“Never mind, what does the S-T-R-A-W in strawberry spell?”
“Straw,” he answers, “But I still don’t understand what this has got to do with my getting the ice cream I want?”
“What does the F-U-C-K in chocolate spell?” asks the attendant.
“Wait a minute” says the man, “there’s no fuck in chocolate!”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you, dick brain, now get out of my store.”
巧克力冰激淩
一個人走進了一家冷飲店，告訴服務員他要香草、草莓、巧克力味的冰激淩各一加侖。
“對不起”，服務員說：“巧克力味的冰激淩已經賣完了”。
“如果那樣的話，”那個人說：“我要香草、草莓、巧克力味的冰激淩各一品脫。”
“老兄，我不是告訴你了嗎，我們的巧克力冰激淩已經賣完了。”服務員有些不高興了。
“好的，這樣的話”，那人說：“我要香草、草莓、巧力克味的冰激淩各一勺。”
“先生，‘香草’的‘香’怎麼寫？”
“V-A-N”，他答道，“可這和冰激淩有什麼關係呢？”
“那麼，‘草莓’的‘草’怎麼寫”？
“S-T-R-A-W”，他答到，“我還是不明白這個和我想要的冰激淩有什麼關係呢？”
“‘巧克力’的‘混蛋’怎麼寫？”服務員問。
“等一下”，那個人說，“‘巧克力’沒有‘混蛋’”！
“這就是我一直想對您說的，木腦袋，滾出我的店。”
Cliff Jumping
A man is running along and falls off a cliff - I don’t know why he falls off a cliff, he just does, OK?
As he’s falling he manages to grab onto a tree about 15 feet down, growing out from the side of the cliff. Now he’s hanging there and he looks down and sees this 200 feet drop below him, but he knows he’s only 15 feet from the top of cliff. Looking up he cries out for help, “Is there anybody up there?”
Much to his surprise he is heard. A voice replies which can only be that of the lord (the reverb has been turned up and there’s too much bass), “Let… go…” The man looks down at the 200 feet drop, and then looking up once more, cries out, “Is there anybody else up there?”
跳 崖
一個人沿著懸崖跑，結果掉了下去。可我並不知道他為什麼掉了下去，就讓我們姑且說他掉了下去，怎麼樣？
在他掉下去15英尺的那一瞬間，他努力抓住了一棵長在懸崖邊的樹。於是，他就掛在了那裏。向下看，腳下是200英尺的深穀，可他又一想，距上麵的懸崖也就15英尺，於是他抬頭向上求救：“上邊有人嗎？”
讓他大為吃驚的是，居然有人聽到了他的求救聲。一個好像是地獄裏的聲音回答說（因為是回聲，所以聽起來有些陰森）：“快下來。”這個人又向下看了看這 200英尺的深穀，就又抬起了頭向上求救：“上麵還有別人嗎？”
Collection Plate
The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were ‘protecting’. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job; if he were to get caught, he wouldn’t be able to communicate to the police what he was doing. Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector.
The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can’t communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.
The mafia hood says to the interpreter, “Ask him where the money is.” The interpreter signs, “where’s the money?”
The deaf replies, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
The interpreter tells the hood, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”
The hood pulls out a gun and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. “NOW ask him where the money is.”
The interpreter signs, “Where is the money?”
The deaf replies, “The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park.”
The interpreter’s eyes light up and says to the hood, “He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about, and doesn’t think you have the balls to pull the trigger.”
收“保護費”
黑手黨正在找一個新手，每周到他們所“保護”的那些做小生意的人那裏收“保護費”。由於得到消息說警方最近查的很嚴，他們決定找一個聾子來做這個工作。因為如果他被捉到，警察無法向他問話來了解他在做什麼。所以，第一個星期，這個聾子收上來40000美元。他開始變得貪心了，決定留著這些錢，便把錢藏在了一個保險的地方。不久匪徒便察覺到他們沒有按時收到錢，便派了幾個小隨從跟著聾子。
隨從們找到了聾子。匪徒問他把錢放哪了，可是他們根本無法交流。於是，匪徒便把聾子拉到了一個翻譯那裏。
匪徒對翻譯說：“問問他把錢放哪了？”翻譯打手勢表示：“錢在哪？”
聾子回答：“我不知道你在說什麼。”
翻譯告訴匪徒：“他說他不知道你在說什麼”。
匪徒掏出一隻槍，把它放在聾子的耳邊：“現在問他錢放哪了。”
翻譯打手勢表示：“錢放哪了？”
聾子回答：“40000美元在中央公園裏的三個樹樁下麵”。
翻譯眼前一亮對匪徒說：“他說他還是不知道你在說什麼，而且他不相信你會摳動扳機射出子彈。”
Colonel Clinker
An English P.O.W. is in a German hospital with serious injuries. The doctor comes into his room and says, “The news is bad. We are going to have to amputate your leg.”
The Britain replies, “Right then. War is hell and all that malarkey. But could you ask your commandant if he wouldn’t find it too much of a bother to drop it over my beloved homeland when he goes on his next bombing mission?” Off goes the doctor, and with the commandant’s permission, they fulfill his request.
A few days later, the doctor returns into his room and says, “More bad news. We are going to have to amputate your other leg.” The Brit replies, “Right then. War is hell and all that malarkey. Could you ask your commandant if he wouldn’t mind terribly if he could drop it over my beloved homeland when he goes on his next bombing mission?” Off goes the doctor, and again his request is fulfilled.
Another week passes, and the doctor returns to his room and says, “Ah! More bad news. We are going to have to amputate your arm.” The Britain replies, “Right then. War is hell and all that malarkey. Please do ask your commandant if he could find the time to drop it over my beloved homeland on his next bombing mission?” Sure enough, it is done.
More time passes, and the doctor once again returns and says, “Bad news, we are going to have to amputate your other arm!” The Brit replies, “Right then. War is hell and all that malarkey. It would warm my heart dearly if the commandant could drop it over my beloved homeland on his next bombing mission.” The doctor goes off and returns with an agitated look on his face. “The commandant says NO, he will not do this for you. He thinks you are trying to escape!”
愚蠢的指揮官
一個英國戰俘身負重傷住在一家德軍醫院裏。醫生走進他的病房對他說：“一個壞消息，我們將不得不截斷的你的一條腿。”
英軍回答說：“那好吧，都說戰爭如地獄，這話一點兒都不假。不過請你問問你們的指揮官，如果不麻煩，能不能在他執行下次轟炸任務的時候，順便把我的腿扔到我深愛著的祖國呢？”醫生去請示，得到了指揮官的同意，他們滿足了英軍的要求。
過了幾天，醫生第二次來到英軍的病房對他說：“更壞的消息，我們將不得不截斷你的另一條腿。”英軍回答說：“那好吧，都說戰爭如地獄，這話一點兒都不假。請你問問你們的指揮官，如果不麻煩，能不能在他執行下次轟炸任務的時候，順便把我的腿扔到我深愛著的祖國呢？”醫生去請示，同樣，他的要求再次得到了滿足。
又過了一周，醫生第三次來到英軍的病房對他說：“很不幸，還是一個壞消息，我們將不得不截斷的你的一隻胳膊。”英軍回答說：“那好吧，都說戰爭如地獄，這話一點兒都不假。不過請你一定去問問你們的指揮官，看他能不能在他執行下次轟炸任務的時候，抽空把我的胳膊扔到我深愛著的祖國呢？”這個要求理所當然又得到了滿足。
過了很久，醫生第四次來到英軍的病房對他說：“仍是一個壞消息。我們將不得不截斷的你的另一隻胳膊。”英軍回答說：“那好吧，都說戰爭如地獄，這話一點兒都不假。不過如果你們的指揮官在他執行下次轟炸任務的時候能把我的胳膊扔到我深愛的祖國，我將感動不已。”醫生去請示，可回來的時候卻是滿臉不安的神情。“指揮官說不行，他不會再幫你了，他認為你打算逃跑。”
Congressional Ethics
What Congress means by ethics is best explained by the tailor’s story:
“Suppose I sell a suit to a young man for $200. He tells me that his family is footing the bill and that if I give him a receipt for $400 to give to his parents, he will pay me $100 on the side. The question of ethics is: Do I keep the extra $100 myself, or do I tell my partner and split it with him?”
國會倫理
用一個裁縫所講的故事就能夠充分說明美國國會的倫理困境：
“假如我以 200美元把一套衣服賣給了一個年青男子。他會對我說，這錢他家裏會付，而且如果我給他開一張400美元的收據，他會偷偷的給我 100美元。而我則麵臨著一個倫理問題：是獨享這額外賺來的100美元呢？還是告訴我的同伴並和他分享呢？”
Bull’s eye
A drunk goes into a bar. He is very, very drunk --can hardly stand up. He slurs his way up to the bar and says:
“Hey, bartender! Give me a martini!”
“No, no,” says the bartender. “You’ve had too much already.”
The drunk spies a dartboard behind the bar.
“Tell you what,” he says. “If I can throw three bull’s eyes with that dart set would you let me have the drink?”
“Sure,” says the bartender, thinking the guy would leave after the little game.
He hands the drunk three darts. “Look out, everybody!”
Zot, zot, zot. The drunk throws three quick bull’s eyes.
Well, the bartender had never seen anything like that before, but he has to make good on the wager, so he makes a martini and sets it before the drunk. He then puts a napkin next to the drink and sets a turtle on it.
“What’s this,” says the drunk.
“That’s a prize for such fine dart throwing,” says the bartender.
The drunk drinks his martini, picks up the turtle, puts it in his coat pocket, and leaves.
Well, the next night, the same drunk goes into the same bar. Again, he is hopelessly inebriated.
“Bartender,” he says. “Give me a martini!”
“No, no,” says the bartender. “You’re too drunk already. Go home.”
Again the drunk notices the darts.
“If I can throw three bull’s eyes would you give me the martini?” he asks.
The bartender thinks, “This guy can’t be that lucky again. I’ll get rid of him.”
“Sure, sure,” he says, handing the darts over.
Bip, bip, bip. Three bull’s eyes.
“Holy cow,” says the bartender, and he gives the drunk guy a martini. Again, he sets a turtle next to it.
“What’s this?” asks the drunk.
“That’s a prize for being such a good shot.”