1 Millionaire
CEO: My wife made a millionaire out of me.
Assistant: What were you before？
CEO: A multimillionaire.
百萬富翁
首席執行官：我的妻子使我成了一個百萬富翁。
助手：你以前是什麼？
首席執行官：千萬富翁。
2 Bulb
Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb？
A: Three. One curses the darkness, one lights a candle, and one changes the bulb.
燈泡
問：“需要幾個詩人才能換好一個燈泡？”
答：“三個。一個詛咒黑暗，一個點亮蠟燭，一個更換燈泡。”
3 Half Price
Owen: My daughter’s music lessons are a fortune to me.
John: How is that？
Owen: They enabled me to buy the neighbor’s houses at half price.
半價
歐文：我女兒的音樂課對我來說就是一筆財富呀。
約翰：這是為什麼呢？
歐文：因為音樂課讓我們隻用半價就買下了鄰居的房子。
4 Car Repairing
A guy brought his ancient car to the service station for the seventh time in a month.
“We’ve done everything we could.”the mechanic told him,“Now all we can do is offer a brief memorial service for＄60.”
修車
一個人把他的古董車送到了修車店，這個月已是第七次了。
“我們已經竭盡所能了，”修車工對他說，“現在我們隻能進行一場簡短的哀悼儀式，收費六十美元。”
5 Former Wife
In Turkey, a man divorced his wife after a six‐year court battle.
He then turned to a computer service to find the ideal mate, only to discover that from 2, 000 candidates the machine selected his former wife.
前妻
在土耳其，一位男士經過長達六年的訴訟，才和妻子離婚。
之後，他到一家電腦婚介所去尋找理想伴侶，結果發現機器從兩千名候選人中選出的竟然是他的前妻。
6 Who Are Crooks
A newspaper once carried an editorial which stated bluntly that half the city council were crooks.
Under penalty of arrest, the editor issued following retraction: HALF THE CITY COUNCIL AREN’T CROOKS.
誰是騙子
一次，一份報紙刊登了一篇社論，直接指出市議會裏有一半人是騙子。
在被罰拘留後，編輯發表了以下聲明：市議會裏有一半人不是騙子。
7 That Was an Echo
“Good grief, you’ve got the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen!”the dentist exclaimed as he examined a new patient.
“The biggest cavity I’ve ever seen!”
The patient snapped, “You don’t have to repeat it.”
“I didn’t. ”replied the dentist,“That was an echo.”
那是回聲
“天啊，你的牙洞是我見過的最大的牙洞！”牙醫一邊檢查新來的病人，一邊驚叫道。“我見過的最大的牙洞！”
病人脫口說道：“你不必說兩遍。”
“我沒有呀，”牙醫回答說，“那是回聲。”
8 Honest
“If you’re going to work here, young man, ”said the boss,“one thing you must learn is that we are very keen on cleanliness in this firm. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in？”
“Oh, yes, sir.”
“And another thing we are very keen on is truthfulness. There is no mat.”
誠實
“年輕人，如果你要在這裏幹，”老板說，“就必須知道我們公司非常注重整潔。你進來時，在墊子上擦腳了嗎？”
“噢，擦了，先生。”
“而且我們非常注重另一件事，就是誠實。根本沒有墊子。”
9 My Wife Will Exchange Them Tomorrow
A gentleman walks into a store and asked for a pair of gloves.
“Cloth or leather？”asked the salesperson.
“Makes no difference.”replied customer.
“What color？”asked the clerk.
“Any.”he responded.
“Size？”
“Give me whatever you prefer.”the gentleman said, slightly exasperated,“My wife will be back tomorrow to exchange them.”
反正我太太明天會來換的
一位先生走進一家商店要買副手套。
“您是要布的還是皮的？”售貨員問。
“隨便。”這位顧客回答。
“那您要什麼顏色的呢？”售貨員又問。
“什麼顏色都成。”他回答。
“尺碼呢？”
“您就隨便給我拿一副吧，”這位顧客有點不耐煩了，“反正我太太明天會來換的。”
10 The Same Thing
My aunt deals with customer complaints at a retail store.
She and my uncle had had an argument, and to make up he waited in her customer service line. When it was his turn, he whispered in her ear that he’d take her out to dinner that night. Her face lit up, and she gave him a big kiss.
The next man in line stepped up and said,“I’m complaining about the same thing he was.”
同樣的事
我的嬸嬸在一家零售店負責處理顧客投訴。
有一次，叔叔和她吵了一架。為了跟她和解，他就排在顧客投訴的隊伍裏。輪到他時，他湊到她耳邊悄悄說晚上帶她出去吃飯。她笑逐顏開，給了他一個熱吻。
下一個顧客走上前去說：“我想跟他投訴同樣的事。”
11 You Have My Shopping Cart
At the supermarket I noticed an elderly man who seemed to be following me wherever I went. As I moved to each aisle, there he was, smiling at me. Now I was wondering if he was interested in me.
At the dairy counter I was checking out the eggs when I felt a tap on my shoulder. Turning around, I saw that it was the same man.
“Lady, ”he finally said, “You have my shopping cart.”
你用了我的購物車
在超市，我注意到一位上了年紀的男子好像總在跟著我。我每到一個售貨通道，他就跟我到一個售貨通道，麵帶微笑看著我。我開始想他是不是喜歡上了我。
在奶製品櫃台，我正為雞蛋結賬時，有人在我肩上輕輕拍了一下。我轉過身發現還是那個男子。
“女士，”他最後說道，“你用的是我的購物車。”
12 It’s Short of ＄700
Burglars broke into a bank and found a lone teller trying to balance his books.After forcing him to open the vault, they tied and gagged him. Quickly tossing all the cash into a duffel bag, they were about to leave when they heard the teller making noises through his gag.Curious, they loosened it and asked what he was trying to say.
“Take my daily balance sheet, too. ”he gasped,“It’s short of ＄700.”
少了七百美元
盜賊闖進一家銀行，發現就一名出納孤零零正在那裏算賬。強迫出納打開保險庫後，他們把他綁起來，塞上他的嘴，飛快地將錢扔進行李袋。他們正準備離開，突然聽到出納透過嘴裏塞的東西發出了聲音。他們感到好奇，就鬆開了他嘴裏的東西，問他想要說什麼。
“把我每日的資產負債表也拿走吧，”他氣喘籲籲地說，“賬上少了七百美元。”
13 They Are Busy
One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered.
“May I speak to your parents？”
“They’re busy. ”
“Oh. Is anybody else there？”
“The police. ”
“Can I speak to them？”
“They’re busy. ”
“Oh. Is anybody else there？”
“The firemen.”
“Can I speak to them？”
“They’re busy. ”
“So let me get this straight—your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they’re all busy？ What are they doing？”
“Looking for me. ”
他們很忙
電話鈴響了，小男孩接了電話。
“請你父母聽電話好嗎？”
“他們很忙。”
“噢。那家裏還有其他人嗎？”
“還有警察。”
“我可以和他們說話嗎？”
“他們很忙。”
“那還有其他人嗎？”
“還有消防員。”
“我可以和他們說話嗎？”
“他們也很忙。”
“請直接告訴我——你的父母、警察和消防員都在你家，但他們都很忙，他們到底在幹什麼？”
“在找我。”
14 Too Late
A middle‐aged bachelor was in a restaurant at breakfast when he noticed this inscription on the egg,“To whom it may concern: Should this meet the eye of some young man who desire to marry a farmer’s daughter, eighteen years of age, kindly communicate with—”
After reading this, he made haste to write to the girl, offering marriage, and in a few days received a note,“Your letter came too late. I am married now and have four children. ”
太晚了
一個中年單身漢在一家餐館吃早飯，他突然看到雞蛋上寫的一段話：“致有意者：如果本啟事能被哪個年輕人看到並願意娶一個農民的十八歲的女兒，請聯係——”
看到這個，他馬上給女孩寫信，要和她結婚。幾天後，他收到回信：“你的信來得太晚了。我已經結婚，而且有了四個孩子。”
15 Doctor’s Advice
A loquacious wife bounced into the doctor’s office and said, “You must do something for my husband.”
Doctor said,“What’s the matter with him？”
Woman said,“He is all confused, nervous and rundown. He barks at me at the drop of a hat.”
Doctor said,“Your husband must have peace, quiet and plenty of rest. Here are some sleeping pills.”
Woman said,“My husband refuses to take pills of any kind.”
Doctor said,“You don’t understand, Lady. These are for you.”
醫生的建議
一個愛嘮叨的女人闖進醫生的辦公室對醫生說：“你必須救救我丈夫。”
醫生說：“你的丈夫怎麼了？”
女人說：“他總是昏昏沉沉，神情緊張，無精打采，有事沒事就朝我吼叫。”
醫生說：“你的丈夫必須心平氣和，充分休息。給你這些安眠藥。”
女人說：“我的丈夫什麼藥都不吃。”
醫生說：“女士，你理解錯了。這是給你的。”
16 Nonconformist
A man entered a barbershop and said，“I am tired of looking like everyone else! I want a change! Part my hair from ear to ear!”
“Are you sure？”
“Yes.”said the man.
The barber did as he was told, and a satisfied customer left the shop.
Two hours passed and the man reentered the shop.“Put it back the way it was.”he said.
“What’s the matter？”said the barber,“Are you tired of being a nonconformist？”
“No,”he replied,“I’m tired of people whispering in my nose.”
另類分子
一個男子走理一家理發店說：“我討厭和其他人看起來一樣！我想要另類一些！把我的頭發以兩側的耳朵為準線梳成分頭吧！”
“你確定嗎？”
“是的！”那人回答說。
理發師照他的吩咐做了，這名男子滿意地離開了理發店。
兩個小時後，男子又回來了。“把我的頭發恢複原樣。”他說。
“怎麼啦？”理發師說，“你已經厭倦當另類分子了嗎？”
“不是的，”他回答說，“我受不了別人總是對著我的鼻子說悄悄話！”
17 But the Teacher Cried
The six‐year‐old Marcy was terribly spoilt. His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum.
Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother’s loving arms.
When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door.
“Was school all right？”she asked.“Did you get along all right？ Did you cry？”
“Cry？”Marcy asked.“No, I didn’t cry, but the teacher did!”
可是老師哭了
六歲的馬西被寵壞了。他的父親知道這一點，可他的奶奶仍然寵著他。這孩子幾乎寸步不離他的奶奶。當他想得到什麼的時候，不是哭就是鬧。