1 A Careless Barber
Barber: Were you wearing a red scarf when you came in？
Customer: No.
Barber: Oh, then I must have cut your throat.
粗心的理發師
理發師：你進來時是不是係著紅圍巾？
顧客：沒有呀。
理發師：噢，那我肯定弄破了你的喉嚨。
2 Qualification
“What makes you think you’re qualified to be a night watchman？”asked the personnel director.
“Well, for one thing, ”replied the job applicant,“I’m a real light sleeper.”
稱職
一位人事經理問一位求職者：“你怎麼就覺得你能勝任值夜班的工作呢？”
求職者說：“噢，有一點我敢肯定，我睡覺很輕。”
3 Helping to Clean the Dishes
Just after the maid had been fired, she took ten bucks from her purse and threw it to Bingo, the family dog.
When asked why by her former employer, she answered,“I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time! ”
幫助洗碗
女傭被解雇後，她從錢包裏拿出十美元，扔給賓果——這家的狗。
當她的前雇主問她為什麼這樣做的時候，她回答：“我不會忘記朋友的，這是給它的報酬，謝謝它一直以來幫我洗碗！”
4 Not Fair
A: Mr. Tom died yesterday. Are you going to attend his funeral？
B: No, of course not!
A: Why not？ I thought you were friends.
B: It wouldn’t be fair if I did.
A: Not fair？ What do you mean？
B: If I attend his funeral, would he be able to attend mine？
不公平
甲：“湯姆先生昨天去世了。你去參加他的葬禮嗎？”
乙：“不去，當然不去！”
甲：“為什麼不去？我還以為你們是好朋友呢。”
乙：“我要是去，那會不公平。”
甲：“不公平？你這話什麼意思？”
乙：“我要是參加了他的葬禮，他能參加我的葬禮嗎？”
5 One Egg Less
Everything about country customs delighted my neighbors, who had moved to our small town from the city. Then one day they spotted a sign,“Fresh Eggs for Sale.”at a roadside stand where payment was on the honor system.“Why can’t everyone be this trusting？”They said at they put their money in a box and took a carton. When they got home and opened it, they found 11 eggs.
少了一個
我的鄰居剛從城裏搬來我們這個小鎮，一切有關農村習俗的事情都讓他們感到很高興。後來有一天，他們發現路邊小攤的一塊牌子上寫著“出售新鮮雞蛋”，是用那種傳統的售貨方式，旁邊並沒人收錢。“為什麼不是每個人都這樣信任別人呢？”說著，就把錢放進一個盒子裏，拿走了一打雞蛋。他們回到家打開盒子，卻隻看見十一個雞蛋。
6 The Dog Doesn’t Bite
One early morning, an old lady was strolling through the park when she saw James with a dog.
“Does your dog bite？”she asked.
“No.”said James.
When the old lady tried to pet the dog, it almost bit her fingers off.
“You said your dog doesn’t bite!”screamed the old lady with blood dripping from her hand.
“That’s all right. ”answered James,“My dog doesn’t bite, but that’s not my dog. ”
不咬人的狗
一天清晨，一位老太太正在公園裏溜達，突然瞧見詹姆斯和一條狗在一起。
老太太問：“你的狗咬人嗎？”
詹姆斯說：“不咬人。”
當老太太伸出手去摸那條狗時，它卻差點兒咬掉她的手指。
“你剛才不是說你的狗不咬人嗎？”老太太尖聲叫道，血從她的手指上滴了下來。
詹姆斯回答說：“我說得沒錯啊，我的狗真不咬人，可這條狗不是我的。”
7 Nine Bouquets of Flowers
A couple of extras in the play were talking backstage at the end of the performance.“What’s the matter with our leading lady？”one actress asked,“She seems really mad about something.”
“Oh, she’s upset because she only received nine bouquets of flowers over the footlights.”the other woman then answered.
“Nine!”exclaimed the first actress, “That’s pretty good, isn’t it？”
“Yes, ”her friend replied,“but she paid for ten. ”
九束鮮花
兩個臨時演員演出結束後在後台聊天。“我們的女主角怎麼了？”一個女演員問，“她看起來像是為什麼事發瘋似的。”
“噢，她之所以心煩意亂，是因為她謝幕時隻收到九束鮮花。”另一個女人答道。
“九束！”第一個女演員驚叫道，“那相當不錯了，不是嗎？”
“是的，”她的朋友回答說，“但她付的是十束鮮花的錢。”
8 Out of Luck
The man in the jail asked a newcomer why he was imprisoned there.
The newcomer replied,“I think I was out of luck. A few days ago I was walking in the street when I saw a piece of rope. I thought no one wanted it, so I picked it up and took it home. ”
“But it was not against the law! ”
“I told you I was out of luck, didn’t I？ ”the man sighed,“The trouble was that I didn’t notice there was an ox at the other end of that rope. ”
運氣不好
牢房裏，一個人問新來的犯人為什麼被關在那裏。
新來的犯人回答說：“我想我是運氣不好。幾天前，我正在街上走時，看到一截繩子，以為沒有人要，就拾起來，帶回了家。”
“可這不違法啊！”
“我告訴過你我運氣不好，對嗎？”那個人歎道，“問題是我沒有注意到繩子那頭還有一頭牛。”
9 Old Age Eyesight
The old man Sam was a witness in a burglary trial. The defence lawyer asks Sam,“Did you see my client commit this burglary？ ”
“Yes, ”says Sam,“I saw him plainly take the goods. ”
The lawyer asks Sam again,“Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime？ ”
“Yes, ”says Sam,“I saw him do it. ”
Then the lawyer asks Sam,“Sam listen, you are 70 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night？ ”
Sam says,“I can see the moon, how far is that？ ”
老年人的視力
老人薩姆是一起入室搶劫案件的目擊證人。辯護律師問薩姆：“你看到我的當事人犯案了嗎？”
“是的，”薩姆說，“我清楚地看見他拿走了那些東西。”
律師再問薩姆：“薩姆，案件發生在晚上，你確定你看到我的當事人犯案了嗎？”
“是的，”薩姆說，“我看見他作案了。”
然後律師問薩姆：“薩姆，你聽好，你已經七十歲了，你的視力很可能不好。在晚上你能看到多遠啊？”
薩姆說：“我可以看見月亮，那有多遠？”
10 Death in the Family
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend, he comments,“You look terrible. What’s the problem？ ”
“My mother died in June, ”he said,“and left me ＄10, 000. ”
“Gee, that’s tough. ”he replied.
“Then in July, ”the friend continued,“my father died, leaving me ＄50, 000. ”
“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed. ”
“And last month, my aunt died, and left me ＄15, 000. ”
“Three close family members lost in three months？ How sad. ”
“Then this month, ”continued the friend,“nothing! ”
家庭中的死亡
在酒吧，一個男人看見他的朋友坐在桌邊獨自喝酒。
他走到朋友身邊說：“你看起來很糟糕。出了什麼事？”
“我母親在六月去世了，”他說，“留給我一萬美元。”
“呃，這可真糟糕。”他回應著。
“然後七月的時候，”朋友繼續說，“我父親死了，留給我五萬美元。”
“哇，兩個月內雙親相繼死去，難怪你這麼悲傷。”
“上個月我姑媽過世了，留給我一萬五千美元。”
“在三個月內失去三個親近的家人？真悲慘。”
“然後在這個月，”朋友繼續道，“什麼都沒有！”
11 Take off Cap
Two men are playing golf one day. As they are about to start one of the holes, a funeral procession goes by on the road beside the course. One of the golfers, Harry, takes off his cap and stands with his cap to his chest, and waits for the entire procession to go by. He then puts his cap back on and proceeds to tee off.
“Gee Harry, that was a very nice gesture on your part. It was very thoughtful and respectful of you to do that.”his friend says.
“Well, ”Harry replies,“I was married to her for 40 years, it was the least I could do. ”
摘帽
一天，兩個男人在玩高爾夫球。正當他們準備開始打一個洞時，一個葬禮隊伍從路邊經過。其中一個叫哈利的男人摘下了他的帽子，並將帽子放在胸前。站著等行進的隊伍走過，接著他又戴上了他的帽子，開始發球。
“哈利，你做了一個非常好的手勢，你這樣做很體貼和恭謙。”他的朋友說。
“啊，”哈利回答，“我和她結婚四十年，這是我最後能做的了。”
12 Very Busy
An American visiting a remote area in South America became sick.“I have to see a doctor. ”he told a local,“How can I be sure of getting a good one？”
“It’s easy.”was the reply,“Every time a doctor loses a patient,it’s our law that he must f ly a balloon above his office.”
So the American began his search. One doctor f lew twenty balloons, another thirty. Finally the American found an office that was flying only eight, and went in.
“You’ll have to wait, ”the doctor told him,“for someone who only started practice yesterday, I’ve been very busy.”
太忙
一名美國人在遊覽南美洲一個偏僻地區時病了。“我得去看醫生。”他對一個當地人說，“怎樣才能確保找到一位好醫生呢？”
對方回答說：“這很容易。我們的法律規定，醫生每醫死一個病人，就得在診所上方升起一隻氣球。”
於是，這個美國人就開始四處尋找。一家診所上懸著二十隻氣球，另一家懸著三十隻。最後，他發現一家隻懸著八隻氣球，就走了進去。
“你得等，”醫生對他說，“我昨天才開業，一直很忙。”
13 Doggie Funeral
This rich man died and left in his will that when his dog died he was to have a funeral, and who ever did the funeral would get a million dollars.
When the dog died, the executor started asking various faiths of the cloth if they would do the funeral. All refused. Finally, he asked this old country preacher if he would do the funeral.“Why brother—I don’t do dogs funerals!”
“OK. ”the executor replied,“But the one who does this funeral gets a fat two million dollars! ”The preacher replied,“Now, wait a minute—you didn’t tell me this dog was a Christian!”
狗的葬禮
富翁去世了，在他的遺囑中表示，他的狗死之後需要舉辦一場葬禮，操辦這場葬禮的人將會得到一百萬美金。
那隻狗死後，遺囑執行人詢問了各個教派的教士是否願意舉辦這場葬禮。所有人都拒絕了。最後，他問城中一位老布道者是否願意舉辦。“兄弟——我可不會為狗舉辦葬禮！”
“好吧，”執行人回道，“但是舉辦葬禮的人將會得到兩百萬美金的厚禮啊！”
布道者一聽馬上說：“等一下——你可沒告訴我這隻狗原來是個天主教徒啊！”
14 What the Problem Is
One of my fellow midshipmen at the U. S. Naval Academy was performing poorly in class and reported to his company officer for counseling. “Your marks are deplorable!”the officer scolded,“Is there a problem that has kept you from studies？”
“No, sir,”the midshipman replied,“I have no idea what the problem is. I study the notes I take, and I’m never late to class. I don’t even talk in class, but for some reason my professors don’t seem to like me. ”
The officer sat back and thought. Then he asked,“Do you get enough sleep？”
My classmate replied,“Sir, do you mean at night or in class？”
問題所在
我有個美國海軍學院候補軍官同伴，學業很差。他到尉官那裏進行谘詢。“你的分數糟透了！”尉官責備說，“有什麼問題阻礙你學習嗎？”
“沒有，先生，”候補軍官回答說，“我搞不清是什麼問題。我攻讀自己記的筆記，上課從不遲到，甚至上課也不說話，但教授們好像就是不喜歡我。”
軍官向後一靠，想了想，然後問道：“你睡眠充足嗎？”
我的同學回答說：“先生，你是說夜裏還是課堂上？”
15 An Englishman
Once late at night, an Englishman came out of his room into the corridor of a hotel and asked the servant to bring him a glass of water. The servant did as he asked. The Englishman reentered his room, but a few minutes later he came into the corridor again and once more asked the servant for glass of water. The servant brought him another glass of water. Every few minutes the Englishman would come out of his room and repeat his request.
After a half‐hour, the astonished servant decided to ask the Englishman what he was doing with the water.