第一章
Tips for Northerners Moving South
1．Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2．If you forget a Southerner’s name, refer to him (or her) as “Bubba”. You have a 75% chance of being right.
3．Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4．Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
5．Do not buy food at the movie store.
6．If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it can’t worth cooking, let alone eating.
7．Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s” is plural possessive.
8．There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
9．Get used to hearing, “You aren’t from around here, are you?”
10．People walk slower here.
11．Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you either.
12．The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
13．Be advised: The “He needed killing” defense is valid here.
14．If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
15．If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
16．Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
17．Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car’s windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
18．The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
19．If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store.It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you’re supposed to do.
20．Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
21．Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
22．Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
23．You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you’re better off trying to find it yourself.
北方人搬遷到南方的告誡
（注：這篇生活小常識是寫給即將要從美國北方搬到南方的人, 藉由這樣子的方式, 你可以多了解一些美國南方人的生活習慣。當然其中不免有些誇大, 但也多少透露出北方人對南方人的一些刻板印象。）
1．把你所有的熏肉油 (bacon grease) 都留著, 稍後就會有人教你如何用它。(南方人太喜歡吃熏肉油了。)
2．如果你忘了一個南方人的名字, 你就叫他（或她） “Bubba”, 就會有 75% 的機會被你猜對。(因為南方人很多都叫 Bob ，不然就是 Bobby。)
3．你能在雪地中開車不代表我們就能。一年中唯一下雪的兩天你就待在家裏休息吧。(南方很少下雪, 一年最多下個兩三次，但幾乎每次一下雪就放假一天。)
4．當你發現錄像帶出租店居然在賣魚餌時, 不要太驚訝。(鄉下地方不都是這樣?)
5．不要在錄像帶店買食物。(因為你買到的可能是魚餌!)
6．如果某樣食物不能用熏肉油來炒, 那它就不值得烹調，更不用說拿來吃了。(暗諷南方人什麼都要用熏肉油炒來吃。)
7．記住，“Y’all”是單數，“All y’all”是複數，“All y’all’s” 是複數所有格。 (南方人喜歡用 y’all 來代替 you, 正如同北方人喜歡用 you guy 來代指 you 是一樣的，例如 see you later 你就可以說成 see y’all later。)
8．沒有任何一件事是比北方人模仿南方人口音更愚蠢的事了, 除非是南方人想去模仿波士頓口音。(南方人有一種特殊的口音，而且很難模仿。而北方口音中則以波士頓這個地方最具代表性。)
9．習慣聽人家這麼說,“你不是從這裏來的，對吧?”(北方人來到南方由於生活習慣的不同, 一下子就會被認出來。)
10．這裏的人都走得比較慢。(南方的生活步調通常都比較慢。)
11．不用擔心你不了解其它人在講什麼, 他們同樣也聽不懂你在講什麼。(南方口音有時候還真的是蠻難聽懂的。)
12．你在學校中所學到的正確發音再也不正確了。(講的也是南方人的口音很重。)
13．接受一下這個建議, “他需要殺戮”也算是正當防衛的一種。(南方人許多人家裏都有槍, 不要隨便闖入別人家裏。)
14．如果你在南方參加一個葬禮的話，一定要等到最後一鏟土放下去，帳篷都拆掉了才能走。(反正南方人有的是時間。)
15．如果你聽到一個南方人大喊,“喂! 看看這個東西。” 那麼你最好離他遠一點, 因為這很可能是他這一生最後的一句話。(開車走路不專心, 後果自行負責吧!)
16．大多數的南方人都不喜歡用方向燈，就算有人用，其它人也會忽略它。事實上，如果你看到有一台車的方向燈在閃的話， 那麼你可以確定這一定是從這輛車買來之後，方向燈就一直閃著的。(南方人開車很隨興，才不用什麼方向燈呢! 如果有人在閃方向燈，那一定是方向燈壞掉了。)
17．你可以從擋風玻璃上的口水分辨出誰是北方人，因為他們總是對著其它的司機大吼大叫。(北方人生活步調快，開車也快，當然不習慣南方人那樣優閑的開車方式。)
18．你九月份買的過冬衣櫃可以等到十一月才開始用。(南方的天氣很暖活，不像北方那樣寒冷。)
19．如果天氣預報說，有一點點可能性會積一點小雪的話，那你就要趕快去超市買東西。你需不需要什麼東西倒無所謂，反正你去就對了。(這實在說得太深刻了，每次預報說可能會下一點雪，這裏超市的生鮮食品立刻就被搶購一空，因為隻要一下雪，人們就不出門了，所以要趕緊囤積食物。)
20．在南方，衛星天線是很受歡迎的，而且當你買了一個之後，你就應該把它放在你拖車屋 (trailer) 的前麵。這是很合乎邏輯的，因為通常衛星天線比你的拖車還貴，所以值得展示。(南方有許多人是住在拖車屋裏――trailer house 或簡稱 trailer。基本上這就是所謂的貨櫃屋, 但是你可以請一台拖車――trailer 把它到處拖著跑, 所以有點像是現代的遊牧民族。)
21．龍卷風跟南方人要離婚在很多方麵是很像的，不管是哪一種情況，都有人會失去拖車屋。(龍卷風會把屋子吹走，而離婚呢當然就要把財產分一分了。)
22．佛羅裏達不被認為是南方的州，住在那的北方人遠比南方人來的多。(傳統上的南方是指喬治亞、田納西、阿肯色、阿拉巴馬、密西西比、路易斯安那這些地方。佛羅裏達算是觀光盛地, 很多的居民都來自北方。)
23．你可以向一個南方人問路，但除非你對那裏的一草一木都很熟悉，不然你還是要自己找路。(南方算是比較鄉下的地方，所以沒有明顯人為的地標，例如高樓、加油站等。所以他們都會用大樹或是石頭來當作指路的地標。)
An Episode in the Train
Michael and Derek are good friends, but they like to pull each other’s leg sometimes. One day during the holidays they decided to go to London together. They went to the station and bought their tickets. When the train came in, Michael boarded it first and, without knowing it, dropped his ticket on the platform as he got in to the carriage. Derek, who was close behind, saw the ticket fall and quickly picked it up. Without a word to his friend, he put it in his pocket.
After they had been in the train a little while, they heard the ticket inspector coming down the corridor, shouting, “Ticket, please!” Michael looked for his and of course couldn’t find it.
“Oh dear, I can’t find my ticket, Derek,” he said.
“Have another look, Michael; it must be somewhere,” said Derek.
“No, I can’t find it anywhere. Whatever shall I do?”
“Perhaps you had better hide under the seat; then the inspector won’t know you are here.”
So Michael crawled under the seat as far as he could and lay perfectly still. Presently the door opened, and in came the inspector. “Tickets, please,” he said.
Derek handed him two tickets, and said, “This is mine. The other belongs to my friend, who prefers to travel under the seat.”
火車中的插曲
邁克爾和德雷克是好朋友，但有時候他們喜歡捉弄對方。假期中的一天，他們決定一塊兒去倫敦。他們來到車站並買好了車票。火車進站後，邁克爾先上了車。他走進車廂時，不小心將自己的車票掉在了月台上。德雷克緊跟著他，看到車票掉了就趕快給拾了起來，但他沒告訴自己的朋友，而是不動聲色地將票裝進了自己的口袋。
上車後不久，他們聽到查票員沿著車廂過道在驗票：“請把票拿出來！”邁克爾四處翻找，當然找不到他的票。
“天哪，我的車票找不著了，德雷克。”他說道。
“再找一遍，邁克爾，一定在什麼地方。”德雷克說。
“不，沒有，我哪兒都找遍了，我該怎麼辦呢？”
“也許你最好藏在座位下麵，那樣查票員就不會知道你在這兒了。”
於是，邁克爾就盡量匍匐在座位下麵，一動也不敢動。門很快打開了，查票員走了進來。“請把票拿出來。”他說道。
德雷克遞給他兩張票，說道：“這張是我的，另一張是我朋友的，他更喜歡呆在座位下麵旅行。”
Not to Be Taken Out
Mark Twain once went to borrow a certain book from a neighbor in Tarry town. “May I borrow a book from you?” He asked politely. “Yes, you’re more than welcome to it,” the neighbor told him. “But I must ask you to read it here. You know I make a rule never to let any book go out of my library.” Some days later the neighbor wished to borrow Twain’s machine for cutting grass in the garden. “Why, certainly,” Twain told him, “You’re more than welcome to it. But I must ask you to use it here. You know that I make it a rule never to let it go out of my garden.”
概不外借
在特裏鎮，馬克·吐溫有一次去一位鄰居那兒借本書。“我可以向您借本書嗎？”他禮貌地問道。“當然，非常樂意，”鄰居告訴他，“但我要求你在這兒讀。你知道我有一條規定，那就是決不讓一本書拿出我的圖書室。”幾天後，這位鄰人想從吐溫那兒借台割草機。“噢，當然，”吐溫告訴他，“非常樂意借給你。但我要你在這兒用。你知道我從來不允許它拿出我的花園。”
I don’t know her
A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing. “Why don’t you do that?” said the wife. “Honey,” replied her husband, “ I don’t even know that woman!”
我還不認識她
一對夫婦在公園裏散步，發現一對年輕的男女坐在一條長凳上動情地接吻。“你為什麼不那樣做呢？”妻子說。“親愛的，”她的丈夫回答說，“我還不認識那個女子呢。”
The Ball-point Pen
One day a young mother was playing with her five-year-old son. Suddenly he grabbed her ball-point pen and swallowed it.
“Oh, no!” cried the woman. “We must find a doctor.”
She took her son, ran out of the house, put him in their car, and drove quickly to the nearest doctor’s office. Taking her son by the hand, she rushed into the waiting room and shouted to the nurse, “I must see the doctor immediately.”
“I’m sorry, ” said the nurse calmly, “but the doctor is busy.”
“But nurse,” she said, “please! My son just swallowed my ball-point pen!”
“Well, ” said the nurse. “I’m terribly sorry, but you’ll just have to use a pencil.”
圓珠筆
一天，一位媽媽正和她五歲的兒子一起玩耍，突然孩子搶過媽媽的筆，吞了下去。
“啊呀！”， 他的媽媽說，“我們得去找大夫。”
她抱著孩子，衝出屋子，把孩子放在車上，把車子飛速地開到一家最近的診室，衝護士喊道：“我得立刻見大夫。”
“很抱歉，”護士平靜地說，“大夫正忙著哩。”
“可是護士，”她說，“求你啦，我兒子剛才把我的圓珠筆吞下去了。”
“噢，”護士說，“太遺憾了，你不得不用鉛筆了。”
George Washington and the Horse
Once a neighbor stole one of Washington’s horses. Washington went with a police officer to the neighbor’s farm to get the horse, but the neighbor refused to give the horse up; he claimed that it was his horse.
Washington placed both of his hands over the eyes of the horse and said to the neighbor, “I If this is your horse, then you must tell us in which eye he is blind.”
“In the right eye!” the neighbor said.
Washington took his hand from the right eye of the horse and showed the police officer that the horse was not blind in the right eye.
“Oh, I have made a mistake, ”said the neighbor. “He is blind in the left eye.”