1 Automatic Answering Machine
Department‐store Automatic Answering Machine:
“If you are calling to order or send money, press 2. ”
“If you are calling to register a complaint, press 52‐6394587 3325296. ”
語音自助係統
百貨公司的語音自助係統：
“如果你需要預訂或彙錢，請按2。”
“如果你要投訴，請按52‐63945873325296。”
2 It’s for You
Mason grabbed his plate and walked up to the party buffet for the fifth time.“Aren’t you embarrassed to go back for many helpings？”asked his wife.
“Not a bit，”he replied.“I keep telling them it’s for you.”
給你的
梅森飛快地拿起盤子，第五次走到宴會餐廳。“你去那麼多次不感到不好意思嗎？”他的妻子問道。
“一點也不，”他回答說，“我一直都說是給你端的。”
3 Wife
The man approached a very beautiful woman in a supermarket and asked,“You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes？ ”
“Why？ ”she asks.
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere. ”
妻子
在一個超市裏，一個男子走向一位非常漂亮的小姐，對她說：“我和我的妻子走散了，你能和我聊一會兒嗎？”
“為什麼呢？”這個小姐問。
“因為每當我與漂亮小姐聊天時，我的妻子就會不知從什麼地方冒出來。”
4 Good News and Bad News
“There’s good news and bad news, ”the divorce lawyer told his client.
“I could sure use some good news. ”sighed the client, “What’s it？ ”
“Your wife isn’t demanding that your future inheritances be included in the settlement. ”
“And the bad news？ ”
“After the divorce, she’s marrying your father. ”
好消息與壞消息
“有好消息，也有壞消息。”離婚律師告訴他的當事人。
“我總能利用一些好消息吧，”當事人歎了口氣說，“是什麼好消息？”
“你妻子沒有要求將你未來的繼承財產也劃入裁決的範圍。”
“那麼壞消息呢？”
“離婚以後，她將與你父親結婚。”
5 Midway Tactics
Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall.Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.
The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying: Gigantic Sale!And Super Bargains!
The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming: Prices Slashed!
The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated: entrance.
中間戰術
三個互相爭生意的商店老板在一條商業街上租用了毗鄰的店鋪，旁觀者等著瞧好戲。
右邊的零售商掛起了巨大的招牌，上書：大減價！特便宜！
左邊的商店掛出了更大的招牌，聲稱：大砍價！大折扣！
中間的商人隨後準備了一個大招牌，上麵隻簡單地寫著：入口處。
6 A Kiss a Meter
A very beautiful girl walked up to a department store’s fabric counter and said, “How much is this？”
“Only a kiss a meter.”replied the smirking man assistant.
“That’s fine.”replied the girl,“I’ll take ten meters.”
The assistant quickly measured the material, wrapped it and gave it to the girl.
Taking it, the girl turned and pointed to an old man standing beside her.“My grandpa will pay the bill.”she said.
一米布料一個吻
一個很漂亮的女孩走到商店的布料櫃台問道：“這個多少錢啊？”
“一米隻要一個吻哦。”男售貨員嬉笑著回答。
“好啊，”女孩回答，“給我來十米。”
售貨員很快量好了布料，包好遞給女孩。
女孩接過布料，然後轉身指著她身邊的一位老人說：“我爺爺會付賬的。”
7 Potato Punishment
There was a man who went to a restaurant and ordered some food. After receiving his order, he suddenly called to his waitress and said,“Please come here.”
When the waitress came, he showed her a potato on his plate and said,“This potato is very bad. ”So the waitress picked the potato up, spanked it, then put it back down again and told the man,“Sir, if this potato makes any more trouble for you again, just call me. ”
處罰馬鈴薯
有一個人到一家餐廳用餐，他點了些食物。當收到點的食物後，他突然呼叫服務生：“請過來一下。”
當服務生過來時。他讓她看了盤裏的馬鈴薯，說道：“這個馬鈴薯很糟糕！”隻見那位服務生拿起馬鈴薯，重重地打了它一下，然後再把它放回盤子上，說道：“先生，如果這個馬鈴薯再找您麻煩，您盡管叫我。”
8 Have You Ceased Beating Your Wife？
This story is told of a browbeating counsel，who habitually endeavored to terrorize his opponent’s witnesses．
One witness rather tended to preface his replies with lengthy explanations.“I want‘yes’or‘no，’”thundered counsel.“There is no need for you to argue the point！”
“But there are some questions which cannot be answered by‘yes’or‘no，’”mildly responded the witness．
“There are not！”snapped the lawyer．
“Oh，” said the witness，“answer this then：“Have you ceased beating your wife？”
你停止打你老婆了嗎？
這個故事講的是一個咄咄逼人的辯護律師，他慣於盡量去恐嚇對方的證人。有一個證人有點傾向於在回答問題之前做冗長的解釋。
“我要你回答‘是’或者‘不是’，”辯護律師怒喝道： “你沒有必要就這個問題進行爭論。”
“可是有些問題無法用‘是’或者‘不是’來回答。”這位證人溫和地回敬他。
“不存在這樣的問題！”律師厲聲打斷他。
“噢，”證人說：“那麼請你回答這個問題：“你停止打你老婆了嗎？”
9 A Blind Man
John is waiting to cross the street when a blind man approaches with his guide‐dog.
The sign lights to cross and instead of helping his boss to cross the dog raises his rear leg and pees on the man’s pants.
The man reaches in his pocket and gives the dog a cookie.
John is amazed and tells the man,“If it were my dog, I would have kicked his ass!”
The man calmly answers,“I’m going to. But I need to find the head first”.
瞎子
約翰正要過馬路，他看到一個瞎子，正帶著他的導盲犬也要過馬路。
綠燈時，那隻狗不帶它的主人過馬路，卻在它主人的褲子上尿尿。
不料，那瞎子卻伸手進他的口袋，拿了一片餅幹給那隻狗。
約翰很驚訝，跟那瞎子說：“如果那是我的狗，我一定會踢它的屁股。”
那瞎子非常鎮靜地回答說：“是啊，我是要踢它，但是我必須要先找到它的頭啊。”
10 It’s the Time to Plant Potatoes
The inmate was aware that all prison mail passes through censors.When he got a letter from his wife,“Honey, when do I plant potatoes？”He wrote back,“Do not, under any cicumstances, dig up our old garden spot. That’s where I buried all my guns.”
Within days his wife wrote back,“Seven investigators came to the house. They dug up every square inch of the backyard.”
By return mail she got his answer,“Now is the time to plant potatoes.”
該種土豆了
一個囚犯得知監獄的所有郵件都要經過審查。他收到妻子的信，信裏問：“親愛的，我何時種土豆？”他回信說：“在任何情況下，都不要翻我們家老菜園那個地方。我把所有的槍都藏在了那裏。”
沒過幾天，他的妻子回信說：“七名調查人員來到了我們家，他們把後院的每一寸地都翻了個底朝天。”
她收到丈夫的回信：“現在該種土豆了。”
11 Postal Love
A woman walks into a post office one day to see a man standing at the counter methodically placing“Love”stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. The man then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying each envelope.
The woman, curiosity getting the best of her, goes up to the man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says,“I’m sending out 1000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who？’”
“But why？”asks the woomen.
“I’m a divorce lawyer.”replies the man.
郵寄愛情
一名婦女走進郵局，看到一個男人站在櫃台邊正在按順序往印滿心形圖案的亮粉色信封上貼標誌著愛情的郵票，然後那個男人拿出香水瓶往每個信封上噴香水。
這位婦女非常好奇，於是上前問那位男士他在幹什麼，那位男士說：“我要郵寄一千張寫著‘猜猜是誰’的情人卡。”
“為什麼呢？”那位女士問道。
“我是位承辦離婚的律師。”那位男士回答道。
12 Borrow Golf Clubs
Every time the man next door headed toward Richard’s house, Richard knew he was coming to borrow something.
“He won’t get away with it this time. ”muttered Richard to his wife.
“Er, I wonder if you’d be using your power‐saw this morning.” the neighbor began.
“Gee, I’m terribly sorry, ”said Richard on with a smug look,“but the fact of the matter is, I’ll be using it all day. ”
“In that case, ”said the neighbor,“you won’t be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them？ ”
借高爾夫球杆
理查德知道，每次隔壁的男人到自己家來，都要借東西。
“這次說什麼也不能借給他。”理查德低聲對妻子說。
“呃，你今天早上用不用電鋸？”鄰居問。
“呀，真抱歉，”理查德洋洋得意地說，“事實上，我一天都要用它。”
“這樣的話，”鄰居說，“你不用高爾夫球杆嘍，我借用一下行嗎？”
13 Let Him Worry
The man couldn’t sleep.“My darling”his wife asked,“What’s wrong？ How come you can’t sleep tonight？”
“Oh!”he said,“Tomorrow is the first of the month, and I don’t have the rent. ”
“For this you’re not sleeping？”she asked. Then she reached for the bedside telephone and called the landlord.
“This is Mrs. Tom.”she said,“Tomorrow is the first day of the month, and my husband doesn’t have your rent money.”
She hung up and turned to her husband.“Now you go to sleep. Let him worry. ”
將煩惱留給房東
丈夫晚上睡不著。
“親愛的，”他的老婆問他，“出什麼事了？為什麼今晚睡不著呢？”
“哦，”他說，“明天是交房租的日子，可是我沒錢。”
“你就為這睡不著？”她問道。於是她拿起床邊的電話，給房東打電話。
“我是湯姆太太，”她說，“明天該交房租了，可是我丈夫卻沒有錢交房租。”
她掛斷電話，轉身對她丈夫說：“現在你可以睡了，讓他去煩惱吧。”
14 Applaud
Six women were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Five were blonde, one was a brunette.
As a group, they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn’t happen, the rope would break and everyone would perish.
For an agonizing few moments, no one volunteered.
Finally, the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.
All the blondes applauded.
So...
鼓掌
六個女人正不甚安全地緊緊抓著一根從珠穆朗瑪峰岩石剝落的地表上吊下來的晃來晃去的繩子。五個是金發女人，一個是黑發女人。
她們決定，作為一個團隊，隊伍中有一個人得放手。如果不那樣做的話，繩子就會斷，那麼所有人都會死。
在令人痛苦的時間裏，沒人自願放手。
最後，黑發女人說了一通感人的話，說她願意犧牲自己來救別人的性命。
所有的金發女人熱烈鼓掌。
於是……
15 Franklin Likes Gambling
Franklin likes gambling very much. Once he gambled with his boss, saying,“A mole is on your chest, if you don’t believe it, let’s bet ＄500 on it. ”
The boss said seriously,“Give me your money. ”Saying that, he took off his clothes, as a matter of fact, nothing was on his chest. The boss got the money happily. He told one of his colleagues that he beat Franklin in gambling.
His colleague got angry, saying,“Stop it. He gambled with me, he said he could make you take off your clothes in five minutes. And the price was ＄1,000. ”
富蘭克林喜歡打賭
富蘭克林非常喜歡打賭。一天他跟老板打賭說：“你胸部有一塊胎記。如果你不信，我們就來賭五百美元好了。”
老板嚴肅地說：“準備好給我錢吧。”說著，他脫下了衣服。他胸前確實什麼也沒有。老板高興地收下了錢，然後他告訴他的一個同事說他賭贏了富蘭克林。
他的同事沮喪地說：“你可別提了。他剛才和我打賭，說他能讓你在五分鍾之內把衣服脫下來，賭注是一千美元。”
16 Sneaky Lawyer
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense,“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”
“Well but,”the judge replied,“using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb laid it on the bench, and walked out.
卑鄙的律師
一名律師正為一個被控告犯有入室搶劫罪的男人辯護，他提出了一個非常有創造性的辯護：“我的當事人僅僅隻是把他的胳膊伸進窗戶，然後移動了一些無關緊要的東西而已。他的手臂不等於他自己，我認為你不應該因為他的手犯罪而處罰他整個人。”
“哦，那好吧，”法官回答，“照你的邏輯，我應該判被告的手臂一年的監禁。他可以陪同一起進去或者不進去，他自己選擇。”
被告笑了。在他的律師的幫助下，被告把他的假肢取下來，放在長凳上，然後走出去了。
17 Sell the Dog
An American visiting Scotland met a shepherd with a beautiful sheep dog. The American offered the owner 80 pounds for the dog, but the old man refused.“I couldn’t part with Ian.”he said.
Just then, a man with an English accent walked up and made the same offer. The shepherd agreed, pocketed money and handed over the dog.
The American was very angry.“You told me you wouldn’t sell that dog.”he cried.
“No, no!”said the old man,“I said I couldn’t part with him. England is not that far away and Ian will be back in a couple of days. But he couldn’t swim the Atlantic. ”