鑰匙
在公共汽車上和一個女人閑聊時，我碰巧注意到她脖子上戴的鏈子掛了一把鑰匙。
“那是什麼？”我問道。
“哦，這個呀，”她回答說，“這是男友送給我的，他告訴我說這是他心靈的鑰匙。”
“真甜蜜！”我說。
“其實不是那麼回事，”她回答說，“這是他備用的一把車鑰匙。”
Einstein once made a speech at Paris University.
He said,“If my theory of relativity will have been verified, Germany will declare that I am a German while France will claim that I am the citizen of world. But if my theories are proved wrong. France will say that I am a German while Germany will emphasize that I am a Jew. ”
德國人還是猶太人
有一次，愛因斯坦在巴黎大學演講。
他說：“如果我的相對論得到了證實，德國就會宣布我是德國人，法國則會稱我是世界公民；但如果我的理論被證明是錯的，法國就會說我是德國人，德國人則會強調我是猶太人。”
My city friend Mark was visiting me in Tennessee, and we went for a drive through the Appalachian back roads.
As we passed a dairy farm, I told him that farmers predict the weather by how the cows are positioned. Standing cows mean good weather ahead, and cows lying down indicate rain.
When we came upon a group of cows with some upright and others on the ground, Marcy looked puzzled.“What does that mean？”he asked,“Partly cloudy？”
預測天氣
城裏的一個朋友馬克到田納西州來看我。我們開車去阿巴拉契亞山區偏僻的路上兜風。
經過一個奶牛場時，我告訴他，牧場主們通過牛的姿勢來預測天氣。站著的牛表示將有好天氣，躺著的牛表示有雨。
當我們看到一群牛有些站著、有些躺著時，馬西困惑不解。“那表示什麼？”他問，“局部地區多雲？”
A truck driver is driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads“low bridge ahead”. He tries to turn off, but before he knows it, the bridge is right there and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh？”
The truck driver says,“No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”
風趣的卡車司機
一名卡車司機正行駛在高速路上，前方出現一塊牌子，上麵寫著“前方橋低”。他試圖掉轉方向，但當他發覺之前，橋已經在眼前了，他剛好在它底下卡住了。
於是後麵的車跟著堵了好幾英裏。
最後，一輛警車來了。警察走下車，手扶著腰部，一副看笑話的姿態繞著走到司機那兒，說：“卡住了，哈？”
卡車司機說：“不，我正在運輸這座橋，但沒油了。”
Mike joined the army when he was eighteen. And for several months he was taught how to be a good soldier. He did quite well in everything except shooting. One day he and his friends were practicing their shooting and all of thern did well except Mike. At last the officer said,“Mike! You are quite hopeless! Do not waste yout bullets. Go behind that wall and shoot yourself. ”
Mike felt ashamed. He went behind the wall and a few minutes later the officer and the other young soldier heard the sound of a shot.
“Heavens!”the officer said,“Has that silly man really shot himself？”
He ran behind the wall anxiously. But Mike was all right.“I’m sorry, sir, ”he said,“but I missed again. ”
又沒打中
麥克十八歲時參軍。參軍後他接受了幾個月的訓練，以成為一名合格的士兵。除了射擊之外，麥克在各方麵做得都很好。一天，他和戰友們練習射擊，除大衛外，其他人練得都不錯。最後教官說道：“麥克，你真是無可救藥了！別再浪費子彈了，走到牆後麵幹脆朝自己開一槍吧！”
麥克感到非常羞愧。他走到牆後，過了幾分鍾，教官和其他年輕士兵聽到了一聲槍響。
“天哪！”教官說道，“難道那傻瓜真的朝自己開槍了嗎？”
他急忙跑到牆後。但見麥克毫發無損。“我很抱歉，長官，”他說道，“我又沒打中。”
Iris was getting irritated with her husband Tony. Unemployed for eight months, Tony didn’t seem enthusiastic about finding work.
“Instead of reading comic books all day, why don’t you study the want ad section of the new for the newspaper for jobs？”advised Iris.
“I did and there isn’t any kind of job I like. ”complained Tony.
“How about gas station attendant？”
“I can’t stand gas fumes.”
“I heard the taxi company needs drivers．”
“I don’t want to fight traffic day and night．”
“The Central Warehouse sometimes needs men．”
“You know I have a trick back．Every time I lift something, it goes out on me．”
Iris fumed,“I know what your problem is．You have a terrible allergy．”
“An allergy to what？”
“Work．”
過敏
艾麗斯對她的丈夫托尼感到厭煩。已經失業八個月了，托尼看起來仍然沒有心思去找工作。
“除了一天到晚看漫畫書，你為什麼就不能鑽研一下報紙上那些工作招聘的專欄呢？”
“我看了啊，但是沒有任何我喜歡的工作。”托尼抱怨道。
“加油站服務員怎麼樣？”
“我不能忍受汽油的味道。”
“我聽說出租車公司需要的哥。”
“我可不想一天到晚和擁擠的交通打交道。”
“中央倉庫有時候也需要人手。”
“你知道我後背不好，每次我舉東西它都拖我後腿。”
艾麗斯怒氣衝衝地說：“我知道你有什麼毛病了，你有一種很嚴重的過敏症。”
“對什麼過敏？”
“工作。”
President Bush once attended a party held in a private house to raise money in Huston and all the reporters were not admitted.“There is no doubt that the Wall street has drunk too much.”Bush replied when he was asked the reason why the real estate market kept the situation of persistent decline. He said,“This is the main reason why I asked you to turn off the cameras. It drank too much and had a hangover.”
He said,“The Wall street has drunk too much, which made troubles for the United States. Maybe when the next economic crisis come, there won’t be so much wine for. ”
Actually, it is not the first time that Mr. Bush has raised eyebrows with his homespun choice of words to articulate pivotal moments his presidenoy.
華爾街喝高了
一次布什去參加一個私人舉辦的聚會，這次聚會是為了給華爾街籌錢，但所有的記者都不許入內。
當被問及為什麼美國的房地產市場仍然一蹶不振時，布什說：“毫無疑問，華爾街喝高了。”他說：“這就是我為什麼讓你們關上相機的原因，他喝得太醉了，現在還宿醉未醒。”
他說：“華爾街喝得太多了，給美國捅出了不少亂子。或許下次經濟危機來的時候，就沒那麼多酒讓它喝了。”
實際上，這已經不是布什總統第一次讓人們為他善辯的言辭而大跌眼鏡了，布什總統總是在一些重要場合語出驚人。
Two old gentlemen lived in quiet street in Paris.They were friends and neighbors, and they often went for walks together in the streets when the weather was fine.Last Saturday they went for a walk at the side of the river. The sun shone, the weather was warm, there were a lot of flowers everywhere, and there were boats on the water.
The two men walked happily for half an hour, and then one of them said to the other,“Thatu0027s a very beautiful girl. ”
“Where can you see a beautiful girl？”said the other,“I can’t see one anywhere. I can see two young men, they’re walking towards us.”
“The girl’s walking behind us.”said the first men quietly.