保持清醒的訣竅
像我這樣的技術支持人員會整天在電話裏和顧客談天說地。許多人喜歡在等他們的電腦重新啟動的時候聊天。有一名男子告訴我,他曾經是長途卡車司機。我說:“我喜歡開大卡車,但是又擔心開車的時候會睡著。”他說:“有一個訣竅,可以讓你保持清醒。左手握一張一百美元的大票,然後把手伸到窗外去。”
14 The Umbrella
A gentleman staying in a hotel left his umbrella in the hall, but he had put on the handle a card on which was written,“This umbrella belongs to a gentleman who can lift up a hundred pounds. I shall be back in ten minutes.”When he came back, he found, instead of his umbrella, another card on which was written,“This card belongs to a man who can run ten miles an hour. I shall not come back.”
雨傘
一位住在旅館的先生把他的雨傘落在了大廳裏,不過他在傘柄上係了一張卡片,上麵寫著:“此傘屬於一位能舉百磅的紳士。我將在十分鍾內回來。”等他回來時,發現雨傘已經不翼而飛,取而代之的是另一張卡片,上麵寫著:“此卡是一位一小時能跑十英裏的人留下的,我永遠不回來了。”
15 Good Points and Bad Points
“This house, ”said the real estate salesman,“has both its good points and bad points.To show you I’m honest, I’m going to tell you about the disadvantage—there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse one block north.”
“What are the advantages?”inquired the prospective buyer.
“The good thing about it, ”said the agent,“is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing.”
優缺點
“這幢房子,”房地產推銷商說,“既有優點也有缺點。為了證明我是誠實的,我將告訴你它的缺點——往南麵一個街區有一家化工廠,往北麵一個街區有一家屠宰場。”
“那麼它有什麼優點呢?”準備購買房子的人問道。
“它的優點,”代理商說道,“就是你總能分出風是從哪邊吹過來的。”
16 I Wasn’t Dead
A young man fell into a state of coma, but recovered before his friends had buried him. One of them asked what it felt like to be dead.
“Dead!”he exclaimed,“I wasn’t dead. And I knew I wasn’t dead because my feet were cold and I was hungry. ”
“But how did that make you sure?”
“Well, I knew that if I were in heaven I shouldn’t be hungry, and if I was in the other place my feet shouldn’t be cold.”
我還沒死
一個年輕人昏死了過去,但是當他的朋友們要掩埋他的時候,他卻又蘇醒過來。
他的一個朋友問他死的感覺是怎樣的。
“死!”他喊道,“我並沒有死,我知道我沒死,因為我的腳是涼的,而我又很餓。”
“你怎麼能肯定你沒死?”
“當然了,我知道如果我上了天堂,我就不會覺得餓;如果我下到地獄,那我的腳就不會是涼的了。”
17 Fishing
Larry and Harry drove 300 miles to go fishing. They paid a huge sum to rent a cabin, a similar about to rent a boat. They fished for three days and caught only one fish between them.
On the way home, Harry fiddled with a calculator while Larry drove. After an hour, Harry said,“Do you realize that this one fish we caught cost us almost $2,000?”
“Wow!”Larry saido“It’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more.”
釣魚
拉裏和哈裏驅車三百英裏去釣魚。兩人花了一大筆錢租了一間小屋,又花了差不多同樣的錢租了一條船。兩人釣了三天,隻釣到一條魚。
在回家的路上,拉裏開車,哈裏撥弄著計算器。一小時後,哈裏說:“你可知道我們釣的這條魚幾乎用掉我們2000美元?”
“哇!”拉裏說,“幸虧我們沒有多釣到魚。”
18 Dog Temperament
At a workshop on dog temperament, the instructor noticed that a test for a canine’s disposition was for an owner to fall down and act hurt. A dog with poor temperament would try to bite the owner, whereas a good would lick his owner’s face or show concern.
One day, while eating pizza in the living room, I decided to try out this theory on my two dogs. I stood up clutched my heart, let out a scream and collapsed on the floor. The dogs looked at me, glanced at each other and raced to the table for my pizza.
狗的性情
在一次關於狗的性情的研討會上,教員告知大家一種測試犬科動物性情的方法——狗的主人摔倒並假裝受傷。秉性差的狗會企圖咬它的主人,而秉性好的狗會舔主人的臉或現出關心的神情。
有一天在臥室吃披薩的時候,我決定在自己的兩條狗身上檢驗一下這個理論。我站起來,緊握住胸口,發出一聲尖叫,然後倒在地上。這兩條狗看了看我,又相互對視了一下,然後奔向餐桌去搶我的披薩。
19 What Does It Say
I returned from Russia after living there nearly three years. My sister decided to surprise me by creating“Welcome Home”signs in Russian. She went to a website that offered translations, and printed the translated phrase onto cardboards. When I got off the plane, I saw my whole family, excitedly waving colored cardboards. My sister gave me a big hug, and pointed proudly to her creation.“Isn’t that great?”she said,“Bet you didn’t think I knew any Russian. ”I admitted that I was indeed surprised—the signs actually said,“Translation is not found. ”
它是什麼意思
我在俄國住了將近三年以後回國。我妹妹打算給我一個驚喜,她用俄文做了一個“歡迎歸來”的標語。她找了一個提供翻譯的網站,並把翻譯出來的文字打印在了硬紙板上。我一下飛機就看到全家人興高采烈地揮舞著彩色的硬紙板。我妹妹給了我一個熱烈的擁抱,並且自豪地指著她的作品說:“是不是很棒?我敢打賭你一定沒想到我還懂一點俄語。”我承認我確實是大吃一驚。這標語實際上是說:“沒有找到譯文。”
20 Silly Dog
Ian is a young man. He does not have a wife, but he has a very big dog, and he has a very small car too. He likes playing tennis. Last Monday he played tennis for an hour at his club, and then he ran out and jumped into a car. His dog came after him, but it didn’t jump into the same car. It jumped into the next one.
“Come here, silly dog!”Ian shouted at it, but the dog stayed in the other car.
Ian put his key into the lock of the car, but the key did not turn. Then he looked at the car again. It was not his!
He was in the wrong car! And the dog was in the right one!
蠢狗
伊恩是個小夥子,還沒有妻子,但他有一條很大的狗和一輛很小的汽車。他喜歡打網球。上星期一,他在俱樂部打了一個小時網球,匆匆走出俱樂部,跳上了一輛車。狗跟隨其後,卻沒有和伊恩上同一輛車,而是上了旁邊的另一輛車。
“過來,蠢狗!”伊恩對狗大聲喊道,但狗臥在那輛車上一動不動。
伊恩把鑰匙插進鎖孔,卻轉不動鑰匙。他仔細看了看車,發現這原來不是他的車!是他上錯了車!而他的狗卻上對了車!
21 One Engine Left