1 A Dead Fly
Mr George: Waiter, there’s a dead fly in my soup.
Waiter: Yes, sir. I know—it’s the heat that kills it.
一隻死蒼蠅
喬治先生：服務員，我的湯裏有一隻死蒼蠅。
服務員：好的，先生，我知道了，它是被燙死的。
2 Bring Me the Winner
“Waiter, this lobster has only one claw. ”
“I’m sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight. ”
“Well, bring me the winner then. ”
給我打贏的那隻吧
“服務員，這個龍蝦隻有一隻爪。”
“對不起，先生，這隻肯定打過架了。”
“哦，那給我打贏的那隻吧。”
3 I’m the Biggest Liar
Stranger: Catch any fish？
Fisherman: Did I! I took forty out of this stream this morning.
Stranger: Know who I am？ rm the game warden.
Fisherman: Know who I am？ I’m the biggest liar in the state.
我是最會說謊的
陌生人：釣到魚了嗎？
釣魚者：當然！一早上我就在這條小溪裏釣到了四十多條魚呢。
陌生人：你知道我是誰嗎？我是這裏的漁獵執行官。
釣魚者：那你知道我是誰嗎？我是全州最會說謊的。
4 If My Mouth Still Holds Water
After the barber had cut, nicked and gashed him, the customer asked for a glass of water. The barber said,“What’s the matter—do you feel faint？”
“No,”said the customer,“I just want to see if my mouth still holds water.”
我的嘴是否還能盛水
一位顧客的頭被理發師劃了一個又大又深的口子，他要了一杯水。
理發師問他：“怎麼回事——你是覺得頭暈嗎？”
“不是，”這位顧客回答，“我隻是想看看我的嘴還能不能盛水（我是否還活著）。”
5 Advice for“Kid”
A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is in their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,“Get the kid. ”
忠告“年輕者”
這裏想對將要退休者提一點忠告。如果你隻有六十五歲的話，千萬別進退休社區。因為那裏人人都七八十歲或者八九十歲了。每當要搬東西、抬東西或者裝東西時，他們就叫喊：“讓年輕的幹吧。”
6 A Man of Few Words
A gentleman entered a busy florist shop that displayed a large sign that read“SAY IT WITH FLOWERS”.
“Wrap up one rose, please.”he told the florist.
“Only one？”the florist asked.
“Yes, just one.”the customer replied.“I’m a man of few words.”
少言寡語的人
有位先生走進一家生意興隆的花店。他看到花店的大廣告牌上寫著：“讓鮮花代替您的語言。”
“請包一支玫瑰。”他對賣花的人說。
“就要一支嗎？”賣花人問。
“對，就一支。”顧客說，“我是個話不多的人。”
7 Wait a Minute
Tom: My grand god, what does a millennium mean to you？
God: It only means a minute.
Tom: My omnipotent god, what do 10,000 golden coins mean to you？
God: Just a small coin.
Tom: My humane god, please give me a small coin.
God: Okay, poor man, please wait a minute.
等一分鍾
湯姆：我偉大的上帝。一千年對你來說，意味著什麼？
上帝：隻意味著一分鍾。
湯姆：我萬能的上帝，一萬枚金幣對你來說，意味著什麼？
上帝：隻意味著一枚小硬幣。
湯姆：我仁慈的上帝，那就請給我一枚小硬幣吧！
上帝：好吧，可憐的人，請等一分鍾吧。
8 Life after Death
“Do you believe in life after death？ ”The boss asked one of his employees.
“Yes, sir. ”the new recruit replied.
“Well, that makes everything just fine. ”the boss went on,“After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you. ”
死而複活
你相信人能死而複活嗎？”老板問他的一個員工。
“我相信，先生。”這位剛上班不久的員工回答。
“哦，那就對了。”老板接著說，“你昨天提前下班去參加你祖母的葬禮後，她老人家到這兒看你來了。”
9 Digging A Tunnel
A convict’s wife asked the prison warden to give her husband an easier job.
“He complained that he’s been feeling exhausted lately.”she explained.
“But he doesn’t do anything all day long.”answered the warden.
“I know, ”replied the woman,“but he told me he spends the nights digging a tunnel.”
挖地道
一名罪犯的妻子要求監獄長給丈夫換一份比較輕鬆的工作。
“他抱怨最近一直筋疲力盡。”她解釋說。
“可他一天到晚什麼也沒幹。”監獄長回答說。
“我知道，”那女人回答說，“但他對我說他夜夜都在挖地道。”
10 Business Is Terrible
A salesman was chatting with the owner of a motel. “Business is terrible. ”said the motel owner,“Really bad.”
“But every time I drive by here you have the no vacancy’s sign on. ”said the salesman.
“That’s true, ”replied the motel owner,“but I used to turn away 20 to 25 people a night. Now, I only turn away 10 to 15.
生意很糟
一個推銷員正在和汽車旅館主人閑聊。“生意太糟了，”旅館老板說，“真是太糟了。”
“但每次我開車經過這裏，你都掛上了‘客滿’的牌子。”推銷員說。
“沒錯。”旅館老板答道，“但過去我一夜就謝絕二十至二十五人。如今，我隻能謝絕十至十五人。”
11 Self‐deprecating
Vacationing in Hawaii, my husband and I went out to dinner one night at one of its finest restaurants. When presented with the check, my husband reached into his pocket for his wallet, but somehow lost his balance and fell over.
As the people at the next table looked on in astonishment, he said,“The food was delicious—but wait till you get your bill!”
自嘲
在夏威夷度假時，一天晚上，我和丈夫去一家最好的飯店吃飯。當侍者拿來賬單結賬時，我的丈夫把手伸進口袋掏錢包。但不知怎的，他失去平衡，仰麵摔倒。
鄰桌的人還在驚訝地觀望時，他說：“飯菜味道鮮美，但也要等結了賬再傾倒呀！”
12 Haven’t Done
A mother and her daughter walked through gallery that was showing paintings by the son of an old family friend. The mother stopped in front of a painting of a nude woman whose face bore a striking resemblance to her daughter’s.
“I trust you haven’t taken to posing in the nude. ”the mother said.
“Oh, no. ”the daughter replied,“He painted that from memory. ”
沒有做過
母女倆穿過畫廊，畫廊裏展覽的是她們家一位老朋友的兒子的繪畫作品。那位母親在一幅裸女畫前停下來，畫上的女人和她女兒的相貌驚人相似。
“我相信你沒做過裸體模特。”那位母親說。
“噢，沒有，”女兒回答說，“他是憑記憶畫的。”
13 I Wasn’t Asleep
When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said,“Wake up, sir!”
“I wasn’t asleep. ”the man answered.
“Not asleep？ But you had your eyes closed. ”
“I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car. ”
我沒有睡著
當一群婦女上車之後，車上的座位全都被占滿了。售票員注意到一名男子好像是睡著了，他擔心這個人會坐過站，就用肘輕輕地碰了碰他，說：“先生，醒醒。”
“我沒有睡著。”那個男人回答。
“沒睡著？可是你眼睛都閉上了呀？”
“我知道，我隻是不願意看到在擁擠的車上有女士站在我身邊而已。”
14 Sell Paintings
Preparing for a garage sale, I came across some of my paintings and put them on display.
One of my paintings was bought by a man who seemed pleased when I told him I was the artist. I was thrilled that my work was sold.
Later a woman selected two others. I was about to tell her that they were my works when I asked,“What made you select those two？”
“Oh,”she replied,“I’m only buying them for the frames.”
賣畫
在準備舊貨出售時，我無意間發現我過去的一些畫，便擺了出來。
有個人買了一幅，當我告訴他我就是畫的作者時，他似乎非常高興。我對賣出作品也很激動。
後來又有一位婦女選了兩幅。我正準備告訴她這些是我的作品時，先問了她一句：“你為什麼選那兩幅？”
“噢，”她答到，“我隻是喜歡這兩個畫框。”
15 That’s My Son
It’s every airplane passenger’s nightmare—getting stuck near a crying baby. I was manning the ticket counter at a busy airport when the sound of a crying infant filled the air.As the next passenger stepped up to the desk, he glanced at the tot and rolled his eyes.“Don’t worry.”I said to him cheerily.
“Chances are that baby won’t be on your flight.”Head shaking, he grimly replied,“Oh, I bet he will. That’s my son.”