Since the turkey is fresh， not frozen， it must be picked up the day before the holiday. It occurs to me that for the price I’m paying for this bird， it should be chauffeur-driven to my doorstep and paraded on a red carpet to my kitchen.
The real fun starts with the stuffing. Over the years， I have devised a recipe that includes wholewheat breadcrumbs， onions， celery， soy-based 9）margarine （cold pressed， I 10）have it on good authority， by hermit monks deep in the caves of Tibet） and seasonings. No dairy.
But that doesn’t satisfy the needs of the gluten-intolerant. And so I make Batch 2 using non-gluten bread with the monk margarine.
I would like all the diners to enjoy the flavour of the turkey juices， but the vegans cannot eat stuffing that’s been cooked in the bird. The gluten-intolerant guests won’t eat regular stuffing. I ask myself： Does “gluten 11）ooze” exist？ Could it 12）permeate all that turkey meat， bone and skin and poison them？ Fine. Now we have three different 13）dressings.
Mashed potatoes sound simple. But again， no dairy. I provide a dish of plain， dry “14）riced potatoes” for the purists. If they are among the meat eaters， they can avail themselves of the delicious turkey gravy I make from scratch. If they are vegan or vegetarian they eat a soy-based “gravy” that， I say in all 15）candour， even the dogs wouldn’t touch.
Oh， I 16）stand corrected. One Thanksgiving， when my daughter made the “gravy”and brought it in her car， it spilled all over the back seat and her hound wolfed it down.
The favourite dessert is homemade 17）pecan pie with whipped cream. Before I make this， however， I ensure that my insurance is paid up and that all things breakable have been removed from the dining area. If my grown children go into a sugar rage， they could damage something.