My wife said I should stop complaining， so I challenged her to sit on the other chair for more than 10 minutes. She couldn’t do it. “It feels like I just had an 10）epidural anesthesia，” she said.
It was hard to believe that something that looked this good could be so uncomfortable.
“Try the pillow，” she suggested， so I did. First I stuck it behind my neck， which pushed my head so far forward my chin was resting on my belly button.
“How do I look？” I said， “Because， man oh man， I feel great！”
“That doesn’t look at all comfortable. Try it behind the small of your back，” she said.
I tried that and I could hear things crack that probably shouldn’t have been cracking.
“You sound like 11）castanets. I think you’re getting old，” she said.
No matter what I tried， I couldn’t get comfortable， so the chairs stayed undisturbed on the lawn as nothing more than good-looking props—except for when it rained or threatened to rain.
We’d be sound asleep and my wife would hear a little rain falling and suddenly bolt out of bed.
“Oh my God—the cushions！” she’d cry. She would then race outside in her pajamas to save them from the rain. Meanwhile， I’d stay in bed， indifferent to the 12）sodden load that would result if they got wet. Honestly， who makes cushions for outdoor furniture and doesn’t make them rainproof？ The cushions and pillows would clutter up the porch until all threat of rain went away.
This simply wasn’t going to work， so Mrs. G found covers that snapped over everything like big lawn-chair shower caps.
Now， the formerly attractive chaise lounges looked like small 13）pop-up camper vans parked side-by-side in the backyard.
“That’s attractive，” I said. “You should take pictures and send them to Pottery Barn. Maybe they can put them in their catalogue. You know， the one they send out to 14）KOA campgrounds.”
To make matters worse， the chairs had to be moved every time I cut the grass. I did this until I noticed that the grass underneath these plastic-covered EasyBake ovens had turned into two perfectly rectangular patches of death. At least that saved me from moving the chairs and mowing under them.