第一章
Sobbing Keeper
A visitor to the zoo noticed one of the keepers sobbing quietly in a corner and on inquiry was told that the elephant had died. “Fond of him, was he?” the visitor asked.
“It’s not that,” came the reply. “He’s the chap who has to dig the grave.”
哭泣的飼養員
一名參觀動物園的遊客注意到一名飼養員正躲在角落裏默默地哭泣。他問是怎麼回事，別人告訴他大象死了。“他很喜歡那頭大象，是吧?”遊客問道。
“並非如此，”那人回答說，“他負責給大象挖墓穴。”
Save Money
Henry was from the United States and he had come to London for a holiday.
One day he was not feeling well, so he went to the clerk at the desk of his hotel and said, “I want to see doctor. Can you give me the name of a good one?”
The clerk looked in a book and then said, “Dr. Kenneth Grey, 61010.”
Henry said, “Thank yon very much. Is he expensive?”
“Well,” the clerk answered, “he always charges his patients two pounds for their first visit to him, and one pound and 50 pennies for later visits.”
Henry decided to save 50 pennies, so when he went to see the doctor, he said, “I’ve come again, doctor.”
For a few seconds the doctor looked at his face carefully without saying anything. Then he nodded and said, “Oh, yes.” He examined him and then said, “Everything’s going as it should do. Just continue with the medicine I gave you last time.”
省 錢
亨利是個美國人，他到倫敦來度假。有一天他感到身體不舒服，於是走到旅館服務台對服務員說：“我想看病，你能給我推薦一位好醫生嗎?”
服務員查閱了一下本子，然後說：“肯尼思·格雷醫生，61010。”
亨利說：“非常感謝，他收費貴嗎?”
“喔，”服務員回答說：“他對初診患者收費兩英鎊，複診收費一點五英鎊。”
亨利想節省五十便士，所以他去看病時對醫生說：“我又來了，醫生。”
醫生仔細端詳著他的麵孔，幾秒鍾沒說話。然後點點頭說：“哦，是的。”給他做完檢查以後，醫生說：“病情發展正常。繼續服用上次我給你開的藥吧。”
Mushroom and Toadstool
Younger Scout: How can I tell the difference between a mushroom and a toadstool?
Older Scout: Just eat one before you go to bed. If you wake up the next morning, it was a mushroom.
蘑菇與毒蕈
年少的童子軍：我怎樣才能把蘑菇和毒蕈區別開呢？
年長的童子軍：上床前吃一個。如果你第二天早上醒來，那就是蘑菇。
What Would You Do?
Son: Mum, if someone broke your best vase what would you do?
Mum: I’d spank him and send him to bed without any supper!
Son: Well, you’d better get the slipper. Dad’s just broken it!
你會怎麼辦？
兒子：媽媽，如果有人打碎了你最好的花瓶，你會怎麼辦？
媽媽：我要揍他，還不讓他吃晚飯就去睡覺！
兒子：好了，你準備好拖鞋吧，爸爸剛把那隻花瓶摔碎了。
A Baby Sister
Nurse: Don’t you like your new baby sister, Johnny?
Johnny: She’s all right, but I wish she had been a boy. Willie Smith had got a new sister, and now he’ll think I’m trying to copy him.
小妹妹
保姆：約翰尼，你難道不喜歡你新生的小妹妹？
約翰尼：她還可以，但要是個男孩就好了。威利·史密斯有一個新生的小妹妹。現在他該認為我又在跟他學了。
I Didn’t Notice It
Mother: I left two pieces of cake in the cupboard this morning, Johnny, and now there is only one piece left. Can you explain that?
Johnny: Well, I suppose it was so dark that I didn’t notice the other.
我沒看到它
媽媽：約翰尼，我今天早上在櫥子裏放了兩塊點心。現在就剩下一塊了。你能解釋一下嗎？
約翰尼：哦，我想是因為裏麵太黑我沒看到另外那塊。
Sharing the Apples
Harry was given two apples, a small one and a large one, by his Mum. “Share them with your
sister,” she said.
So Harry gave the small one to his little sister and started tucking into the large one.
“Cor!” said his sister, “If Mum had given them to me I’d have given you the large one and had the small one myself.”
“Well,” said Harry, “that’s what you’ve got, so what are you worrying about?”
分蘋果
媽媽給了哈裏兩個蘋果，一個大點兒，另一個小點兒。“跟妹妹分著吃。”媽媽說。
所以，哈裏就把小個兒的給了妹妹，自己開始啃那個大個兒的。
“哼，”妹妹說，“如果媽媽給了我，我會把大的給你，把小的留給我自己的。”
還著什麼急呀？”
A Birthday Present
Annie: Mum, do you know what I’m going to give you for your birthday?
Mum: No, dear, what is it?
Annie: A nice teapot.
Mum: But I’ve got a nice teapot.
Annie: No, you haven’t. I’ve just dropped it!
生日禮物
安妮：媽媽，你知道你過生日我會送你什麼禮物嗎？
媽媽：親愛的，我猜不出來，是什麼東西呀？
安妮：一個漂亮的茶壺。
媽媽：可我有一個很好的茶壺了。
安妮：不，你沒有。我剛把它掉在地上摔破了。
Who Discovered Australia?
Teacher: Find Australia on the map for me, Johnny.
Johnny: It’s there, sir.
Teacher: That’s right. Now Sammy, who discovered Australia?
Sammy: Johnny, sir.
誰發現了澳大利亞？
老師：約翰尼，在地圖上給我找出澳大利亞在什麼地方。
約翰尼：先生，在這兒。
老師：對了。薩默，你來回答是誰發現了澳大利亞？
薩默：先生，是約翰尼。
The plural Form of “Child”
Teacher: What is the plural of man, Tom?
Tom: Men.
Teacher: Good. And the plural of child?
Tom: Twins.
“孩子”的複數形式
老師：湯姆，“男人”這個詞的複數形式是什麼？
湯姆：男人們。
老師：答得好。那“孩子”的複數形式呢？
湯姆：雙胞胎。
When Do People Talk Least?
Student A: When do people talk least?
Student B: In February.
Student A: Why?
Student B: Because February is the shortest month of a year.
人們什麼時候說話最少？
學生甲：人們在什麼時候說話最少？
學生乙：在二月。
學生甲：為什麼呢？
學生乙：因為二月是一年中最短的一個月。
My Husband Just Came in
The couple seated in a restaurant seemed to be having a wonderful time. But as the woman glanced away from the table, their waiter suddenly rushed over.
“Madam, look,” he said. “Your husband just slid under the table.”
“No, he didn’t,” she replied. “My husband just came in the door.”
我丈夫剛進來
在飯館裏坐著一對夫婦，他們看上去非常高興。但是當那女子向旁邊瞥了一眼時，服務員馬上跑了過來。
“夫人，您瞧，”他說，“您丈夫滑到桌子底下去了。”
“不，他沒有，”她回答，“我丈夫剛從門外進來。”
To Patch the Hole
A young man came home from work and found his bride upset. “I feel terrible,” she said. “I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers.”
“Forget it,” consoled her husband. “Remember that I’ve got an extra pair of pants for that suit.”
“Yes,” said the woman, cheering up. “And it’s lucky you have. I used them to patch the hole.”
補 洞
丈夫下班回到家裏，發現自己的新娘心緒煩亂。“我心裏太難受了，”她說。“我在給你熨西裝時把褲子的臀部燒了個大洞。”
“沒事兒，”丈夫安慰她說。“你忘了我這套衣服有兩條褲子。“
“是的，” 妻子高興地說，“幸虧你還有一條，我後來就用它來補了這個洞了。”
Forgetfulness
An older lady gets undressed and starts to get into the bathtub. She gets about halfway into the tub and thinks, “Was I getting into the tub or getting out? ”
She calls out, “Bernice! Was I getting into the bathtub or getting out?”
Bernice says, “Well I don’t know. I’ll have to come up and look.” Bernice starts walking up the stairs to the bathroom, gets halfway up and thinks to herself, “ Was I going up the stairs or down?” She calls out “Sally! Was I going up or down the stairs? ”
Sally, who is just being with Bernice down in the living room calls back, “How should I know?” and thinks to herself, “I’m glad I’m not losing my mind like the other people in this house.”
健忘症
一個上了年紀的女人脫了衣服準備去洗澡。她剛把一隻腳邁進浴缸就想：我是打算進去呢？還是正要出去？
她大聲喊：“伯尼斯！我這是正要去洗澡還是打算要出來呢？”
伯尼斯說：“我不知道，我這就上去看看。”伯尼斯開始往樓上的浴室走，走到一半時想到：我這是要上樓呢還是下樓？她大喊：“莎莉！我這是要上樓呢還是要下樓呢？”
剛還和伯尼斯在樓下客廳裏的莎莉喊：“我怎麼知道？”她自己想：我真的很高興我不像這個屋子裏的其它人一樣沒記性。
Who Stole the Car?
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
“Your honor,” he said, “I want to get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine.”
“Why?” asked the judge, “He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?”
“Well, your honor,” replied Carlson, “I didn’t have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole.”
是誰偷的車？
卡爾森被指控盜劫一輛奔馳轎車，經過長時間的審訊，陪審團將他無罪釋放。之後，卡爾森找到了聽證會上主持的法官。
“法官大人，”他說，“我想申請一張逮捕令抓捕那個肮髒的律師。”
“為什麼？”法官問，“他讓你贏得了無罪釋放。難道他有什麼罪嗎？“
“是的，法官大人，”卡爾森回答，“我沒有錢付我的律師費，他就把我那輛偷來的車開走了。”
Taxi in Israel
An American tourist was riding in a taxi in Israel. As the taxi approached a red light, the tourist was shocked to see the driver drive straight through without even slowing down. Surprised as he was, he didn’t say anything, feeling himself a “guest” and not wanting to make waves.
The trip continued without event until the next intersection. This time the light was green and, to the American’s dismay, the cab driver brought the vehicle to a grinding halt. Unable to contain his astonishment, he turns to the driver: “Listen,” he says, “when you went through the red light, I didn’t say anything. But, why, in heaven’s name, are you stopping at a green light?!”
The Israeli driver looks at him as if the American was deranged: “Are you crazy?!” he shouts. “The other guy has a red light--do you want to get us killed?!”
以色列的出租車
一個美國遊客在以色列打了一輛出租車。使這個美國遊客震驚的是，當出租車開到紅燈底下的時候，司機根本沒有減速就直著衝了過去。雖然他很吃驚，但他什麼也沒說。他覺得自己是個遊客不應該找麻煩。
一切都很順利，直到下一個十字路口。這回是綠燈，可讓美國人驚愕的是那個司機采刹車停了下來。他再也憋不住了，就問司機：“我問你，剛才你闖紅燈我什麼都沒說，可這回是綠燈為什麼你卻停了下來？”
那個以色列司機看著那美國人，驚訝的喊道：“你瘋了嗎？另一個司機現在正要闖紅燈，難道你想找死嗎？”
Luck of the Irish
Two Irish lovers are sitting on a bench, in a park. They are holding hands, but the lady is nervously twisting her hands.
Mary: “Patrick. I have something to tell you.”
Patrick: “Well, what’s on your mind? You know you can tell me everything.”
Mary: “It’s so terrible.”
Patrick: “You know you can trust me. What is it?”
Mary: “Well, it was a few years ago. Father lost his job, and no money in sight…”
Patrick: “So, what is it?”
Mary: “Oh. We were so desperate. For some time I had to turn … prostitute!”
Patrick: “WHAT!”
Mary: “We needed the money so bad!”
Patrick: “There is no good reason for this! Endangering your very soul! How could you? YOU! Mary, this is more than I can stand!”
Mary: “Not you, Pat! No! I thought you’d understand. I thought you could still love me, even though I had been a whore.”
Patrick: “Oh! …You… Well, that’s ok. For a moment I thought you said ‘protestant’!”
愛爾蘭人的運氣
一對愛爾蘭情侶坐在公園裏的長椅上。他們手牽著手，但是那個女的一直緊張地擺弄她的雙手。
瑪麗：“帕特瑞克，我有些事想告訴你。”
帕特瑞克：“好的，你在想什麼？有什麼事你盡管可以跟我說。”
瑪麗：“這件事簡直太難講出口了。”
帕克瑞克：“請你相信我，到底是什麼事？”
瑪麗：“那是好幾年前的事了。我爸爸失業了，當時眼下沒有錢。”
帕特瑞克：“那然後呢？”
瑪麗：“哦，當時我們簡直是絕望之極。所以有時候我不得不去做妓女!”
帕特瑞克：“你說什麼？”
瑪麗：“我們太需要錢了。”
帕特瑞克：“不要找借口開脫了。出賣你的靈魂，你怎麼能這麼做呢？你！瑪麗，這我實在是接受不了。”
瑪麗：“不，帕特請不要這樣，我覺得你能理解我。我相信你依然愛我，哪怕我曾經出賣過自己的身體。”
帕特瑞克：“哦，你等會兒，那沒關係。剛才我還以為你是說你是當了新教徒呢。”
(注：英文中“妓女”與“新教徒”兩個詞發音較近。另外，在愛爾蘭大部分人都是信奉天主教。)
Two Mistakes
For a long time Dr.Smith had wanted to get a better job in a certain big modern hospital, and at last he was successful. He was appointed to a particular position, which he wanted, and his wife moved to the house, which they were now to live in. The next day some beautiful flowers were sent to them, with a note, which said, “Deepest sympathy”. Naturally, Dr. Smith was angry to receive such an unusual note, and telephoned the shop which had sent the flowers to find what the note meant.
When the owner of the shop heard what had happened, he apologized to Dr. Smith for having made the mistake.
“But what really worried me much more,” he added, “is that flowers which ought to have gone to you were sent to a person who had just died, with a card which said, Congratulations on your new position.”
兩個錯誤
很長時間以來，史密斯先生一直想在一家現代化的大醫院找到一份較好的工作，最後他如願以償了。他得到了他所想要的一個重要職位，他和他妻子也搬進了他們現在的房子。第二天，他讓花店送來了一些美麗的鮮花，上麵有一張條子，寫道：“最深切的吊慰。”很顯然，史密斯先生對接到這樣一張條子感到非常氣憤，他立刻打電話給送花店的老板問那張條子是什麼意思。
商店的老板聽到所發生的事情之後，對於他們所造成的錯誤對史密斯先生表示歉意。
“可真正讓我更為擔心的是”，老板補充道，“應該給你送去的鮮花卻被送給了一個剛去世的人，鮮花上的條子寫著：祝您高升。”
Every Match Lit
There was a man who cared more for money than anything else, one day he sent his son to buy a box of matches, and told the boy he must see that every match in the box was good, soon the boy came back. The man took out a match and struck it, but it failed to light, he tried several more, but none was good. He got very angry and said, “I told you every match must be good, didn’t I?”
“Yes, you did,” the boy replied. “I tried out all the matches in the box and every match lit.”
每根都能劃得燃
有一個特別在乎錢的人，一天他叫兒子去買一盒火柴，並且告訴兒子一定要搞清楚每根火柴都是好的。他的兒子一會兒就回來了。這個人拿出火柴劃了一根， 沒有燃著。他又劃了幾根還是沒有一根劃燃。他非常生氣地說：“我不是告訴過你要保證每一根火柴都是好的嗎?”
“是的，你確實說過，”孩子回答，“我把盒子裏所有的火柴都試過了，每根都能劃得燃。”
Sing your Heart Out
There was a little girl whose mother was very strict. Her mother tried to make her daughter behave in a very decent manner, but the girl was still three and half years old. One day the family went to a party, and in the middle of the party the girl cried, “Mommy I want to go restroom.” This drew a lot of attention and the mother felt embarrassed about her daughter. At home she advised that whenever she wants to go to restroom she should say, “I want to sing.”