第四章
我妹妹的手指頭
老師：凱溫，這次你怎麼又遲到了？
凱溫：對不起，老師，我在家釘釘子，砸壞了兩個手指頭。
老師：怎麼沒有紮繃帶呀？
凱溫：噢，砸的不是我的手指頭，我叫小妹妹扶著釘子的。
All Except the Music
A keen young teacher wanted to introduce her class to the glories of classical music, so she arranged an outing to an afternoon concert. To make the occasion even more memorable, she treated everyone to lemonade, cake, chocs and ices. Just as the party was getting back into their coach, she said to little Sally, “Have you enjoyed yourself today?”
“Oh, yes, miss!” said Sally, “It was lovely. All except the music, that is.”
除了音樂
一位熱心的年輕教師想讓她的學生多了解一點優秀的古典音樂，就安排了一天下午去聽音樂會。為了使這次活動能給大家留下更深的印象，她請大家喝檸檬汽水，吃點心、巧克力和冰淇淋。在大家聽完音樂會後上汽車回家的時候，她問小薩莉：“你今天玩得好嗎？”
“噢，好極了，小姐，”薩莉說，“除了音樂其它都很好。”
They’ve Disappeared
On their first evening in their new home the bride went in to the kitchen to fix drinks. Five minutes later she came back into the living-room in tears.
“What’s the matter, my angel?” asked her husband anxiously.
“Oh, Derek!” she sobbed. “I put the ice-cubes in hot water to wash them and now they’ve disappeared!”
它們消失了
在他們新家的頭一天晚上，新娘子到廚房去弄點喝的。五分鍾後她哭著回到了起居室。
“我的天使，你怎麼了？” 丈夫著急地問。
“噢，得裏克！”她哭著說，“我把冰塊放在熱水裏洗一洗，可現在它們不見了。”
The Speaker
The after-dinner speaker was droning on and on and on, boring everyone to tears. One of the guests, fighting to keep his drooping eyelids open, turned to the lady on his right and said, “Can nothing be done to shut him up?”
“If there is I’d like to know,” said the lady, “I’m his wife and I’ve been trying to shut him up for twenty years.”
講演者
一位晚餐後的講演者冗長鬱悶地說個沒完沒了，以至使每個人都煩得哈欠連天，有一位客人使勁睜開他沉重的眼皮，轉向坐在他右邊的一位夫人說：“有沒有辦法使他不說了？”
“如果有辦法的話，我倒很想知道。”這位夫人說，“我是他的妻子，我已經試了二十年了，都沒能辦到。”
Bring Me a Glass of Milk
At 2 A. M, Mrs. Culross was convinced that she had heard a prowler in the living room. “Tiptoe downstairs,” she told her husband. “Don't turn on the lights. Sneak up on him before he knows what's happening.”
Dutifully Mr. Culross put on his robe. Just as he reached the bedroom door, his wife added, “And when you came back, bring me a glass of milk.”
給我帶杯牛奶來
清晨兩點，卡羅斯夫人確信她聽見有賊在起居室裏偷偷走動。“踮著腳下樓去，” 她告訴丈夫，“別開燈，在他什麼都不知道之前偷偷跑上去抓住他。”
卡羅斯先生非常盡責地穿上睡袍，剛走到寢室門口他妻子又說：“回來時給我帶杯牛奶來。”
Animal with Four Legs
Teacher: Betty, name two animals, which have four legs.
Betty: Two hens.
四條腿的動物
老師：貝蒂，給我說出兩個四條腿的動物嗎？
貝蒂：兩隻母雞。
He Swore to Die
“If you refuse to marry me,” he swore, “I shall die.” She refused him.
He died sixty years later.
他發誓去死
“你如果拒絕和我結婚，” 他發誓說， “我就去死。” 她拒絕了他。
?六十年以後，他死了。
Virtue
Many years after receiving my graduate degree, I returned to the State University of New York at Binghamton as a faculty member. One day in a crowded elevator, someone remarked on its inefficiency. I said the elevators had not changed in the 20 years since I began there as a student.
When the door finally opened, I felt a compassionate pat on my back, and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at me. “You'll get that degree, dear,” she whispered. “Perseverance is a virtue.”
美 德
獲取研究生學位多年以後，我回到位於伯明翰頓的紐約州立大學當教員。一天，電梯裏很擁擠，有人抱怨電梯的效率太低。我說自我在這裏當學生起，20年來這部電梯就一直沒有換過。
最後當電梯門打開的時候，我感到有人在我的背上同情地拍了一下，我回頭一看是一位年長的修女正在朝我微笑。“你會拿到學位的，親愛的，”她低聲說道：“堅持不懈是一種美德。”
Somebody
First man: In my house I'm really somebody.
Second man: Is that so?
First man: Yes. Every night my wife calls out from the kitchen, “Will somebody take out the garbage?”
人 物
第一位男人：我在家裏確實是個人物。
第二位男人：真是這樣嗎？
第一位男人：是的。每天晚上我妻子都在廚房裏喊: “來一個人物把垃圾拿出去”。
(注:somebody可表示“重要的人”，也可表示“某人”。)
Who Were the Other Two?
An adjective has three qualitative degrees: good, better and best.
The pernickety English grammar teacher married a man of quality. “You are the best woman in my life,” announced the groom on their wedding night.
“And just who were the other two?” angrily snapped the grammar-conscious bride.
另外兩個是誰？
一個形容詞有三個程度上的級別：好的，比較好的和最好的。
一位愛挑剔的英語語法老師嫁了一位上等紳士。新郎在他們的新婚之夜宣稱：“你是我一生中遇到的最好的女人。”
這位語法概念很清楚的新娘生氣地回敬道：“那麼另外兩個是誰？”
(注：英文中的最高級通常是由三方比較後得出的。)
A New, “very” High Tech Computer Virus
I received an unusual call from a Mr. Fred Hankel of Fargo, North Dakota this morning. Mr. Hankel was highly agitated and after hearing his long and involved story, I was moved to pass on this condensed summary to all who might be interested:
Mr. Hankel reports, and I have no grounds for doubting, that a computer virus invaded his system from a bingo game he purchased in mid-October. The virus activated at 11:00 A.M yesterday and promptly melted his power supply and main board. As he reached for the power switch to turn off the machine, the virus blasted a perfectly circular hole in the front panel of his AT clone and left a three-foot oval scorch mark on the back wall of his den.
I had not heard of this virus before and felt that an alert might be in order. Anyone experiencing similar symptoms should contact us immediately.
Thank you.
高科技的電腦病毒
今天早上我接到了佛瑞德?漢克先生從南達科塔的法戈打來的電話，發現他很激動。我聽完了這段長而複雜的故事後，忍不住把這故事的大概內容講給更多的感興趣人聽，我對這件事深信不疑：
漢克先生說他的計算機係統感染了病毒，而病毒則是來自他十月中旬所購買的賭博遊戲。這病毒在昨天上午11：00的時候發作，而且快速的就燒毀了他的電源及主板。當他摸電源插座準備關掉機器的時候這個病毒還在他的AT電腦的前控製麵板上炸開了一個圓洞，同時還在他屋子的後牆上留下了三英尺寬的橢圓形焦痕。
我以前從來沒聽過這個病毒，因此理所當然的為之一震。若有誰曾經經曆過同樣症狀的病毒可速與我們聯係。
謝謝。
The Hero
“Fire! Fire!” What terrible words to hear when one wakes up in a strange house in the middle of the night! It was a large, old, wooden house--the sort that burns beautifully--and my room was on the top floor. I jumped out of bed, opened the door and stepped out into the passage. It was full of thick smoke.
I began to run, but as I was still only half-awake, instead of going towards the stairs I went in the opposite direction. The smoke grew thicker and I could see flames all around. The floor became hot under my bare feet. I found an open door and ran into a room to get to the window, but before I could reach it, one of my feet caught in something soft and I fell down. The thing I had fallen over felt like a bundle of clothes, and I picked it up to protect my face from the smoke and heat. Just then the floor gave way under me and I crashed to the floor below with pieces of burning wood all around me.