第三章
貓與嬰兒
貓優於嬰兒的十大理由：
十、夜裏也會有獸醫看病。
九、你的貓咪不會在你看電影的時候大哭而打攪整個劇院。你更不用總把它帶在身邊。
就算你把它放在家裏，也不用考慮今晚能不能找到保姆來看它。
八、你的貓咪那些既可愛又昂貴的衣服不會穿三個月就穿不了了。
七、即使你的貓咪一個月沒有洗澡，它看上去還是那麼可愛。
六、你也不用為了計劃你貓咪上學的學費問題而整晚睡不著覺。
五、不會有人因為你不願意母乳喂養你的貓咪而指責你。
四、也不會有人因為你撫摸你的貓咪而控告你虐待或是性騷擾。
三、沒人會問你它的父親到底是誰。
二、當有人聽說你有了一隻小貓時，也不會問你是否還能夠正常的工作。最重要的一個
原因是：每天你隻要換一次貓窩就可以了。
Two Birds
Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, and the other is sparrow. Now
who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tells us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.
兩隻鳥
老師： 這兒有兩隻鳥，其中一隻是燕子，另一隻是麻雀。誰告訴大家哪隻是燕子，哪
隻是麻雀嗎？
學生：我指不出，但我知道答案。
老師：那就請告訴大家吧。
學生：燕子旁邊的就是麻雀，麻雀旁邊的就是燕子。
Not an accusation, just evidence
A bishop invites a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the priest can’t help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper is. Over the course of the evening he starts to wonder if there’s more between the bishop and the housekeeper than meets the eye. Reading the young priest’s thoughts, the bishop volunteers, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional.”
About a week later the housekeeper comes to the bishop and says, “Excellency, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose he took it, do you?”
The bishop says, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write him a letter just to be sure.” So he sits down and writes: “Dear Father, I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”
Several days later the bishop receives a letter from the young priest, which reads: “Your Excellency, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with your housekeeper, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now.”
並非指控，隻是有些證據
一個主教邀請一個年輕的牧師到家裏吃頓飯。在吃飯的時候那個牧師不由自主的注意到主教家的女管家是那麼的有吸引力，身材是那麼好。吃過晚飯後他還是懷疑主教和那個女管家是否還有什麼別的關係。看出了年輕牧師的想法，主教主動解釋說：“我知道你在想什麼，但是我向你保證，我和我女管家的關係是純粹的工作關係。
一周以後，女管家對主教說：“閣下，自從那個年輕牧師來吃飯以後，一個漂亮的湯勺就找不到了。你不會認為是他拿的吧？”主教說：“我懷疑是，我會給他寫封信確認一下的。”然後他坐下開始寫到：“親愛的牧師，我不是說你從我家拿了一個湯勺，也不是說你沒有拿。但事實上自從你到我家來吃飯，它就找不到了。”
幾天後，主教收到一封那年輕牧師的回信，是這樣寫的：“閣下，我不是說你和你的女管家睡過覺，但我也不是說你沒有過。事實上，如果你睡在自己的床上，現在早就找到那個勺了。”
Buy a boat
A young man was looking for a second hand boat to buy, when he hit on a great idea…
At his sailing club there was a large trailer park and a smaller yard where the management put trailers and boats if the owner didn’t pay their membership for 12 months. The club is very big and at the time there were three or four boats that judging from their condition hadn’t been sailed for at least a year.
He took down the numbers of these boats and asked the club secretary for the owners address so that he could make them an offer. The first chap he rang said he wasn’t interested in selling as he was going to sail it himself “one of these days.”
He then rang the second owner who lived about 100 miles away. A woman answered the phone and confirmed that they did still own the Boat. He explained that he had seen it in the defaulters yard and that as it clearly hadn’t been sailed for a year - did she think her husband would be interested in selling?
“Oh, no.” she said, “There must be some mistake - come rain or shine my husband spends one weekend a month in London sailing…”
買 船
一個年輕人正打算買一艘二手船。他突然有個好主意：在他的航行俱樂部裏有個大的拖車停車場，管理人員把十二個月沒有交會費的船主的船放在那裏。由於俱樂部很大，所以那裏有三四艘船從表麵看至少有一年沒有出海了。
他記下船號然後向俱樂部的秘書要來了船主的地址以便向他們詢問。他打電話給第一個家夥，那家夥並不想賣掉，說他就這幾天會用上那船。然後他打給了第二個住在一百多英裏以外的船主。一個女士接了電話並確認那船確實屬於他的丈夫。這個年輕人解釋說很明顯那船已經有一年停在院子裏沒有出海了，想知道她的丈夫是否感興趣把它賣掉。
“不可能”，她說，“一定是搞錯了。我丈夫每月有一周要去倫敦開船出海，風雨無阻……”
Sick Chelsea
Chelsea wasn’t feeling well at her private school. She went to the infirmary to get some aspirin. The nurse discovered that nobody had ever signed a parental consent form to authorize the school to dispense medicine to the First Kid.
The nurse told Chelsea that they needed to contact one of her parents for permission to give her aspirin. Chelsea told her, “Oh, please call Daddy. Mom’s far too busy.”
生病的切爾西
切爾西在學校感到身體不舒服。她去醫務室要一些阿司匹林。可護士發現沒有家長授權學校不可以給總統的女兒開藥。所以她告訴切爾西在給她阿司匹林之前必須經過她的家長的同意。切爾西說：“哦，請你給我爸爸打電話，我媽媽比他可要忙得多。”
（注：切爾西是美國前任總統克林頓的女兒。The first kid 是指總統的孩子，相同道理的還有 The first lady “第一夫人”是總統的妻子。）
Classic tale retold
Six wise, blind elephants were discussing what humans were like. Failing to agree, they decided to determine what humans were like by direct experience. The first wise, blind elephant felt the human, and declared, “Humans are flat.” The other wise, blind elephants, after similarly feeling the human, agreed.
盲象摸人
六隻聰明的盲象正討論人類到底是什麼樣子。由於無法達成共識，他們就決定憑直觀經驗來判斷人類是什麼樣子的。第一個聰明的盲象感覺過後說：“人類是平的。”其它的盲象在經過相似的感覺過後同意了這種說法。
A conversation between two lawyers
Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case.
“Look,” said one to the other, “let’s be honest with each other.”
“Okay, you first,” replied the other.
That was the end of the discussion.
兩個律師間的對話
兩個律師邊走邊討論一個案子。
“這樣吧，”一個律師說，“讓我們彼此都誠實些好嗎。”
“好呀，那你先來”,另一個回答。
這段討論於是就此結束。
Jesus on the cross
Jesus, hanging on the cross, says, “Peter, come here.” Peter, thinking he is about to receive a profound religious truth, tries goes to Jesus but Roman soldiers push him back. Again Jesus summons, “Peter, come here.” Peter tries to, but Roman soldiers again push him away. Jesus summons a third time, “Peter, come here.” Peter gathers all of his strength and finally breaks through. Bleeding from several lance wounds, Peter says, “Yes, Master?” Jesus looks upon Peter and says, “I can see your house from here!”
十字架上的耶穌
被綁在十字架上的耶穌說：“彼得，到這兒來。”彼得認為耶穌將要告訴他一個意義深遠的宗教真理，他向耶穌走去，但羅馬士兵把他推了回來。耶穌又一次召喚：“彼得，到這兒來。” 彼得再次被羅馬士兵推回來。耶穌第三次召喚：“彼得，到這兒來。”彼得用盡全身的力量衝了過去。身上多處傷口帶血的彼得說：“大師，怎麼了？”耶穌看著彼得說：“從這裏我可以看見你的房子！”
Anything for You
I had an argument with my girlfriend, Helen. After storming away, and cooling off, I had a think. I was clearly in the wrong and felt pretty guilty, with the entire trauma it had caused. So to make it up to Helen, I said I’d buy her a gift.
“Any thing at all, my love.” I said, overcome with remorse.
“Oh, I don’t know,” replied Helen, “You really shouldn’t do this you know. But, if you are, just get me something really expensive, that I don’t need.”
The following day I booked her in for psychiatry.
一切為你
我和我的女朋友海倫吵了一架。在一場暴風雨過後我冷靜的想了想，很顯然是我錯了。我對因此所引起的傷害感到很內疚。所以我決定給海倫買個禮物來做補償。
“親愛的，什麼東西都可以。”我說，心裏充滿了悔意。
“哦，我也不知道要什麼”，她說，“你真的不必這麼做。但如果你想的話，那就買個非常貴而且我用不上的東西給我吧。”第二天我為她報名參加精神病治療。
How to get rid of unwanted phone calls
I was just stepping into the shower this morning when my wife handed me the phone, telling me it was someone from a long distance company. I was eager to get into the shower; my conversation went like this:
Me: Hello?
Him: Hello, sir. I’m from
Me: If I told you that I was very happy with my current carrier, would that preclude any further conversation?
Him: Actually, no, sir. I have to hear a certain number of ‘no’s’ before I let you go.
Me: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Him: Have a nice day, sir.
怎樣擺脫不想接的電話
那天早上我正準備洗澡的時候，我妻子遞給我電話說是長途電話公司打來的。我很想去洗澡，所以我們的對話如下：
我：你好？
他：你好先生。我是專業長途電話公司的。你想讓你的長途電話省錢嗎？
我：如果我告訴你我對我現在的長途電話公司很滿意，我們能馬上結束通話嗎？
他：事實上不成，先生。在結束通話之前我必須聽到多個“不”才可以。
我：不，不，不，不，不，不，不。
他：祝你一天愉快，先生。（掛斷）
American car
What do you call the owner of an American-made car?
A pedestrian.
美國車
你怎麼稱呼開美國車的人？
步行者。
Seeing Eye Chihuahua
Man with a German shepherd dog goes into a bar and sits down at the counter. Bartender says, “You can’t bring that dog in here!” Man says, “But this is a Seeing Eye dog!” Bartender says, “Well, OK, then I guess it can stay.” After a while, the man and the German shepherd get up to leave. As they’re going out the door, another man with a Chihuahua is coming in. First man says, “The bartender won’t like you bringing that dog in here, but just tell him it’s a Seeing Eye dog and then it’ll be OK.” Second man looks dubiously at his tiny Chihuahua, thinks a few seconds, then thanks the first man and goes on in. Bartender says, “Hey! You can’t bring that Chihuahua in here!” Man stares straight ahead and exclaims “What! They sold me a Chihuahua?!”
導盲吉娃娃
一個牽著一隻德國牧羊犬的男人走進酒吧然後坐在了角落裏。酒吧招待說：“你不能把狗帶進來！”那男人說：“但這是一隻導盲犬！”酒吧招待說：“要是那樣的話我想你可以。”過了一會，牽德國牧羊犬的男人準備走了。當他剛出門的時候，另一個牽著一隻吉娃娃的男人走了進來。第一個男人說：“酒吧招待不讓狗進去，但你可以告訴他這是一隻導盲犬，那樣就可以。”第二個男人疑惑的看著他的吉娃娃，想了一下說了聲謝謝然後走了進去。酒吧招待說：“嘿，你不能把那隻吉娃娃帶進這裏！”那男人直愣愣地假裝看著前麵大聲說：“什麼！他們賣給我一隻吉娃娃？！”
(注：吉娃娃是一種墨西哥小型犬。)
Memory trouble
Seems that an old couple are having trouble remembering things, so they sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful; they come home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it. Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the garden.
Neighbor: Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you liked so much?
Ed: Well, it was…hmmm…let me think a minute… What’s the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems…?
Neighbor: You mean a rose?
Ed: Yeah, that’s it…(shouting toward house) Hey, Rose, what was the memory course instructor’s name?
記性差
一對老年夫妻的記性不太好，所以他們參加了一個提高記憶培訓班。他們回到家裏告訴所有的親戚朋友和鄰居那個培訓班非常好。過了幾個月，一個鄰居找到正在整理花園的這個男人。
鄰居：對了，艾德，你非常喜歡的提高記憶培訓班的老師叫什麼名字？
艾德：哦，等會兒，讓我想想，有一種花，你知道，聞起來味道很香，但是在莖上有刺的叫什麼名字？
鄰居：你說的是rose？
艾德：對，就是Rose。（衝著屋裏喊）嘿，Rose，那個提高記憶培訓班的老師叫什麼名字？
Snappy dresser
A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband’s funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, “Wouldn’t it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he’s wearing?”
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.
When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. He says, “Actually, it didn’t cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So… I switched the heads.”
爽快的化妝師
一個女人走進殯儀館為她丈夫的葬禮做準備。她告訴化妝師想讓她的丈夫在入殯前穿一身深藍色的西裝。
他問：“難道他正穿著的黑色西裝不行嗎？這也簡單些。”
但是她執意要他丈夫穿一身深藍色西裝並給了化妝師一張空白支票。
當她回來為丈夫守夜時，她看到他的丈夫穿著一身深藍色西裝躺在棺材裏。她告訴化妝師她喜歡這身西裝，然後問他花了多少錢。化妝師說：“事實上，沒有花一分錢。有趣的是，當你剛離開的時候，另一個身穿深藍色西裝的屍體運了進來。我注意到他和你丈夫的身材差不多，然後我就問了他的妻子是否建議讓她的丈夫穿一身黑色西裝入殯。她說無所謂。所以我就把他們兩個的頭換了一下。
Painting the moon red
[Scene: The White House]
Presidential Aide - Mr. Reagan! Mr. Reagan Sir!!! The Russians have just landed on the Moon! And they’ve started to paint it red! What shall we do?
Ronnie - Come back when they’ve finished, son.
P.A. [later] - Mr. Reagan Sir. The Russians have painted a quarter of the moon red! Ronnie - Don’t worry about it, son. Tell me when they’ve finished.
P.A. [still later] - Mr. Reagan Sir. The Russians have now painted half the moon red! Aren’t you going to do anything?
Ronnie - Nope, not yet.
P.A. [still later and even more anxious] - Mr. Reagan Sir. The Russians have now painted THREE-QUARTERS of the moon red! Can we bomb them, Sir? Please, Sir?
Ronnie - [as before]
P.A. - Mr. Reagan. They’ve painted the WHOLE moon red!
Ronnie - OK. Now call NASA, and tell them to get a rocket up there, with plenty of white paint, and paint “Coca-Cola” across it.
月球染紅了
場景：美國白宮
總統助手：裏根先生，裏根先生！俄國人剛剛在月球登陸。他們開始把月球塗成了紅色。我們怎麼辦？
裏根：等他們塗完了來告訴我，孩子。
過了一會兒。
助手：裏根先生。俄國人已經塗紅了四分之一了！
裏根：不要擔心，孩子。等他們塗完了告訴我。
又過了一會兒。
助手：裏根先生。俄國人現在已經塗紅了一半了！難道你什麼都不做嗎？
裏根：不，還不到時候。
焦急的助手：裏根先生。俄國人現在已經塗紅了四分之三了！我們不轟炸他們嗎？快點吧，先生。
裏根還是像剛才一樣。
助手：裏根先生。他們已經把月球全塗紅了！
裏根：好了，給NASA打電話，告訴他們發火箭上去,帶上白色顏料。在月球上塗上‘可口可樂’。”
(注：NASA是美國國家航空和宇宙航行局的簡稱。National Aeronautics and Space Administration）
The Biggest in the World
Peter dozed off while his teacher was talking.
Teacher: Peter! Tell us, what’s the biggest in the world?
Peter: Well, well… eyelids…
Teacher: What? Eyelids?
Peter: Yes, sir. Because as soon as I shut my eyes, the eyelids cover everything
of the world.
世界上最大的
老師正在講課，彼得打起瞌睡來了。
老師：彼得！你說說，世界上什麼最大？
彼得：這，這……眼皮……
老師：什麼？眼皮？
彼得：是的，老師，因為我眼睛一閉，眼皮就把世界上的一切東西都遮住了。
A little difference between two testing
The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air- craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn’t break, it’s likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight.