一位幽默家
逗趣的人愛開玩笑，幽默的人想法搞笑。自封的喜劇演員多如牛毛，而真正的幽默家卻是鳳毛麟角。已故的弗雷德·艾倫就是一位優秀的幽默家。
他曾說過這樣的話：“這是我在公共場所看過的最薄的報紙。”還有“海邊的夜總會真是無聊透頂，連潮水都一去不返。”這些話讓他名滿全球。弗雷德還有很多這樣的例子：“一個農民為了保護玉米做了個稻草人。這個稻草人太真了，鳥雀們都很害怕。它們不僅不敢靠近玉米地，而且還回去把兩年前偷的玉米都如數奉還了。”
20 “The Pope Is Never Wrong”Is Not True
On December 6, 1959, while he was visiting Italy, American then President Eisenhower called on the Pope, John the twentieth in Vatican to pay his respects.
Eisenhower introduced his entourage to the Pope. The Pope told him that he could speak French, Bulgarian and Turkish besides his native language Italian.
President Eisenhower asked him,“How about English? ”The Pope said,“Well, I’m getting on in years and have got too much to do. Nevertheless, I spend one hour learning English every day.”
Then Eisenhower asked again,“How is your English going? ”The Pope smiled and answered,“The more I learn, the more I realize that the saying‘The Pope is never wrong’is not true as far as the pronunciation of English is concerned. ”
教皇永無過錯
1959年12月6日，美國時任總統艾森豪威爾在意大利訪問時走訪梵蒂岡，拜見教皇約翰二十世以表示對其的尊重。
艾森豪威爾向教皇介紹了自己的隨行人員。教皇約翰告訴艾森豪威爾，他除了會講母語意大利語，還會講法語、保加利亞語和土耳其語。
艾森豪威爾總統問他：“您英語怎麼樣？”教皇說道：“哎，我上了年紀，事情又多，不過我每天都花一個小時學英語。”
21 Elementary Knowledge
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend:
“Watson, look up and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied，“I see millions and millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?”
Watson pondered for a minute and said,“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.Theologically, l can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.Well, what does it tell you?”
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke，“Watson, you idiot, somebody has stolen our tent.”
基礎知識
夏洛克·福爾摩斯和華生醫生外出野營。酒足飯飽後，他們躺下睡覺。
幾小時後，福爾摩斯醒來，用肘推了推他忠實的朋友：“華生，往上看，告訴我你看到了什麼。”
華生回答：“我看見了數不清的星星。”
“那告訴了你什麼？”
華生想了一分鍾，說：“從天文學上來講，它告訴我那兒有百萬個星係，有可能還有好幾十億個星球；從占星術上來講，我觀察到土星在獅子星座；從時間上來講，我推測現在大約是三點一刻；從神學上來講，我覺得，上帝是萬能的，而我們則是如此渺小，如此微不足道；從氣象學上來講，我猜明天會是個好天氣。那麼，它又告訴你什麼呢？”
福爾摩斯沉默了一會兒，然後說：“華生，你這個笨蛋。有人把我們的帳篷偷走了。”
22 A Story of Jimmy Durante
There’s a wonderful story about Jimmy Durante, one of the great entertainers. He was asked to be a part of a show for World War Ⅱ veterans. He told them his schedule was very busy and he could afford only a few minutes, but if they wouldn’t mind his doing one short monologue and immediately leaving for his next appointment, he would come. Of course, the show’s director agreed happily.
But when Jimmy got on stage, something interesting happened. He went through the short monologue and then stayed. The applause grew louder and louder and he kept staying. Pretty soon, he had been on fifteen, twenty, then thirty stage. Backstage someone stopped him and said,“I thought you had to go after a few minutes. What happened?”
Jimmy answered,“I did have to go, but I can show you the reason I stayed. You can see for yourself if you’ll look on the front row.”In the front row were two men, each of whom had lost an arm in the war. One had lost his right arm and the other had lost his left. Together, they were able to clap, and that’s exactly what they were doing, loudly and cheerfully.
杜蘭特的單口相聲
這是一個關於傑出演員吉米·杜蘭特的動人故事。一次他被邀請去參加一場為二戰老兵舉行的演出。他告訴主辦方自己日程很緊，隻能抽出幾分鍾時間，如果他們不介意他表演完一個單口相聲後就離開，那麼他可以去。當然，導演很高興地答應了。
可是吉米在台上表演時，有趣的事情發生了。他表演完一個簡短的單口相聲後竟然繼續留在了舞台上。掌聲越來越響，他就遲遲沒有離去。很快，他在台上已經待了十五、二十、三十分鍾了。後來在後台，有人問他：“你不是過幾分鍾就要走嗎？怎麼又沒走呢？”
吉米回答說：“我的確必須得走的，不過我留下來是有原因的。要是看看前排，你們自己也能發現為什麼。”隻見前排坐著兩個人，他們都在戰爭中失去了一條胳膊。一個沒有右胳膊，一個沒有左胳膊。不過，他們一起就能夠鼓掌了，現在他們就正在興高采烈地鼓掌呢。
23 What Did He Eat
One day a friend of Newton came to dine with him. Dinner was put on the table, but Newton did not come out of his study. His friend, who was used to Newton’s peculiar ways, sat down and waited for him. After waiting for quite a good while he decided that Newton must have been so deep in some new theory that he had forgotten all about his dinner. He therefore began eating the dinner without waiting for Newton and helped himself to the chicken which was on the table.
When he had finished, he thought he would play a trick on his friend. He put all the chicken bones back on the dish and covered them with the dish cover. Then he quietly left Newton’s house. He was quite certain that trick would work.
Several hours later, Newton came out of his study, feeling very hungry. He saw the table had been set for dinner and so he sat down at his place. When he lifted the cover and saw the bones of the chicken, he was greatly surprised. He turned, looked at the clock, and saw that it was long past his usual time for dinner.
“Well, well, ”he said to himself,“I thought I had yet dined, but, but I am mistaken”
Getting up from the table, he went back to his study and began to work again, thinking that he had eaten his dinner at the usual hour and had forgotten all about it.
牛頓“吃飯”
一天，牛頓的朋友來找他一起吃飯。飯已經擺在桌上了，牛頓還是沒從書房裏出來。朋友對牛頓的行為已經習以為常了，於是就坐下來等他。可等了好—會兒，牛頓還沒來。朋友想，牛頓肯定是在鑽研什麼新理論，把吃飯的事全然忘記了。因此，他就不等牛頓，自己吃起了桌上的雞肉。
吃完後，他想捉弄下牛頓。於是，他把雞骨頭全都放回了盤子裏，並蓋好。然後他就悄悄地離開了牛頓家。他認為牛頓肯定會上當的。
過了幾個小時，牛頓從書房裏出來了，他感到很餓，看到桌上已準備好飯菜，他就坐了下來。可是掀開蓋子，看到那些雞骨頭，他驚訝不已。他轉過身，看了看鍾表，發現早已過了他平常吃飯的時間。
“噢，”他自言自語道，“我還以為自己沒吃飯呢，原來我已經吃完了。”
他站起身來，又回書房去工作了。他以為自己已經按時吃過了飯，隻是自己忘記了而已。