked thoughtfully at him and then pointed to the far wall, asking,“Are those aluminum windows？ ”
有其母必有其女
我丈夫是個中學教員，曾經因為一個學生上課經常開小差而請了她的母親來學校。
他問她在和女兒的接觸中是否注意到這個問題。這位母親若有所思地盯著他，然後指著遠處的牆問：“那是鋁合金窗戶嗎？”
3 Why don’t You Come Back in June
On the shortest day of the year, a woman was standing outside her house talking to a door‐to‐door salesman.She accused him of dishonest conduct.
In his defense, he protested,“But, madam, I’m as honest as the day is long.”
“In that case, ”she replied, giving him a stern look,“why don’t you come back in June!”
為什麼不六月份來
一年中白晝最短的一天，一個婦女站在屋外和上門推銷員說話。她譴責他推銷不誠實。
他反駁道：“太太，我的誠實就像白天一樣長。”
她狠狠瞪了他一眼，回答說：“那你為什麼不六月份來呢？”
4 He Wanted Two Ballons
The boy’s clothing shop was giving away balloons to custo-mers’children. One little fellow asked if he might bave two.
“Sorry, ”the clerk said,“but we give only one balloon to each child. Do you have a brother at home？”
The youngster was always truthful, but wanted another balloon badly.“No, ”he replied regretfully,“but my sister does, and I’d like one for him. ”
他想要兩隻氣球
兒童服裝店正在向顧客的孩子們贈送氣球。其中一個小男孩問是否能夠得到兩隻氣球。
“對不起，”售貨員說，“我們隻贈給每個孩子一隻氣球，你家裏有弟弟嗎？”
小家夥一貫很誠實，可他特別想再要一隻氣球。“沒有,”他遺憾地說，“可我姐姐有個弟弟，我想給他要一隻。”
5 Expensive Price
Dentist: I’m sorry, madam, but I’ll have to charge you fifty dollars for pulling your son’s tooth.
Donna: fifty dollars! But I thought you only charged ten dollars for an extraction.
Dentist: I usually do. But your son yelled so loud, he scared four other patients out of the office.
昂貴的代價
牙科醫生：對不起，夫人，為給您的兒子拔牙，我得收50美元。
堂娜：50美元！可是我知道您拔一顆牙隻要10美元呀？
牙科醫生：是的。但是您兒子這麼大聲地叫喚，他都嚇跑四位病人了。
6 Reason
Driving through Texas, a New Yorker collided with a truck carrying a horse. A few months later he tried to collect damages for his injuries.“How can you now claim to have all these injuries？”asked the insurance company’s lawyer,“According to the police report, at the time you said you were not hurt.”
“Look, ”replied the New Yorker,“I was lying on the road in a lot of pain, and I heard someone say the horse had a broken leg. The next thing I know was Texas ranger pulled out his gun and shot the horse. Then he turned to me and asked,‘Are you okay？’”
原因
一位紐約人駕車穿過得克薩斯州時，與一輛載著一匹馬的卡車相撞。幾個月後，他試圖就所受的損傷要求賠償。“你怎麼現在又聲稱受了傷？”保險公司的律師問，“根據警方報告，你當時說沒有受傷。”
“是這麼回事，”紐約人答道，“當時我躺在地上渾身疼痛，聽到有人說馬斷了一條腿，接下來我知道那個得克薩斯州巡邏騎兵拔出槍打死了馬。然後，他轉身問我：‘你沒事吧？’”
7 Stubborn Horse
The great novelist had gone mad, but now there seemed to be some hope for his recovery. For six months, he had been sitting at his typewriter pounding out a novel. Finally, he pronounced it completed and brought the book to his psychiatrist, who eagerly began reading it aloud,“General Jackson leaped upon his faithful horse and yelled, ‘Giddyap, giddyap, giddyap, giddyap...’”The doctor thumbed through the rest of the manuscript. There’s nothing here but five hundred pages of“giddyaps!”.
“Stubborn horse.”explained the writer.
倔馬
偉大的小說家瘋了，但現在好像還有一些康複的希望。六個月來，他一直坐在打字機旁用力敲出一部小說。最後，他宣布書已殺青，並把它拿給了精神病醫生。醫生迫不及待地朗讀起來：“傑克遜將軍躍上他忠實的馬，大聲喊道：‘駕，駕，駕，駕……’”醫生翻完了剩下的手稿。五百頁全是“駕，駕！”
“是倔馬。”作家解釋說。
8 Kids
There’s one big difference between whiskey and kids. Whiskey improves with age. Don’t let this get around but I’ve come up with something that could revolutionize the field of child psychology. It’s called a whip!
Let’s face it. Some kids are like ketchup bottle. You have to hit them to get them moving. Personally, I have never raised a finger against one of my children. I use the whole hand—it works a lot better.
I always wanted to spend more time with my kids. Then one day I did. A typical American home is where you tell your dog to“speak！”and your kids to“Shut up！”
孩子
威士忌與孩子之間有很大的不同。威士忌是越陳越香。不要逃避，我已經想出了一個革新孩童心理的方法。它叫做鞭策學！
麵對事實吧！有些孩子就像番茄醬瓶子，不打不動。基本上，我從沒對我的小孩動過一根手指，我用整隻手，效果比較好。
我總是想著多花點時間陪孩子。然後我這麼做了。典型的美國家庭中你會教狗說話而叫小孩閉嘴。
9 Pink Suit Sale
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk’s hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
“Guess what, sir？”the clerk said,“I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we have had so long!”
“Do you mean that repulsive pink and blue double breasted thing？”the manager asked.
“That is the one！”
“That is great!”the manager cried,“I thought we would never get rid of that monstrosity！That had to be the ugliest suit we have ever had！But why your hand is bandaged？”
“Oh, ”the clerk replied,“after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me.”
粉紅外套賣出去了
經理吃完午飯回來後，他注意到他的一個員工的手纏著繃帶。他還沒來得及詢問緣由，那個員工就迫不及待地說他有好消息要告訴經理。
“您猜怎麼著，經理，”員工說，“我最終把那件令人討厭、奇醜無比、好久都沒賣出去的套裝給賣出去了！”
“你是說那件人見人煩的粉紅色帶藍色雙排扣的套裝嗎？”經理問。
“沒錯，就是那件！”
“太棒了！”經理大喊道，“我還以為我們這輩子都賣不出那件衣服呢！那是我們賣過的最醜的衣服了！但是你的手為什麼纏著繃帶呢？”
“哦，”員工答道，“我賣給那個家夥衣服後，他的導盲犬咬了我。”
10 Get Off
A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said,“Get off the corner, people.”
A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again,
“Let’s get off that corner—NOW!”
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked,“Well, how did I do？”
“Pretty good, ”chuckled the vet,“this is a bus stop, merely.”
馬上離開
一個初出茅廬的警官和一名富有經驗的搭檔坐在警車裏第一次出去巡邏，一個電話打過來讓他們去驅散一些閑逛的人。
兩個警官將警車開到了那條街上，他們看到有一小群人正站在街角上。
新手搖下車窗說：“拐角的人趕快散開。”
人們看了他幾眼，但沒人動。他又一次大聲喊道：“站在拐角的人都散開——馬上！”
那群人受到恐嚇，開始離開，同時向他這邊投來不解的目光。
年輕警察為自己的第一次執行任務感到自豪，轉頭問他的搭檔：“哎，我幹得怎麼樣？”
“很不錯，”老警察輕聲笑道，“但這裏是個公共汽車站。”
11 The Number of Passengers
We are going to play a game.
First, you are the bus drirer on a crowded bus, OK？ Don’t forget.
I want you to count carefully the number of passengers that get on and off your bus so that you can check the number of tickets sold with the total amount of money collected. Pay attention now.
There are all together six stops on the way. The bus starts out with twenty‐two passengers on board. At the first stop, three passengers get off and five get on. At the second stop, one gets on and nobody gets off. At the next stop, seven get off and two get on. At the fourth stop, no one gets on and no one gets off. At the fifth stop, one gets off and six get on. Then, at the last stop, two men get off and a couple followed by an old lady get on. Now, is everything clear？ Do you need me to repeat？
No？ OK, then. Answer my question: WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE DRIVER？
乘客人數
我們來做一個遊戲。
首先，你來當一輛擁擠的公共汽車的司機，好嗎？可別忘記。
我要求你仔細地數一數上下車乘客的人數，以便核對一下賣掉的車票和收進的錢的總數是否對得上。請注意了。
公共汽車路線上一共有六個站。汽車出發時，車上有二十二位乘客。到了第一站，下車的乘客有三位，上車的有五位。第二站，上車一位，無人下車。下一站，下車的有七位，上車的是兩位。第四站，無人上車或下車。第五站，下去一位，上來六位。然後，到了最後的第六站，下去兩位男人，又上來一對男女，後麵還跟著一位老太太。好，我都講清楚了吧？還需要我再講一遍嗎？
不用了？好，那麼——請回答我的問題：公共汽車司機的名字叫什麼？
12 You’re Going to Die
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said,“Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”
“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don’t discuss your problems with him, and it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next ten months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”
On the way home, the husband asked his wife,“What did the doctor say？”
“You’re going to die. ”she replied.
你快死啦
一位女士陪丈夫去看病。醫生給她的丈夫檢查完後，把女士單獨叫進他的辦公室。醫生說：“你丈夫病得很嚴重，精神還極度緊張。要是你不采取以下措施，你的丈夫一定會死掉的。”
“每天清晨，為他做一份對健康有益的早餐；心情愉快地對待他，以此來保證他也有愉快的心情；給他準備營養豐富的午餐；還要特別精心為他準備晚餐；不要讓家務事煩他，因為他工作了一天會很辛苦；也別把你的煩心事告訴他，那樣隻會增加他的精神負擔；最重要的是，你要滿足他的每個心願。要是你能連續十個月到一年按照我說的做，我認為你丈夫會完全康複的。”