上訴
一個男人去世後，發現自己身在天堂，但對他的住處並不感到滿意。他向聖彼德抱怨，聖彼德告訴他唯一的解決方法是申請分配住所。男人立即說要上訴，但是又被告知他的上訴受理至少要等五年。男人抗議說五年的等待期不合理，但是他的話根本就沒有人聽。然後魔鬼來找男人，告訴他說如果男人願意到地獄去，那麼他的申訴幾天內就會被受理。男人問他為什麼在地獄申訴會那麼快被受理，魔鬼告訴他：“所有的律師和法官都在我們那兒。”
19 The Taxi Driver and the Priest
A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly Gates waiting for them.
“Come with me. ”said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion.“It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool. ”
“Wow, thank you. ”said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
“Wait, I think you are a little mixed up. ”said the priest,“Shouldn’t I be the one who gets the mansion? After all, I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God’s word. ”
“Yes, that’s true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed! ”
出租車司機和牧師
一名出租車司機和一名牧師過世了，兩人來到天堂。聖彼得正在天堂之門等著他們。
“跟我來。”聖彼得對出租車司機說。
司機跟著聖彼得來到一套公寓前。“這兒有你可以想到的任何東西，從保齡球場到奧林匹克規模的遊泳池都有。”
“哇，謝謝您。”出租車司機說。
接著，聖彼得帶著牧師來到一間粗糙的舊窩棚，裏麵有一張雙層床和一台又小又舊的電視機。
“等等，我想你會不會搞錯了。”牧師說，“難道我不應該是那個得到公寓的人嗎？我畢竟是一名牧師，每天都去教堂，宣揚上帝的話。”
“是的，這倒是真的。但是在你布道的過程中人們都在睡覺。而出租車司機開車時，每個人都在祈禱！”
20 A Brand‐new Brain
A very successful young tycoon suddenly lost his business flair and he was so worried that he went to see his doctor. His doctor could find nothing wrong with him but suggested that he should see a brain specialist.
He did this and was told that his brain was prematurely old and worn out but with modern brain transplant surgery he could be a new one.
He asked about the cost, and the reply was that it depended on what type of brain he wanted—for example, he could have a legal brain for ￡20, 000 or a doctor’s brain for ￡30, 000, or all army officer’s brain for ￡60,000.
“That’s a ridiculous! An officer’s brain can’t cost twice as much as a doctor’s!”
“Oh, yes.”was the reply,“You see, it’s as good as new; it has never been used.”
全新大腦
一位事業有成的年輕企業巨頭突然失去了做生意的天賦，他心中焦急萬分，趕緊去看自己的私人醫生。什麼問題也沒查出，但醫生建議他去看看腦科專家。企業家去了腦科專家那裏，被告知他的大腦過早老化，已經衰竭，但通過現代大腦移植手術，他可以擁有一個全新的大腦。
企業家問移植手術的價格，答複是那取決於他想要哪種大腦——比如說，他可以有一個律師的大腦，是兩萬英鎊，或一個醫生的大腦，是三萬英鎊，或一個軍官的大腦，是六萬英鎊。
“太可笑啦！軍官的腦袋居然比醫生的腦袋貴一倍！”
“哦，沒錯，”腦科專家回答，“你知道，軍官的腦袋是嶄新的，它從來就沒被用過。”
21 Traffic Accident
In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, two cars both veer over the white line in the center of the road.They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither occupant is hurt.It is impossible to assess blame for the accident.
Both the drivers get out of their cars. One is a doctor and the other is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his car phone and goes over to talk to the doctor.
It’s cold and damp, and both men are quite shaken up at the accident.
The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask.
“Oh, thank you. ”the doctor accepts. He takes a few drink and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.
“Aren’t you also going to have a drink?”the doctor asks.“Yes, after the police gets here.”replies the lawyer.
交通事故
午夜，某地兩輛車同時在路中央的白線上調頭，然後撞在了一塊兒，車損傷情況嚴重。雖然兩個車主並沒有受傷，但很難看出是誰肇事。
兩人都走出車外，一人是一位醫生，另一人是一名律師。律師用車上的電話報了警，然後走過來同醫生交談。
空氣很冷很濕，兩人對這場事故都有點心有餘悸。律師掏出身後褲袋裏的酒瓶，遞給醫生讓他喝一口白蘭地。
“哦，謝謝。”醫生接過來，他喝了一點，然後還給了律師。律師把酒瓶拋到一邊。
“你不來一口嗎？”醫生問。
“要，在警察到了之後。”律師回答。
22 A Tough Marine Sergeant
A tough Marine sergeant got word that the grandfather of one of his men had died. At roll call he snapped,“Hey, Henry, your grandfather died!”the Marine fainted on the spot.
A week later the grandmother of another Marine died. The sergeant once again called his men together.
“Amy, ”he yelled,“your grandmother died last night!”
The Marine burst into tears.
Finally, word got back to the captain about the sergeant’s insensitivity. He was called on the carpet and told to be less direct and gruff when one of his troops suffered a tragedy. A week later the sergeant was notified that Private Jack had just lost his grandmother.Remembering what the captain had said, he lined up his troops.
“Everyone whose grandmother is alive, please take one step forward. Not so fast, Jack!”
粗魯的海軍中士
一個粗魯的海軍中士接到命令，說他的一名士兵的爺爺去世了。他在點名時大聲說道：“嘿，亨利，你爺爺死了！”那名士兵當場昏倒在地。
一周後，另一名士兵的奶奶死了。中士又一次將他的士兵們叫到了一塊兒。
“艾米，”他大聲說道，“你奶奶昨天夜裏死了！”那名士兵頓時淚如雨下。
最後，關於“中士沒有人情味”的議論傳到了上尉那裏。上尉把他叫去訓了一頓，吩咐他說，當士兵遇到傷心事時，不要直截了當態度粗魯。又過了一周，中士被通知說，列兵傑克的奶奶剛剛去世了。想起上尉說過的話，中士讓大家排隊站好。
“奶奶還活著的人，請向前跨一步。傑克，不要那麼快！”
23 How Many Can Be Discharged
A mental hospital was critically overcrowded. The doctor decided to get all the patients seated in one large room to conduct a test to see how many they discharged that day.
At the front of the room, the doctors took some chalk and drew a full size door on a blackboard and offered an ice cream to any patient who could open the door.
There was a mad rush for the door with the patients scratching a clawing at the door and the handle.
The doctors were disappointed, until they noticed a single patient who remained in his chair and was quietly chucking to himself as he watched his fellow patients.
Encouraged that at least one patient could be discharged today, the doctors asked him why he wasn’t trying to open the door.
The patient, who could no longer contain his laughter, shouted, “I’ve got the key!”
多少人能出院
一個精神病醫院因為過度擁擠遭到很多人的指責，醫生決定讓所有的病人都待在一個大房間裏做一個測試，再決定多少人能出院。
醫生站在房間前邊，拿出一些粉筆，在黑板上畫了一個與實際尺寸大小相同的門，然後說誰能打開這扇門就獎勵給他一個冰激淩。
病人們蜂擁而上，瘋狂地奔向那扇假門，用手拚命地抓門和門把手。
醫生們失望極了，直到他們發現有一個病人仍然坐在自己的椅子上，一邊靜靜地抿嘴笑，一邊看著他的病友們。
醫生們覺得今天至少能有一個人出院了，他們感到很欣慰，醫生們問他為什麼他不去開那扇門。
那個病人再也忍不住笑了，大喊道：“我有鑰匙！”
24 That’s Your Worry
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant.
Now he was being interviewed by a highly agitated, arrogant little man who ran a small business that he had started from scratch.
“I need someone with an accounting degree, ”the man said.“But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”
“How’s that?”the would‐be accountant asked.
“I worry about a lot of things. ”the man said,“But I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back. ”
“I see.”the accountant said,“And how much will my position pay?”
“I’ll start you at ninty‐five thousand, ”responded the man decisively.
“Ninty five thousand dollars!”the accountant exclaimed .“How can such a small business afford a sum like that？ ”
“That, ”the man said,“is your first worry. Now get to work!”
那是你的事
一個小夥子剛從商業學校畢業，去應聘做會計。
現在，小夥子正在接受麵試，麵試他的是一個焦躁傲慢、個子矮小的男人，經營著自己白手起家的小公司。
“我需要會計專業的人，”他說，“但是我主要是想找一個能為我分憂的人。”
“我操的心可多著呢，”他說，“但是我用不著為錢而操心了，你的工作就是為我操這個心。”
“我明白了，”小夥說，“這個職位薪水是多少？”
“起薪九萬五千美元。”這個男人果斷回答。
“九萬五千美元！”小夥子驚叫道，“這麼小的公司怎麼能夠開出這麼高的薪水來？”
“這個問題，”那個男人說，“就是你第一個要操心的事。現在馬上工作吧！”
25 Post Haste
My husband asked me to go to the post office to mail his resume in anticipation of a job interview. He instructed me to send it the fastest way possible.
Struck by the urgency in his voice, I grabbed a handful of change and dashed out the door. Arriving at the post office, I rushed to the counter and breathlessly explained to the clerk that my envelope had to be delivered immediately. He casually weighed the envelope and said it would cost $10. 03. I fumbled through my pockets and tallied up my coins.“But I don’t have $10. 03. ”I said. He punched some more buttons and said,“OK, that will be $7. 40, madam. ”
Once more I said in dismay,“Sorry, I don’t have $7. 40. ”
“Well, ”he sighed,“exactly how much do you have?”
I meekly answered,“I have exactly $2. 15. sir. ”
With that, he yelled over his shoulder to a coworker,“Hey, Charlie, get the pigeon ready. ”
緊急郵遞
我丈夫要我去郵局，郵寄他的簡曆，期望能得到一個工作麵試的機會。他叮囑我，一定要想方設法盡快郵寄出去。
看他那麼著急，我立馬抓起一把零錢，匆匆忙忙衝出門去。到了郵局，我衝到櫃台，氣喘籲籲地對職員說我的信件必須立即被郵寄出去。他漫不經心地稱了一下信件說要花費10.03美元。我翻遍了口袋，加上了所有的硬幣。“但是我沒有10.03美元。”我回答。他敲了幾個鍵，說道：“好吧，那現在需要7.40美元，女士。”
我再一次搖了搖頭：“對不起，我也沒有7.40美元。”
“好吧。”他歎了口氣，“你到底有多少？”
我謙和地回答：“我有2.15美元，先生。”
聽了我的話後，他轉身對同事喊道：“喂，查理，準備好信鴿。”
26 Old Fire Truck
A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana.
The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. And though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteer fire department arrived in an old fire truck.