Lance: My uncle has 500 men under him.
Paul: He must be very important.
Lance: Not really—he is a maintenance man in a cemetery.
他是大人物嗎
蘭斯：“我叔叔手下有500人。”
保羅：“他一定是位重要人物啦。”
蘭斯：“並非真的如此——他在一個墓地上當守墓人。”
Todd: Four sailors fell into the sea, but only one of them got his hair wet.
Neil: How was that？
Todd: Three of them were bald.
四個水手
托德：“四個水手落入大海，可是隻有其中一個把頭發弄濕了。”
尼爾：“這是怎麼回事？”
托德：“其中三個是禿子。”
Traveler: Can I catch the five o’clock train to Toronto？
Ticket agent: That depends on how fast you can run. It left fifteen minutes ago.
看情況
旅行者：我還能趕上五點鍾那班到多倫多的火車嗎？
售票員：那得看你跑得有多快。火車開出去有十五分鍾了。
“There’s a leaky roof in my office.”
“Won’t the landlord repair it？”
“Repair it？ He’s so mean he’s charging me an extra $10 a week for the use of shower!”
屋頂漏了
“我的辦公室屋頂漏了。”
“房東不會修修嗎？”
“修？他很摳門，他每周還要加收我十塊錢淋浴費呢！”
Customer: What kind of pie is this？
Waiter: What does it taste like, sir？
Customer: It tastes like glue.
Waiter: Well, then, it’s peach. The apple pie tastes like putty.
這是哪種餡餅
顧客：這是什麼餡餅呀？
侍者：先生，它的味道像什麼？
顧客：像膠水。
侍者：哦，那是桃子餡餅。蘋果餡餅的味道吃起來像油灰。
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb？
A: Two. One to assure us that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into a water faucet.
換燈泡
問：“需要幾名官僚才能換好一個燈泡？”
答：“兩名。一個向我們保證他們正在采取一切可能的措施，另一個則把燈泡擰到水龍頭上。”
Guest: Do you know the lady over there？
Hotel Manager: Of course. She is a film star, but just now I don’t know her name.
Guest: Does she come to this hotel often？
Hotel Manager: Yes, every honeymoon.
認識
客人：你認識那邊那位女士嗎？
旅館經理：當然認識。她是個電影明星，但現在我還不知道她的名字。
客人：她經常到這家旅館來嗎？
旅館經理：是的，每次度蜜月都來。
The fashionable wife of a rich businessman came up to Hemingway and told him that she wanted to become a writer.“What’s the best way to start writing？ ”she asked.
“From left to right. ”Hemingway answered.
從左往右寫
一個時髦的闊太太來找海明威，說她想當作家。“開始寫作的最佳方式是什麼？”她問。
“從左往右寫。”海明威回答說。
“Mr. Philip, I have just been married, therefore can I get a raise in my wages？”
“I am sorry, but I can’t help you. For accidents which happen to our workers outside the factory, we are not responsible. ”
我能提薪嗎
“菲利普，我剛剛結婚了，所以我能提薪嗎？”
“對不起，我幫不了你。對工人在工廠外發生的事故我們概不負責。”
A newspaper organized a contest for the best answer to the question: If a fire broke out in the Louvre, and if you could only save one painting, which one would you carry out？
The winning reply was: The one nearest the exit.
你將救出哪一幅
一份報紙組織了一場競賽，為下麵的問題征集最佳答案：“如果盧浮宮起了火，而你隻能救出一幅畫，你將救出哪一幅？”
獲獎的答案是：“最接近門口的那一幅。”
A man bought a grandfather clock from an antique shop. While walking back home in a street, he put it over his shoulder and knocked over an old lady.
“Idiot!”she yelled,“Why can’t you wear a wristwatch like the rest of us？”
一座大擺鍾
一個男人從古玩店裏買了一座大擺鍾。回家的路上，他把鍾扛在肩上，撞倒了一個老太太。
“蠢貨！”她喊道，“你為什麼不能跟我們一樣戴個手表呢？”
When a snail crossed the road, he was run over by a turtle. Regaining consciousness in the emergency room, he was asked what caused the accident.
“I really can’t remember. ”the snail replied,“You see, it all happened so fast.”
蝸牛的故事
一個蝸牛過馬路，被一個烏龜從身上碾過。在急救室裏他恢複了知覺，有人問他事故是怎樣發生的。
“我記不起來了，”蝸牛回答說，“你瞧，一切都發生得太快了。”
Once on a voyage, Duke Wellington encountered a storm in a boat on the verge of sinking. The captain hurried to Wellington’s cabin saying,“We’ll be doomed. ”
Wellington wanted to go to bed, so he said,“Okay, I don’t need to take off my shoes. ”
我不用脫鞋了
一次在海上旅行，威靈頓公爵乘的小船遇上了風暴，瀕臨沉沒。船長匆匆趕到威靈頓的包艙，說：“我們就要完蛋了。”
威靈頓正想上床睡覺，於是說道：“那好，我就用不著脫鞋了。”
My neighbor is, like most fishermen, an incurable optimist.
I asked him one morning how the fishing was going.“Better,”he replied,“last week I went out for three hours and didn’t catch a thing.Yesterday I had the same result in only two hours.”
好多了
和大多數漁夫一樣，我的鄰居是一個無可救藥的樂天派。
一天早上，我問他魚釣得怎麼樣。他回答說：“好多了，上周我用了三小時一無所獲，昨天我隻用了兩小時就得到了同樣的結果。”
I promised my girlfriend a gold necklace for her birthday, but when the jeweler quoted a price for one we liked, I let out a long, low whistle.
“And how much are they then？ ”I asked, pointing to another tray.
“You, sir, ”replied the jeweler,“about five whistles. ”
三聲口哨
我答應過我的女朋友，在她過生日時送她一條金項鏈。可是當珠寶商報出我們看中的那條項鏈的價格時，我低低地吹了聲長口哨。
“那這條項鏈多少錢呢？”我指著另一個盤子裏的項鏈問。
“先生，對你來說，”珠寶商答道，“大約值五聲口哨。”
A fat man and a skinny man were arguing about who was more polite. The skinny man said he was more polite because he always tipped his hat to ladies. But the fat man knew he was more courteous, because whenever he got up and offered his seat, two ladies could sit down.
誰更有禮貌
有個胖子和瘦子在爭論誰更有禮貌。瘦子說他更有禮貌，因為他經常對女士摘帽示意。但是胖子認為自己更有風度，因為無論什麼時候他在車上給別人讓座位時，總有兩位女士能坐下。
It was April, and spring had finally come to the mountains of Virginia.Gardens were verdant, and flowers were in full bloom.Then a late snowstorm hit, dropping seven inches of white stuff.
Our neighbor got up, looked out at the snow and called excitedly to his wife.“Hurry and get up!We’ve slept through summer.”
睡過了夏天
到了四月，春天終於來到了弗吉尼亞山區。花園吐綠，鮮花盛開。之後，一場遲到的暴風雪襲來，下了七英寸深的白雪。
我們的鄰居起床向窗外的雪望去，興奮地對他的妻子叫道：
“快起來，我們已經睡過了夏天。”
While chatting with a woman on the bus, I happened to notice that she was wearing a key on a chain around her neck.
“What’s that？ ”I asked.
“Oh, this. ”she replied,“My boyfriend gave it to me and told me it was the key to his heart. ”
“How sweet! ”I said.
“Not really. ”she answered.“It’s the extra key to his car. ”