1 Marry Penguin
A bachelor asked the computer to find him the perfect mate.“I want a companion who is small and cute, loves water sports and enjoys group activities. ”
Back came the answer,“Marry penguin. ”
娶企鵝
一個單身漢想在電腦上找一個完美伴侶。“我要找一個嬌小可愛、喜歡水上運動和集體活動的伴侶。”
回答是：“娶企鵝。”
2 Reason
The couple I know were discussing their wallpaper, which had just been hung. William was annoyed at Mary’s indifference to what he felt was a poor job.“The problem is that I’m a perfectionist and you’re not. ”he finally said to her.
“Exactly! ”she replied,“That’s why you married me and I married you! ”
原因
我認識的一對夫妻正在討論剛剛掛上的壁紙。威廉覺得壁紙掛得不好，瑪麗卻漠不關心，威爾對此感到氣惱。“問題就是我是個完美主義者，而你不是。”他最後對她說。
“說得對！”她答道，“這就是你娶了我，我嫁給你的原因！”
3 I Don’t Know Her
A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.
“Why don’t you do that？ ”said the wife.
“Honey, ”replied her husband,“I don’t even know that woman! ”
我還不認識她呢
一對夫婦在公園裏散步，發現一對年輕的男女坐在一條長凳上，動情地接吻。
“你為什麼不那麼做呢？”妻子說。
“親愛的，”丈夫回答說，“我還不認識那個女人呢！”
4 My Husband
She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds.
“Who was it？ ”he asked.
“My husband. ”she replied.
“I better be going. ”he said,“Where was he？ ”
“Relax. He’s downtown playing poker with you. ”
我丈夫
電話鈴響時，她留他一個人坐在沙發上，不一會兒又回到了他身邊。
“是誰？”他問。
“我的丈夫。”她答道。
“我最好還是走吧。”他說，“他在哪裏？”
“放鬆，他正在鬧市區和你打撲克呢。”
5 The Poor Husband
“You can’t imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife. ”the man complained to his friend,“She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explains to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong. ”
可憐的丈夫
“你根本無法想象和我妻子打交道有多麼難。”一個男人對他的朋友訴苦說，“她問我一個問題，然後自己回答了，過後又花半小時跟我解釋為什麼我的答案是錯的。”
6 You’ve Already Heard It
Arriving at home, I was about to show my husband my newly done hair. Hearing my footsteps, he called out,“I’m going to tell you a joke that’s going to make your hair curl. ”
He turned around, took a look at me and added,“Oh, you’ve already heard it. ”
你已經聽過了
回到家，我打算給丈夫看我新做的頭發。聽到我的腳步聲，丈夫喊道：“給你講個笑話，它會讓你笑得頭發卷起來。”
他轉過身，看了我一眼，補充道：“哦，原來你已經聽過了。”
7 Send for the Fire Brigade
One’s wife could not read the thermometer, but she took her husband’s temperature with it and gave a call to the doctor,“Dear doctor, please come at once. My husband’s temperature is 53. ”
The doctor replied,“Dear madam, I can do nothing. Send for the fire brigade. ”
叫消防隊
一個人的妻子不會看體溫計。她用體溫計給丈夫量過體溫後，給醫生打了個電話：“尊敬的醫生，請馬上來吧。我丈夫的體溫到了五十三度。”
醫生回答說：“親愛的夫人，我無能為力，快去叫消防隊吧。”
8 Who Is This Speaking
She answered the phone to hear a repentant voice.“I’m sorry, darling, ”he said,“I have thought things over and you can have the Rolls‐Royce as a wedding present, we will move to the Gold Coast, and your mother can stay with us. Now will you marry me？ ”
“Of course I will. ”she said,“And who is this speaking？ ”
你是誰
她接電話時聽到一個懺悔的聲音說：“對不起，親愛的，我已經想過了，你可以擁有勞斯萊斯作為結婚禮物，我們將搬到黃金海岸，你母親可以和我們一塊兒住。現在你願意嫁給我嗎？”
“我當然願意，”她說，“可你是誰呀？”
9 Want Her to Go Nuts
Mrs. Henry decided to have her portrait painted.She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant.”
“But you’re not wearing any of those things.”
“I know,”said Mrs. Henry,“It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he’d remarry right away, and I want her to go nuts looking for the jewelry.”
我要讓她發瘋
亨利夫人想讓人給她畫幅肖像畫。她告訴那位畫家說：“把我畫成戴著鑽石耳環、鑽石項鏈、祖母綠手鐲還有紅寶石垂飾的樣子。”
“可這些東西您一樣也沒戴啊。”
“我知道，”亨利夫人說，“我是想著萬一我比我丈夫先死去，他肯定會很快再婚。我要讓那個女人為尋找這些珠寶而發瘋。”
10 Domestic Thief
“Well, my dear,”he said, as he was dressing,“I suppose you were right when you told me last night that there was a burglar in the house. ”
“Why？”
“Because all the money that was in my pockets when I went to bed is gone. ”
“Well, if you’d been brave and got up to shoot the wretch, you’d have had your money this morning. ”
“Possibly, but then I would have been a widower.”
She gave him back half the money.
家賊
“哦，親愛的，”男人穿衣服的時候說，“我想你昨晚告訴我說屋裏有個賊是對的。”
“為什麼？”
“因為我昨天上床睡覺的時候還在我口袋裏的錢現在全都不見了。”
“呃，如果你勇敢點並且起來向那個卑鄙的人開槍的話，你今天早上就能拿回你的錢。”
“也許吧，但是我就會成為一名鰥夫了。”
她把一半的錢還給了他。
11 It Was Too Late
Although I had never met him, I knew that my grandfather had been five feet and five inches tall, while my stately grandmother stood five feet and eleven inches. As a teenager leafing through old photographs with grandma, I finally realized how unusual they must have looked together.
“Grandma,”I asked,“how could you have fallen in love with a man six inches shorter than you？”
She turned to me.“Honey,” she said,“we fell in love sitting down, and when I stood up, it was late.”
為時已晚
盡管我未見過祖父，不過我知道他身高隻有五英尺五英寸，而我高貴典雅的祖母身高卻有五英尺十一英寸。我十幾歲的時候，和祖母一起翻看著老照片，我覺得他們在一起看起來很別扭。
“奶奶，”我問道，“你怎麼會愛上一個比你矮六英寸的人呢？”
她轉向我說道：“寶貝，我們相愛的時候是坐著的，而當我站起來的時候，已經晚了。”
12 Questions and Answer
1. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first？ The dog of course, at least he’ll shut up after you let him in!
2. What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband？
About 20 pounds.
3. How do most men define marriage？
A very expensive way to get your laundry done.
4. What’s the difference between marriage and death？
Dead people are free.
巧問妙答
1. 如果你的狗正在後門叫，而你妻子正在前門吵，你先給誰開門？
當然先給狗開門，至少你讓它進來後，它就閉嘴了。
2. 男朋友和丈夫有什麼差別？
大概相差二十磅。
3. 大多數男人怎麼定義婚姻？
一種價格昂貴的洗衣方法。
4. 婚姻和死亡有什麼差別？
死人是自由的。
13 You Look Like An Old Gentleman
I think women’s role will always be accentuated if they adorn life with their beautiful hairdos.
“I no longer look like an old lady.”said Sophia to her husband now busy solving a cross‐word puzzle by the fire.
She had just been to her hairdresser and looked quite a different person.
The fellow lifted his head and muttered under his breath：
“That’s quite time, darling. You don’t look like an old lady at all. ”
“And what do I look like？”insisted the lady blushing prettily.
“You look like an old gentleman. ”
你看起來像個老紳士
我認為女性如果用漂亮的發型來裝點生活，她們的性別會更突出。
“我看起來不再像個老太太了。”索菲亞對她正在火爐前玩填字遊戲的丈夫說。
她剛去過美發店，現在看起來完全像變了一個人。
那個老家夥抬起頭嘟囔著說：
“一點兒不錯，親愛的，你看起來一點都不像個老婦人。”
“那我看起來像什麼呢？”這位女士害羞地問道。
“你看起來像個老紳士。”
14 Notes
A friend was going into hospital for an operation so she spent the morning writing short notes which she left round the house for her husband to find. One note on the kitchen door said,“Eat three times a day.”Another note on the bedside table wished him pleasant dreams.A third note on the side of the bath read,“Please clean me after use.”Every room had a message of some sort but the funniest of all was pinned to his best suit in the wardrobe. It said,“ Just where do you think you’re going tonight to need this？”
便條
一個朋友打算去醫院做手術，於是她花了一早上的時間寫了些便條，並把它們放在了家裏的各個地方，以便她的丈夫可以找到。在廚房的門上有一張便條寫道：“一天吃三頓飯。”
床頭桌子旁的便條是希望他做好夢。
浴缸旁的便條寫著：“用完後將我洗幹淨。”每個房間都有各種提示，而最有意思的是，衣櫥裏，她丈夫最好的那身衣服上貼著的便條寫道：“今晚你需要穿它去什麼地方？”
15 Who’s in Heaven
An olderly gentleman had passed away. His grief‐stricken widow missed him so much that she could not sleep a wink for days.
On one sleepless night, she heard a voice and immediately inquired,“Is that you, dear？”
“Yes, it’s me.”
“How are you doing？”
“I’m fine.”
The concerned wife inquired further,“Are you happy now？”
“Yes, I’m happy now.”
“Are you happier now than when you were with me？”
“Yes, much happier.”
Assuming that her husband was enjoying the heavenly bliss, with curiosity in her voice, the lady asked,“Tell me dear, what’s heaven like？”
“Who’s in heaven？”
誰在天堂
一位老人去世了，他妻子很想念他，傷心不已，夜不能寐。
又是一個不眠之夜，妻子聽到有什麼聲音，便立即問道：“是你嗎，親愛的？”
“是的，是我。”
“你現在過得好嗎？”
“我過得很好。”
妻子又關切地問道：“你現在幸福嗎？”
“嗯，挺幸福的。”
“比我們在一起時還幸福嗎？”
“是的，幸福多了。”
得知丈夫在天堂很快樂，妻子又好奇地問道：
“親愛的，跟我說說，天堂什麼樣啊？”
“誰在天堂啊？”
16 Flatterer
Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the way.
Mabel, a friend of mine, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the“miracle”
products, she asks her husband,“Darling, honestly, if you didn’t know me, what age would you say I am？”
Looking over her carefully, he replied,“Judging from your skin, twenty；your hair, eighteen；and your body, twenty five. ”
“Oh, you flatterer！”She gushed. Just as she was about to tell him his reward, he stops her saying.
“Wow, hold on there sweety!”he interrupted,“I haven’t added them up yet!”
馬屁精
有些人優雅地變老，還有一些人為變老而掙紮、抓狂。