第一章
Final Exam
Maxine, the platinum blonde, reported for her final examination which consisted of Yes / No answers. She took her seat in the examination hall, stared at the question paper, and then in a bit of inspiration, took a quarter out of her purse. She started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet “Yes” for heads and “No” for tails. Within 30 minutes she was all done whereas the rest of the class was still sweating it out. During the last few minutes of the exam period, Maxine frantically started flipping the coin again.
The moderator, concerned about what she was doing, stopped by her desk and asked if she was ok.
“Oh yes, I’m fine. I finished the exam a half hour ago--but,” explaining the frantic coin tossing, “I’m going back through and checking my answers!”
期末考試
麥西尼有一頭銀白色秀發，正在參加期末考試，試卷上的題目隻有“對”和“不對”兩種答案。她在考場裏坐了下來開始答卷，這時她靈機一動，從錢包裏拿出了一枚兩角五分的硬幣，往上拋硬幣，出現正麵就填“對”，反麵就填“不對”。隻用了30分鍾的時間，她就做完了，而此時別的同學還在冥思苦想。但離考試完畢還有最後幾分鍾時，麥西尼又開始瘋狂地拋硬幣。
監考官對她的所作所為很好奇，便走到她的桌旁停下問她是否有問題。
“我還好，半小時前我就答完了，現在我想從後往前的再檢查一遍。”她這樣解釋拋硬幣的原因。
Golden Wedding Anniversary
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” explained the man. “We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, ‘That’s once’. We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, ‘That’s twice.’ We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead. I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, ‘That’s once’.”
金婚紀念日
一對夫婦正在慶祝他們的金婚紀念日，他們多年平靜的生活，成為小鎮上流傳的佳話，一個小報記者要求采訪他們這段長久而幸福的婚姻的秘密。
“這要從我們的蜜月說起，”男的說，“我麼們去旅行了大峽穀，而且用騾子馱著行李走到了穀底，我們沒有走多遠，我妻子的騾子就跌倒了，妻子平靜地說：‘這是第一次’。我們繼續走遠了一些，騾子又跌倒了，我妻子又平靜地說：‘這是第二次’。我們又走了不到半裏，騾子第三次跌倒，我妻子從背包裏拿出了手槍，射死了那頭騾子。我開始想去阻止她這樣對待那頭騾子，可她看著我平靜地說‘這是第一次’”。
An Obituary
A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary. She called the obituary department and said, “This is what I want to print: Bernie is dead.” The man at the newspaper said, “But for $25 you are allowed to print six words.” The woman answered, “OK. Then print: Bernie is dead. Toyota for sale.”
訃 告
一個男的死了，他的妻子給報社打電話要刊登一個訃告。她接通了負責刊登訃告的部門的電話說：“我想刊登這句話：博尼死了。”報社負責人說：“25美元您可以刊登6個字。”妻子想了想說：“好吧，那就這樣登：博尼死了，本田車出售。”
Bad Luck
Sadie’s husband Jake has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his faithful wife stays by his bedside day and night.
One night, Jake comes to and motions for her to come closer. He says, “My Sadie, you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what, Sadie?”
“What dear?” she asked gently.
“I think you’re bad luck.”
運氣太差
莎迪的丈夫傑克已經昏迷好幾個月了，他忠實的妻子不分晝夜的陪在他的床邊。
一天晚上，傑克蘇醒過來，示意他的妻子離近些，然後他說：“我的莎迪，你和我一起曆經了多少的苦難呀，當我失業的時候，你在一旁支持我；當我生意失敗的時候，你在一旁陪伴我；當我被打傷的時候，你在一旁陪伴我；當我們失去房產時，你在一旁陪伴我；當我生病的時候，你依舊在我的身邊。你知道嗎，莎迪？”
“什麼，親愛的？”莎迪輕聲地問。
“我覺得你的運氣太差了。”
An Excuse
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. “There is no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.
“What in hell am I doing?” he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “I’ve had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before you can go!”
“Last week my wife ran off with a cop,” the man said, “and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”
“Have a nice night,” said the officer.
借 口
一個人剛剛買了一輛奔馳車，準備到州與州之間的公路上來一個夜晚兜風。他來到了最高處，微風輕輕拂過了他的發梢，這個人想讓自己的愛車大顯身手一番。指針指到了80英裏/小時，突然，他看到了身後有一個閃爍的紅藍燈，“他們根本就別想追上我的奔馳。”他心想，於是加足了馬力。指針指到 90，100，110，最後到了120，可那個燈還在後麵閃著。
“我到底在幹什麼呀！”他突然想到了什麼，馬上把車停在了路旁。警察走了過來，二話沒說就拿走了他的駕照，然後看了看駕照和車說：“我上晚班已很累了，這是我最後一次叫停車。你要是能給我了一個我從來沒聽過的借口，說明你為什麼開這快車，我就不再做什麼記錄了，你就可以離開。
“上星期我的妻子和一個警察跑了，”男的說，“我還以為你追我，是想把我妻子還給我呢！”
警察說：“過一個愉快的夜晚。”
A Restaurant
A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London. The waiter says, “Excuse me, but if you wanted the steak you might not get one as there is a shortage.”
The Texan said, “What’s a shortage?”
The Russian said, “What’s a steak?”
The New Yorker said, “What’s excuse me?”
餐館裏
一個德州人、一個俄國人和一個紐約人一起進了倫敦的一家餐館裏，服務員說：“打擾一下，如果您哪位想點牛排，我想我們無法滿足您，因為現在缺貨。”
德州人問：“缺貨是什麼意思？”
俄國人問：“牛排是什麼意思？”
美國人問：“打擾一下是什麼意思？”
A Day Off
So you want a day off. Let’s take a look at what you are asking for:
There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year, which leaves only 1 day available for work and I’ll be darned if you are going to take that day off!
休息一天
如果你要求休息一天，那就讓我們看看你一直都要求了些什麼：
一年有365天可以用來工作。其中有52個星期，每個星期中你都可以休息2天，這樣就剩下了261天可以用來工作。可是在每天當中你又有16個小時不工作，算起來這就是170天的時間，還有91天。你每天還要有30分鍾休息喝杯咖啡的時間，算起來每年就是23天，還剩下68天。每天一個小時的午飯時間，你又用了6天，還剩下22天可以用來工作。
通常每年你還要請2天的病假。這就隻剩20天可用來工作。可我們每年還有5天的假日，這樣工作的時間就減到了15天。每年還有14天的假期，這就隻下一天了，如果就這一天你還要休息，那我就要瘋了。
Be Still, My Heart
On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. “Be still, my heart,” thought the doctor, “my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!” Then the child spoke into the instrument, “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?”
後繼有人
在去往幼兒園的路上，一個醫生把她的聽診器留在了汽車座位上，她的小女兒拿起聽診器玩了起來。“我後繼有人了，”醫生心想，“我的女兒想要繼續我的事業！”接著小孩對著聽診器說：“歡迎來到麥當勞，我能為您做點什麼嗎？”
Quick Wit
A psychiatrist’s secretary walked into his study and said, “There’s a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he’s invisible.” The psychiatrist responded, “Tell him I can’t see him.”
腦筋急轉彎
一位精神學醫師的秘書走進他的書房，對他說：“有一位先生在候客廳，他想要見您，並聲稱自己是隱形人。” 醫師回答道：“告訴他，我看不見他。”
A College Graduate
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”
“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom - I’ll show you how.”
大學畢業生
一個年輕人被一家超市錄用了，第一天去報到的時候，超市經理微笑著與他握手致意，然後遞給他一個掃把，說道：“你的第一個工作是把商店打掃幹淨。”
“但是我是大學畢業生啊。”年輕人有些憤怒的答道。
“噢，很抱歉，我不知道是這樣。”經理說。“把掃把給我，我做個示範給你看。”
What are a Woman’s Four Favorite Animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and a jackass who’ll pay for it all.
女人最喜愛哪四種動物呢？
衣櫃裏的“水貂”，車庫裏的“美洲虎”，臥室裏的“猛虎”，和願意為她們買這些的“傻驢”。
A Birthday Present
The couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, “I’ll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.” Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and he doesn’t get her anything.
She says, “Why didn’t you get me a birthday present?”
He says, “You didn’t use what I got you last year!”
生日禮物
一對夫妻由於很多年都相處不融洽，所以丈夫想：“我要買一塊墓地送給我妻子做生日禮物。”你能想象他妻子有多失望。第二年，妻子的生日又到了，但是他沒有給她任何東西。
妻子說：“為什麼你不送給我生日禮物。”
丈夫回答：“因為去年我送你的生日禮物你沒有用。”
What is the Difference between a Lawyer and a Leech?
A leech will drop off a dead body.
律師和吸血鬼的差別是什麼？
吸血鬼榨取的是死人的身體罷了。
Jealous
There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn’t find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, “Great, so now you’re cheating on me with a bald woman!” The next night, when she didn’t smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, “She’s not only bald, but she’s too cheap to buy any perfume!”
猜疑心
曾有過這麼一個老婆，由於強烈的猜疑心，以至於每晚當他丈夫回家之後，她因為沒能從她丈夫的上衣上找到頭發而對他大吼道：“好啊！你竟然為了一個禿頭女人而欺騙我！”第二天晚上，她沒有聞到丈夫身上有香水味，她又對他大吼道：“她不僅是個禿頭女人，還是個窮的連香水都買不起的女人！”
Democrats and Republicans
Democrats make plans and then do something else. Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper. Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.
民主黨人和共和黨人
民主黨人做出計劃，然後把它放到一邊，而共和黨人則追隨其祖輩製定的計劃。
共和黨人認真研究報紙的財經版，而民主黨人卻將其墊在鳥籠底下。
DC and Dot com
A teacher asked one of her pupils, “Can you name our nation’s capital?”
The reply was, “Washington DC.”
When asked what the “DC” stood for, the pupil added, “Dot com!”
DC和 .COM
老師問一個學生：“你能說出我們首都的名稱嗎？”
學生回答：“華盛頓DC。”
老師又問道：“那麼‘DC’代表什麼呢？”
學生補充說：“.COM.”
（注：“.COM”為計算機網絡術語，是“商業網站”的意思。DC的意思“特區”）
Help, We’re Lost!