“Oh,” says the drunk, and he quaffs his martini, puts the turtle in his coat pocket, and leaves.
Believe it or not, the very next night the same drunk enters the same bar.
“Give me a martini!” he demands.
“No, no,” says the bartender. “You’ve been overserved already. Get on home.”
Spying the dart board once more, the drunk guy says:“Would tossing three bull’s eyes prove that I’m not overserved?”
The bartender can’t believe that anybody this drunk could possibly hit the dartboard, let alone get three bull’s eyes.
“OK,” he says, forking over the three darts.
The drunk deftly grabs all three darts and tosses them simultaneously.
Thwock! All three darts land solidly in the bull’s eye!
“Unbelievable!” says the incredulous bartender. True to his word, he prepares a martini and sets it before the drunk guy. He then lays a beautiful long-stem rose on the bar next to the cocktail.
“What’s this?” asks the drunk.
“That’s a special prize for being so good at darts,” says the bartender.
“Oh,” says the drunk. “All out of roast beef on a hard roll, huh?”
擊中靶心
一個酒鬼走進了一家小酒吧。他已經喝得酩酊大醉了，站都站不穩。他含糊不清的說：“酒保，給出我一杯馬丁尼酒！”
“不行，”酒保說，“你今天已經喝得太多了。”
酒鬼看見了酒館後麵的鏢盤。
“你聽著，”他說：“我若連中三鏢，你能給我酒喝嗎？”
“當然，”酒保說。因為他想這個遊戲結束後，這個酒鬼就得離開了。
他遞給那酒鬼三支飛鏢。“大家都留點兒神。”
“嗖，嗖，嗖，”這個酒鬼飛快地將鏢射中了靶心。
酒保從未遇到過這種事情，可他不得不承認自己輸了。於是拿來馬丁尼酒放在酒鬼麵前。在酒的旁邊還放了一條餐巾，餐巾上又放了一隻龜。
“這是什麼？”酒鬼問。
“因為你射的非常出色，這是對你的獎勵，”酒保答。
酒鬼喝完了酒，把龜放進自己的口袋裏走了。
第二天晚上，又是這個酒鬼走進了同一家酒吧，他還是那樣爛醉如泥。
“酒保，”他說，“給我馬丁尼酒。”
“不行，”酒保說，“你喝的太多了，快回家吧。”
酒鬼又盯上了飛鏢。
“如果我連中三鏢，你能給我酒嗎？”他問。
酒保想：“這家夥才沒那麼走運呢，我不能讓他再來了。”
“當然，當然，”他邊說邊遞上飛鏢。
“啪，啪，啪”，三發三中。
“真牛，”酒保讚許道，並且又拿來了酒。同樣，還放了一隻龜在旁邊。
“這是什麼？”酒鬼問。
“這是對你百發百中的獎勵。”
“噢，”酒鬼說。他把酒一飲而盡，把龜往兜裏一放就走了。
信不信由你，這個酒鬼第三次光臨了小酒吧。
“給我馬丁尼酒，”他叫著。
“不行，”酒保說，“你已經醉了，快回家吧。”
酒鬼再一次盯著飛瞟問：“連中三鏢能不能證明我沒醉？”
酒保不相信這個酒鬼不但能射中而且是連中三發。於是酒保同意了，不情願的拿出三支鏢。
酒鬼熟練的抓起了三支鏢，並且把他們一起投了出去。太不可思議了！三隻鏢牢牢地射中了靶心。
“太難以置信了！”酒保說。可他還是履行了自己的諾言，準備好馬丁尼酒放在酒鬼麵前。這回他還在雞尾酒的旁邊放了一支美麗的玫瑰花。
“這是什麼？”酒鬼問。
“這是對你的高超技藝的獎勵。”酒保答道。
“噢！是硬卷三明治上的烤牛排，對吧？”
（注：hard roll 是一種樣子像龜形狀三明治。）
Marriage
Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.”
Before a man is married, he is incomplete. Then when he is married, he is finished.
Marriage is an institution in which a man losses his bachelor’s degree and the woman gets her master’s status.
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying for it.”
Young son: “Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?” Dad: “That happens in most countries, son.”
Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late.”
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why!
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” And the 或husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.”
A man inserted an “ad” in the classified: “Wife wanted”. The next day, he received hundreds letters. They all said the same thing “You can have mine.”
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or his wife is new.
A woman was telling her friend: “It is I who made my husband a millionaire.” “And what was he before you married him?” the friend asked. The woman replied, “A multimillionaire.”
結 婚
結婚就像和朋友上餐館。你點了你要的，然後又看見了同伴點的東西。這時你就會想我幹嗎不點那個呢？
在雞尾酒會上，一個女人問另一個：“你把結婚戒指戴錯手指了吧？”那位答到：“是啊，沒錯。因為我嫁錯了人。”
一個男人結婚之前還不是個完人。然後他結婚了，這樣就算“完”了。
婚姻就象這樣一個學院：男人在圍城裏丟了學士學位，而女人卻在圍城裏得到了碩士學位。
小男孩問他父親：“老爸，結婚要花多少錢？”父親答到：“不知道，兒子。我到現在還
在不停付賬呢。”
年輕的兒子問：“是真的嗎，老爸。我聽說在非洲的一些地方，一個男人直到結婚還不
認識他妻子？”老爹：“這事在大多數國家都有，兒子。”
一個男人悲歎：“直到結婚我從不知道真正的幸福是什麼。知道時卻已太晚了。”
幸福的婚姻就是付出與獲取的事；老公付出，老婆獲取。 一個新婚的男人看上去快樂，我們知道為何。但一個結婚十年的男人看上去快樂，我們就要驚訝“為什麼”！
婚姻生活真是讓人沮喪。結婚第一年，男人說話女人聽。第二年，女人說話男人聽。第三年，他們都在說話而鄰居在聽。
一場爭吵後，妻子對丈夫說：“你要明白，我嫁了給你，我真是個傻瓜。”丈夫回到：“是啊，親愛的，可惜我戀愛時昏了頭，居然沒發現你這點。”
一個男人在分類廣告欄裏插了條廣告：“要個老婆”。第二天，他收到數百封男人們的來信。他們都說了同一件事：“你可以要走我老婆。”
當一個男人為他妻子開車門時，你可以肯定一件事：要麼車子是新的，要麼妻子是新的。
一個女人告訴她的朋友：“是我使我丈夫成了個百萬富翁。”“那他結婚前是什麼？”朋友問。女人說：“一個千萬富翁。”
Rainbow
Money is not everything. There’s MasterCard & Visa.
One should love animals. They are so tasty.
Save water. Shower with your girlfriend.
Love the neighbor. But don’t get caught.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
The wise never marry, and when they marry they become otherwise.
Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.
Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.
Love is photogenic. It needs darkness to develop.
Children in backseats cause accidents. Accidents in backseats cause children.
Your future depends on your dreams. “So go to sleep.”
There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning.
Hard work never killed anybody. “But why take the risk?”
Work fascinates me. “I can look at it for hours!”
God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends.
When two’s company, three’s the result!
A dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises without restricting the view.
The more you learn, the more you know. The more you know, and the more you forget. The more you forget, the less you know. So why bother to learn?
五彩繽紛
錢不是一切。Master卡和Visa卡才是。
人應該愛動物。它們多美味啊。
節約水資源。和女友一起淋浴。
愛我們的鄰居。不過別被他們纏住。
每個成功男人背後都有一個女人。而不成功的男人背後，有兩個。
每個人都應該結婚。畢竟，人生不僅僅是快樂。
明智的人不結婚，而他們結婚了就成了例外的人。
成功是個關係詞。成功總是能帶來很多親戚。
絕對不要把工作推遲到明天，隻要今天還能推遲的話。
愛情就像衝洗膠卷，需要黑暗才能洗出照片。
坐在後排座位的孩子常常惹出意外。而在後麵的意外會造成孩子。
你的未來有賴於你的夢想。“所以，睡覺去吧。”
總應該有種比每天早上起床更好的方法來開始新的一天吧。
艱苦的工作不會殺了誰。“但是幹什麼要冒這個險呢？”
工作迷住我了。“我可以幾小時地一動不動地盯著它看！”
上帝給了我們親戚。感謝上帝，我們總算可以挑選自己的朋友。
兩人在一起做伴，結果出現了三個人。
衣服就像是帶刺的籬笆牆，保護著房屋，但又沒有擋住風景。
你學的越多，就知道的越多；知道的越多，就忘的越多；忘的越多，知道的就越少。所以，幹嗎費勁學習？
Improvement
One student to another: “How are your English lessons coming along?” “Fine. I used to be one who couldn’t understand the English men, and now it’s the English men who can’t understand me.”
進 步
一位學生對另一位說：“你的英語最近學的怎麼樣？”“很好，我過去不懂英國人說話，可現在是英國人不懂我的話了。”
The Fox and the Crane
One day a fox met a crane. It will be fun to play a joke on the crane, though he. The fox asked the crane to come to his house for supper. The bird thanked the fox and they went together.
Now the fox had only thin soup to eat, and he put the soup in a flat soup plate. The crane was a tall bird. She had a long neck and a long bill, so she could not eat from a soup plate. She tried again and again to eat the soup, but she could not get any. The tricky fox watched the crane and laughed. It was easy for him to lick up the thin soup from the plate. He had all the soup and the crane went home hungry.
Then one day the crane met fox. This time she asked him to come to her house for supper. So the fox went to the crane’s house. The crane had soup for supper too, but the soup was in a tall jar with a long neck. It was easy for the crane to put her bill into the jar, but the fox could not get at the soup. So the crane ate all her soup while the fox did not get a drop it, and the crane ate the fox’s soup, too.
The crane taught the fox a good lesson. She paid the fox in his own coin. He had to run home to find something to eat.