第四章
免費服務
遊客對出租車司機說：“去機場多少錢？”
出租車司機：“五磅二十便士。”
遊客：“那運行李多少錢？”
出租車司機：“行李當然是免費的。”
遊客：“好吧，就把行李運到機場。我走著去。”
Who Sent the Flowers?
One morning a customer entered my flower shop and ordered a bouquet for his wife. “No card is necessary,” he instructed us, “She’ll know who sent them.”
The delivery truck hadn’t even returned to the store when the phone rang. It was the customer’s wife. “Who sent the flowers?” she asked.
After explaining that the customer had requested that no card be included, I considered the matter closed. But not so. A bit later, she came rushing in the front door. “You’ve got to tell me who sent the flowers,” she demanded, “before my husband gets home for lunch!”
誰送的花？
一天早晨，一位顧客走進我的花店，要給他的妻子買一束鮮花。他告訴我們：“不需要放賀卡，她知道是誰送的。”
去送花的車還沒有回來，電話響了。打電話的正是剛才那位顧客的妻子，她問道：“是誰送我的鮮花。”
當我給她解釋了買花的人要求不要放賀卡後，我以為這件事就算過去了。但是事實並非如此。過了一會她又急急忙忙地跑到了店裏。她追究地問：“在我丈夫中午回家吃飯之前，你們必須告訴我是誰送的花！”
On Being Prepared for Marriage
My parents were glad to see that my new husband looks like a regular guy--no earring or anything. But really I think a man with an earring is better prepared for marriage. I mean, he’s already experienced pain and bought jewelry.
做好結婚的準備
我父母看到我的新丈夫後很高興，因為他看上去像個正常的家夥，沒有帶耳環一類的東西。但是我認為帶耳環的男人更適合結婚。我的意思是說他已經經曆了疼痛，並且有過買首飾的經曆。
A Letter to a Girlfriend
One day a young man was writing a letter to his girlfriend that lived just a few miles away in a nearby town. Among other things, he was telling her how much he loved her and how wonderful he thought she was. The more he wrote the more poetic he became. Finally, he said that in order to be with her he would suffer the greatest difficulties; he would face the greatest dangers that anyone could imagine. In fact, to spend only one minute with her, he would climb the highest mountain in the world, he would swim across the widest river, and he would enter the deepest forest and with his bare hands fight against the fiercest animals.
He finished the letter, signed his name, and then suddenly remembered that he had forgotten to mention something quite important. So, in a postscript below his name, he added: “By the way I’ll be over to see you on Wednesday night -- if it doesn’t rain.”
致女朋友的一封信
一天，一個青年男子給住在離他幾英裏遠的鎮上的女朋友寫信。除了寫其他的事情外，他告訴她他愛她有多深，他認為她有多好，他越寫越富有詩意。最後，他寫道，為了能和她呆在一起，他願意克服最大的困難，他願意麵對任何人能夠想象的最大的危險。實際上，為了能和她呆上一分鍾，他願爬越世界上最高的山，他願遊過最寬的河，他甚至願意赤手空拳進入最深的森林，同最凶惡的野獸搏鬥。
他寫完了信，簽上了名，突然，他想起忘了寫一件重要的事。因此，在信末簽名後他又補充道：“順便說一下，我將在星期三晚上去看你――如果那天不下雨的話。”
Spend All
Mr. Black gave his wife money every Friday evening, but she always spent it before the next Wednesday, so that for the next three days she had none.
Every Tuesday evening Mr. Black asked her, “But what did you spend all that money on?” and she always answered, “I don’t know.”
One Friday Mr. Black brought home an exercise book and pencil and gave them to his wife with her money. “Now look!” he said to her, “When you get money from me, write it down on this page, and on the opposite page write down what happens to the money.”
When Mr. Black came home the next Tuesday, his wife came to him and showed him the book. “I have done what you told me,” she said happily. On one page she had written “Friday, 29th June, I got ￡18 from John,” and on the opposite page, “Tuesday 2nd July. I have spent it all.”
全花光了
布萊克先生每星期五的晚上給她妻子錢，可是她總是在下星期三之前就把錢花光了。所以在後三天裏她手中空無一文。
每星期二的晚上布萊克先生都會問她：“你花那些錢買什麼東西啦？”她總是回答：“我不知道。”
又一個星期五的晚上，布萊克先生將一個本子，一支筆和錢一起給了她的妻子，並說道：“你聽著，我給你錢時，把數目寫在這頁上，在對麵那頁上記下這些錢都花到哪去了。”
第二個星期二的晚上，布萊克先生回到家裏，她的妻子把本子拿給他看。她高興地說：“我按你說得去做了。”在一頁上她寫著：“六月二十九日，星期五，約翰給了我18磅；”對麵一頁寫著：“七月二日，星期二，我全花光了。”
Buying a Dress
One day Mrs. Smith went shopping. When her husband came home in the evening, she began to tell him about a beautiful cotton dress. “I saw it in a shop this morning.” she said, “and…” “And you want to buy it?” said her husband, “How much does it cost?” “Fifty pounds.”
“Fifty pounds for a cotton dress? That is too much!” But every evening when Mr. Smith came back from work, his wife continued to speak only about the dress, and at last, after a week, he said, “Oh, buy the dress! Here is the money!” She was very happy. But the next evening, when Mr. Smith came home and asked, “Have you got the famous dress?” she said, “No.” “Why not?” he said. “Well, it was still in the window of the shop after a week. I thought, nobody else wants this dress, so I don’t want it either!”
買衣服
一天，史密斯夫人去買東西。當他的丈夫晚上下班回到家的時候，她跟他談起一件漂亮的純棉連衣裙，她說：“我今天上午在一家店裏看到的。我……”丈夫問道：“你想買那條裙子是嗎？那條裙子多少錢？”“五十英磅。”
“五十英磅買一條棉布連衣裙？這也太貴了！”可是每天晚上史密斯先生下班回來，她的妻子總是沒完沒了地說這件連衣裙。一星期之後，他終於說：“噢，把裙子買下來吧！給你錢。”她很高興。可是第二天晚上當史密斯先生下班回來問：“你買了那條盼望已久的連衣裙了嗎？”她說：“沒有。”他問：“為什麼？”“嗯，那件連衣裙在櫥窗裏放了一個星期，也沒有賣掉，我想別人誰也不要它，所以我也不想要了。”
A Letter from an Reader
In 50 years, I have never before felt the need to write to a newspaper. However, in the light of recent events, I can remain quiet no longer.
Yours sincerely.
一封讀者來信
五十多年來，我從沒有想過給報社寫信。但是，對於當前的幾件大事，我不能再保持沉默了。
此致
敬禮
Better Understanding of Law
Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?
Defendant: No, I did not.
P: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
D: Yes, I do. And they’re a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.
通曉法律
檢察官：是你殺了被害人？
被告：不，我沒有。
檢察官：你知道對作偽證的人的處罰嗎？
被告：是的，我知道。那總比謀殺所受的處罰要好的多吧。
True Microsoft Story
I once got an especially helpful reply to a question I asked on Microsoft’s on-line tech support service. I wrote back to thank them for a complete and concise reply, and said how much I appreciated it.
The next day I had a response: “We are looking into the problem and will contact you with a solution as soon as possible.”
微軟趣事
一次我在網上問了微軟在線技術支持的一個問題，得到一個對我特別有幫助的回答。我給他們寫回信對他們提供的完整而簡潔的解決辦法表示感謝。第二天我得到了回應：“我們正在研究這個問題，得到解決方案後會盡快與您聯係。”
Making a Selection
I’ve heard it said that the way to pick a barber in a barbershop is to choose the one with the worst haircut--they cut each other’s hair.
做選擇
我聽說了個到美發店挑選理發師的方法：就是找那些發型最差的，因為理發師們總是互相理發。
A Matter of Perspective
A sloth was walking through the jungle one day when he was set upon by a gang of vicious snails. The snails left him bleeding and confused at the bottom of a tree where several hours later he summoned the strength to go to the police station and report the assault. He was asked by the desk sergeant to describe his attackers. He replied, “I don’t know what they looked like, it all happened so fast.”