第四章
嶄新的奔馳車
奧斯卡駕駛著自己嶄新的奔馳汽車去他最喜愛的體育用品商店。他把車停在了外麵，到店裏去找經常為他服務的簡小姐看一些資料。簡是一位非常漂亮的金發女郎。奧斯卡走進店裏受到了她熱烈的歡迎。奧斯卡提出想先自己轉轉，再找簡幫忙。簡同意了。
5分鍾後，簡跑過來大叫著：“奧斯卡，奧斯卡！我剛才看到一個人把你的新奔馳車開走了！”
“我的天啊呀！你沒叫住他嗎？”
“沒有，”簡說：“我的方法更好，我記下了他的車牌號。”
Take What You Want
Two IT guys were walking across the park when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”
The second IT guy replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ‘Take what you want.’” The first IT guy nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”
隨你挑
兩個從事信息技術工作的男子穿過公園，其中一個說：“你從哪裏搞來了這麼一輛好自行車？”
第二個說：“我昨天在街上走，正在想我的工作，這時一個漂亮的女人騎著這車過來。她把車推倒在地上，脫下所有的衣服說：“隨你挑。”第一個男子點頭表示讚同地說：“你選的對，衣服不一定合適。”
Blondes in the Old West
Back in the old Wild West, there were two blond cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong sasparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian’s head under his arm.
The barman shakes his hand and says, “I hate Indians; last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children.” He then says, “If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I’ll give him one thousand dollars.”
The two blonds looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head. The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two nuts made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy.
Suddenly, Jeff said, “Dave, take a look at this.” Dave replied, “Not now, I’m busy.”
Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, “I really think you should look at this.” Dave said, “Look, you can see I’m busy. There’s a thousand dollars in my hand.” But Jeff was adamant. “Please, Dave, take a look at this.” So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians. Dave just shook his head and said, “Oh… my … God … we’re going to be millionaires!”
西部的金發牛仔
故事發生在很多年以前的西部，有兩位金發的牛仔。一個叫傑夫，一個叫大衛。一天，他們兩個人正在一個小酒館裏品嚐烈性酒，這時一個男的走進了酒館，腋下還夾了一個印第安人的頭。
酒店老板一邊搖手一邊說：“我討厭印第安人，上周那些可惡的家夥把我的穀倉燒為了平地，強暴了我的太太，殺死了我的孩子們，”他接著說：“如果誰能給我帶來印度安人的頭，我就給他1000美元。”
這兩個金發牛仔互相看了看，走出酒館去尋找印弟安人了。他們走了一段時間，突然看到了一個。傑夫向那個印第安人扔了一塊石頭，正擊中了他的腦袋。印第安人從馬上摔了下來，掉到了70英尺深的峽穀裏。他們兩個人沿著峽穀跑了下去。大衛取出了刀子正準備取下戰利品：印度安人的頭。
突然，傑夫說：“大衛，快看那邊。”大衛說：“現在不行，我正忙著呢。”
傑夫拍著他的肩膀說：“我真的希望你能看一下那邊。”
大衛說：“你沒看見我正在忙嗎，我現在手裏可是1000美元呢。”
可是傑夫堅持說：“大衛，你一定要看看那邊。”
於是大衛抬起頭來看，原來在峽穀的頂上有大約5000個印第安人。他搖著頭說：“我的天啊，我們要成百富翁了。”
Transportation Project
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto maker for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 74.7 percent of fatal crashes were, “Oh, Shit!”
Only the state of Texas was different, where 92.3 percent of the final words were, “Hey Y’all, hold my beer and watch this!”
交通運輸工具上的工程
國家交通運輸安全委員會最近宣布，在過去的五年中他們秘密資助美國汽車製造商進行了一項工程。汽車製造商們為四輪輕便小卡車安裝了黑匣子，這樣就可以知道在重大的交通事故發生前最後15秒鍾的情況。
他們驚奇地發現，在50個州中的49個，有74.7%的司機在發生嚴重的碰撞前，說的最後一個詞是“該死的！”
隻有德克薩斯州的司機與眾不同，92.3%的德州司機的最後一句話是：“嘿，夥計，拿著我的啤酒，小心！”
Anniversary
When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, “I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it.” In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?”
Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”
Hillary was shocked, but said, “I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we’ve been together.”
They hugged and made their peace. A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, “So why do you have all that money in the box?”
Bill answered, “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.”
紀念日
比爾和希拉裏剛結婚的時候，比爾說：“我在我們的床下放了一個盒子。你要答應我不打開看。”他們結婚三十年了，希拉裏一直都沒有打開過那隻盒子。可在他們結婚 30周年紀念日的下午，希拉裏再也忍不住她的好奇心了，她掀起了盒子蓋，偷偷地往裏看。盒子裏麵有三個空的啤酒罐和1874.25美元的現金。
晚飯後，希拉裏再也掩蓋不住自己的愧疚感了。她對比爾坦白說：“十分抱歉，這麼多年以來我一直遵守諾言沒有打開我們床底下的那個盒子。可是今天，我再也禁不住誘惑了。我現在想知道你為什麼在盒子裏保存了三個空瓶子？”
比爾想了想說：“我想經過了這麼年多，你也應該知道真相了。每當我做了對不起你的事情，我就會往床底下的盒子裏放一個瓶子，用這個來提醒我不能再繼續錯了。”
希拉裏大吃一驚，可她說：“我很失望和難過，可我想你一直在外奔波了這麼多年，一定會遇到很多外界的誘惑，比起我們在一起相處的這麼多年，3次又算得了什麼呢。”
他們擁抱在了一起，一切又恢複了平靜。過了一會兒，希拉裏頭問比爾：“那麼為什麼盒子裏還有那麼多錢呢？”
比爾回答說：“隻要盒子裏裝滿了空瓶子，我就把它們拿到回收站去換成現金。”
Visit to the Mall
A boy and his father visiting from a third world country were at Lakeside Mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, “What is this father?” The father responded, “Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is!”
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 years old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, “Go to get your mother”.
逛購物中心
一對來自第三世界國家的父子來到了湖岸購物中心。他們被眼前的一切驚呆了，特別是兩麵發光的銀牆，這牆不但可以分開，還可以合上。兒子問父親：“爸爸，這是什麼？”爸爸回答說：“兒子，我這輩子還從來沒見過這東西呢，我也不知道這是什麼。”
這對父子睜大了眼睛，他們看見一位坐輪椅的老太太，搖到那麵會移動的牆麵前按了一下按鈕，牆打開了，老太太搖著輪椅從兩麵牆的中間穿了過去，進了一個小屋子裏。牆合上了。男孩和他的爸爸看到牆上閃動著的寫有數字的小圓燈在向上移動。他們又看到那小圓燈又向相反的方向移動。牆打開了，從裏麵走出一位約24歲迷人的女人。
爸爸對兒子說：“走快去把你媽叫來。”
Technical Support
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”
“You must work in Technical Support,” says the balloonist.
“I do,” replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but completely useless.”
The man below says: “You must be in management.”
“I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re still in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”
技術支持
一個男的乘著熱汽球在天空中飛翔，可他發現自己迷路了。他降低了高度，看見下麵有一個人。於是他把汽球又降低了一些，對那個大喊：“打擾一下，您能告訴我這是哪裏嗎？”
下麵的那個男的說：“你現在正在熱汽球裏，漂浮在距離地麵30英尺的地方。”
乘熱汽球的人說：“你一定是在技術支持部門工作。”
男的說：“是的，您是怎麼知道？”
“您所告訴我的從技術上講完全正確，可是對我一點兒用都沒有。”
“那您一定是在管理門部工作。”
“是的，您又是怎麼知道的？”
“你不知道你在哪，也不知道要去哪，你希望得到我的幫助。我們見麵之前你就在那裏，現在仍然原地未動，但這卻成了我的責任了。”
Garden of Eden
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, “What is wrong with you?”
Adam said, “I don’t have anyone to talk to.”
God said, “I will give you a companion and it will be a woman.” He said, “This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make, she will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.”
“She will not nag,” God continued, “and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement, she will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever needed.”