第一章
Is Russian Hard to Learn?
An old woman was sitting in a park in Moscow reading a “Teach Yourself Hebrew” book. A policeman notices her and decides to start to give her a hard time.
“What are you reading that for?” he shouts at her.
She replies, “I am old, and I will die soon. I want to be prepared; so I am studying the language of heaven.”
The cop says, “Well, how do know that it’s heaven that you are going to?”
The old women answers, “Well, honestly I don’t, but that’s okay. I had already learned to speak Russian.”
俄語難學嗎？
一個老太太坐在莫斯科公園裏讀著一本書“自學希伯來語”。一個警察看見了她，於是
決定給她找些麻煩。
“你為什麼看這本書？”他大聲向她喊。
她回答說：“我很老了，我很快就會死去。我想做些準備。所以我在學習天堂的語言。”
警察說：“那麼你怎麼知道你一定會進天堂呢？”
老太太回答說：“說老實話，我也不確定，但是沒關係。我已經會說俄語了。”
Sales Technique
“I haven’t sold one tractor all month,” a tractor salesman tells his friend.
“That’s nothing compared to my problem,” his buddy replies. “I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters. I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg up to the rafters. Then my wife comes walking in and I’ll tell you, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, I’ll buy a tractor off you.”
銷售技巧
“我這個月一輛拖拉機也沒賣出去。”一個拖拉機銷售員對他的朋友說。
“跟我的麻煩比起來這不算什麼，”他的哥們兒說，“我給母牛擠奶的時候它的尾巴抽到了我的腦門，所以我用繩子把它的尾巴綁在了柱子上。然後我再去擠奶時它用右後腿踢我的頭，所以我拿了些繩子把它的右腿綁在了柱子上。我再一次回去擠奶時它又用左後腿踢我頭，於是我把它另一條後腿也綁了起來。如果你能讓我那正好走過來的妻子相信我那是在給牛擠奶的話，我就買你一輛拖拉機。”
A Giant Tortoise
A well-known scientist once gave a public lecture on astronomy. He described how the earth orbits around the sun and how the sun, in turn, orbits around the center of a vast collection of stars called our galaxy. At the end of the lecture, a little old lady at the back of the room got up and said: “What you have told us is rubbish. The world is really a flat plate supported on the back of a giant tortoise.”
The scientist gave a superior smile before replying, “What is the tortoise standing on?”
“You’re very clever, young man, very clever,” said the old lady. “But it’s turtles all the way down!”
一隻巨型龜
一次，一位著名的科學家為公眾進行關於天文學的演講。他形容了地球的軌道是圍繞太陽的，而且太陽的軌道的中心是無數顆星星組成的星群，被稱為銀河。在演講接近尾聲的時候，一個在屋子後麵的小個子老太太站起來說：“你剛才是一派胡言。世界實際上是由一個巨型的龜支撐的平地。”
那個科學家高傲的的一笑然後問：“那麼那個龜又站在哪呢？”
“你真的很聰明，年輕人”，老太太說：“但它是一隻海龜！”
Lawyer’s Age
A lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, “We’ve been waiting a long time for you.”
“What do you mean,” he replied, “I’m only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?”
“45? You’re not 45, you’re 82,” replied the angel.
“Wait a minute. If you think I’m 82 then you have the wrong guy. I’m only 45. I can show you my birth certificate.”
“Hold on. Let me go check,” said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. “Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82…”
律師的年齡
一個律師在他四十五歲的時候突然的死亡了。他走到天堂門口的時候看到了一個天使對他說：“我們已經等了你很久了。”
“你是什麼意思”，律師回答，“我隻有四十五歲，正是我生命中黃金時刻。為什麼我現在就要死？”
“四十五？你不是四十五，你是八十二。”天使回答。
“等一下，如果你認為我是八十二，那麼你們就找錯人了。我隻有四十五。我可以給你看我的出生證明。”
“等一下，讓我去查一查，”天使說完就消失了。過了幾分鍾天使回來了。“對不起，根據我們的記錄你就是八十二歲。我查了你給你客戶報的工作時間，你就應該是八十二……”
(注：律師通常是以為客戶工作的時間收費，所以律師所提供的工作時間越長，收入就越多。)
The Last Bet
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Las Vegas. She’s down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, “What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?” A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, “I don’t know… why don’t you play your age?”
He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
The man is stunned. He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?” The operator replies, “I don’t know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!”
孤注一擲
一個女士在拉斯維加斯的輪盤賭桌邊渡過了糟糕的一天。她身上就剩最後五十美元了。氣急敗壞的她自言自語道：“真背！我到底現在該怎麼辦呀？”一個站在她邊上的男人聽到後試著開導她，建議道：“我也不知道……你為什麼不試試壓你的年齡呢？”
那個男人走開了。過了一會，他的注意力被剛才那張輪盤賭桌邊的騷動吸引了過去。也許是她贏了！他衝過去，推開圍觀的人群看到那個女士昏躺在地上，賭桌服務員跪在她麵前。
那個男人傻了。他問道：“出什麼事了？她沒事吧？”服務員回答說：“我不知道。她把所有的錢都壓在了二十九上，當開出三十六時她就暈倒了。”
Cannot Show in the Window
A tourist in a strange town notices that her watch is broken. She starts looking for a repair shop. After a long and frustrating search she finds herself in an area where many shop signs are in Hebrew. Finally, she notices that one of the stores has all kinds of clocks and watches ticking merrily in the window. She walks into the shop and puts her watch on the counter in front of the proprietor.
Tourist: “Would you please repair this watch.”
Proprietor: “Madam, I cannot repair your watch.”
T: “But why not? It is an ordinary model.”
P: “Madam, I do not repair watches. I am a doctor, I perform hemorrhoids.”
T (irritated): “Then why on earth do you have all these clocks in your window?”
P: “Well, and what should I have in my window?”
T：……
櫥窗裏可展示不了
一個遊客在一個陌生的小鎮裏發現她的表壞了。她想找個修表店。過了很長時間她發現她所在的小鎮的店鋪的招牌都是用希伯來語寫的。最後，她注意到一個商店的櫥窗裏有各式各樣的鍾和表滴滴答答走著。她走了進去然後把她的表拿出來放在店主麵前的櫃台上。
遊客：“請你幫我修修這塊表。”
店主：“女士，我修不了你的表。”
遊客：“為什麼？這是最普通的樣式了。”
店主：“女士，我不是修表的。我是一個醫生，我是做痔瘡手術的。”
忿怒的遊客：“那你在櫥窗裏掛那些表到底是為什麼？”
店主：“那麼你說我該在櫥窗裏掛什麼？”
遊客：……
Letter or Message
Ali, who was working a long way from home, wanted to send a letter to his wife, but he could neither read nor write, and he had to work all day, so he could only look for somebody to write his letter late at night. At last he found the house of a letter-writer whose name was Martin.
Martin was already in bed. “It is late,” he said. “ What do you want? ” “I want you to write a letter to my wife,” said Ali. Martin was not pleased. He thought for a few seconds and then said, “Has the letter got to go far?”
“What does that matter?” answered Ali.
“Well, my writing is so strange that only I can read it, and if I have to travel a long way to read your letter to your wife, it will cost you a lot of money.”
Ali went away quickly.
是信還是口信
阿裏在離家很遠的地方做工，他很想給妻子寄封信，可是他即不會讀書又不會寫字，白天還要忙著工作，所以他隻能在夜裏找個人幫他寫信，於是他找到了馬丁的家，這個人是專門替別人寫信的。
此刻的馬丁正準備睡覺，他問：“太晚了，你有什麼事嗎？”“我想請你幫忙給我的妻子寫封信。”阿裏答道。馬丁陰沉著臉想了一會兒，然後問：“你妻子家離我這兒遠不遠？”
“這和你寫信有什麼關係嗎？”阿裏問道。“哦，是這樣的，我寫的信隻有我一個人能看懂，你要是想讓我長途跋涉去給你妻子讀信，那末價錢會很貴的！”
阿裏聽完後趕快走了。
The Same Coat
When Mr. Jones went to a restaurant one day, he left his coat near the door. There was nothing in the pockets of the coat when he left it, so he was very surprised when he took his coat after his meal and found the pockets full of jewelers!
There was a waiter near the door, so Mr. Jones said to him, “somebody has made a mistake. He has put some jewelers in my coat. Take it, and when he comes back, give it to him.” The waiter took it and went away. Suddenly another man came in with a coat just like Mr. Jones’s. “I am sorry,” said this man. “I made a mistake. I took your coat and you have got mine. Please give me my coat and jewelers. Mr. Jones answered, “I gave the jewelers to the waiter. He will give it to you.”
?Mr. Jones called the manager of?the restaurant; but the manager said, “We have no waiters here. We only have waitresses.”
“ You gave the jewelers to a thief!” shouted the other man. “I shall call the police! ”Mr. Jones was frightened and paid the man a lot of money for the jewelers.
同樣的大衣
一天約翰走進一家飯館，他把外套放在門旁。當他吃完飯後穿上外套準備走時，他驚呆了，因為他發現原本空空的口袋裏此刻卻裝滿了珠寶！
約翰看到門旁站著一個男服務員，於是走過去對他說：“一定有什麼人弄錯了，把珠寶放進了我的衣袋。給你，等那人回來你就把這些珠寶還給他。”那個服務員接過珠寶轉身離開了。這時另一個人走進了飯館，手裏拿著一件和約翰差不多的外套。“實在抱歉。”，那人說，“我錯穿了你的外套，你手裏那件是我的。請把它和我的珠寶都還給我吧。”約翰答道：“我把那些珠寶交給一個男服務員了，他會還給你的。”
約翰把飯館經理叫了出來，但是經理卻告訴他“這個飯館裏隻有女服務員根本就沒有男服務員。”
“你一定是把珠寶給了小偷了！” 旁邊那個人立刻喊到，“我要報警！”約翰聽了非常害怕，隻得賠給那個人一大筆錢。
Sell a Car
A man was traveling abroad in a small red car. One day he left the car and went shopping. When he came back, its roof was badly damaged. Some boys told him that an elephant had damaged it. The man did not believe them, but they took him to a circus, which was near there. The owner of the elephant said, “I am very sorry! My elephant has a big, round, red chair. He thought that your car was his chair, and he sat on it! ”Then he gave the man a letter, in which he said that he was sorry and that he would pay for all the damage.
When the man got back to his own country, the customs officers would not believe his story. They said, “You sold your new car while you were abroad and bought this old one!” So he had to pay taxes for selling his own car, which he didn’t.
賣 車
一個人駕駛著一輛紅色小轎車去國外旅遊，一天他把車停在路邊自己去商場購物。可當他回來時發現車的頂棚已被嚴重毀壞，旁邊有幾個孩子告訴他這是一隻大象幹的。這個人當然不相信孩子們的話！於是幾個孩子把他帶到附近的一個馬戲團，大象飼養員麵帶歉意地說：“實在對不起！我的這隻象常坐在一個紅色的圓圓的大椅子上，它很可能把您的車頂當成它的椅子了！”說完飼養員交給這個人一封信，信裏表達了他深深的歉意並表示願意賠償所有的損失。
這個人開著車回到了自己的國家，然而海關官員卻根本不相信他的遭遇。他們說：“一定是你在國外把自己的那輛新車賣了，然後買了這麼一輛破車。”所以他不得不為了那輛他根本沒有賣的車而繳稅。
Prediction
A man was cutting a branch of a tree in his garden. While he was sawing, another man passed in the street. He stopped and said, “Excuse me, but if you continue to saw that branch like that, you will fall down with it.” He said this because the man was sitting on the branch and cutting it at a place between him and the trunk of the tree.
The man said nothing. He thought, “This is some foolish person who has no work to do and goes about telling other people what to do and what not to do.”
The second man continued on his way. Of course, after a few minutes, the branch fell and the man fell with it.
“My God!” he cried. “That man knows the future!” and he ran after him to ask how long he was going to live. But the man had gone.