第一章
Very Pleased to Meet You
During World War Two, a lot of young women in Britain were in the army. Joan Phillips was one of them. She worked in a big camp, and of course met a lot of men, officers and soldiers.
One evening she met Captain Humphrey at a dance. He said to her, “I’ m going abroad tomorrow, but I’d be very happy if we could write to each other.” Joan agreed, and they wrote for several months.
Then his letters stopped, but she received one from another officer, telling her that he had been wounded and was in a certain army hospital in England.
Joan went there and said to the matron, “I’ve come to visit captain Humphrey.”
“Only relatives are allowed to visit patients here,”the matron said.
“Oh, that’s all right,” answered Joan. “I’m his sister.”
“I’m very pleased to meet you,” the matron said, “I’m his mother!”
很高興認識你
第二次世界大戰期間，英國的許多青年婦女在軍中服役。瓊·菲利普斯就是其中的一個。她在一個大軍營裏工作，自然結識了許多男人，既有軍官，又有士兵。
一天晚上，她在舞會上認識了漢弗萊茲上尉。他對她說：“明天我將出國，如果我們能相互通信，我將非常高興。”瓊同意了。他們書信來往，數月不斷。
後來他的來信中斷了，但她收到另一位軍官的來信，信中告訴她漢弗萊茲受了傷，現住在英國某陸軍醫院裏。
瓊找到那家醫院，對護士長說：“我來探望漢弗萊茲上尉。”
“這裏隻允許親屬探望病人。”護士長說。
“哦，那好吧，”瓊回答說：“我是他妹妹。”
“很高興認識你，”護士長說：“我是他的母親。”
The Difference between Theory and Experiment
A guy was walking along the street one night, when he came upon a man--a theoretical physicist--on his hands and knees under a streetlight, searching the street. The fellow asked him what he was looking for, and the theoretician replied, “I’m looking for my car keys.” Being a helpful sort, the fellow started searching, too. After a time he asked, “Are you sure you lost them here?”
“Of course not,” replied the theoretician. “But at least there’s light here.”
理論與實踐的區別
一天晚上，一個小夥子在街上漫步時遇到了一個理論物理學家。隻見他正爬在路燈下，像是在尋找什麼東西。小夥子問他在找什麼。那個理論家回答：“我在找我的車鑰匙。”出於好心，小夥子也開始幫著他找鑰匙。過了會兒，小夥子問：“你確定鑰匙丟在這裏了嗎？”
“當然不是了，”理論家答道，“但是至少這兒有光亮。”
The Heavenly Doctor
A doctor died and went to heaven. When he got to the gates, he found that there was a long line to get in. He went to the front of the line and told the angel that since he was a doctor and that doctors are important people, he should be allowed to bypass the line and go right in.
The angel replied: “Up here, everyone is equal. Now, please go to the end of the line and wait your turn.” The doctor grumbled but did what was requested. After a while, someone with a white smock and stethoscope walked right past the line and straight in. The doctor ran right back to the angel and said: “Hey, how come you let that doctor right in and not me!” The angel replied: “That’s not a doctor; that is God playing Doctor.”
天國醫生
一個醫生死後升入了天堂，當他到達門口的時候發現那裏已經排了很長的隊伍。他走到隊前詢問天使既然自己是個醫生，而醫生又是很重要的人，所以他應該可以不用排隊就直接進去。
天使回答說：“得了，這裏人人都一樣，回去排隊。”醫生雖有一肚子怨言，可是還是按照天使說的做了。過了一會兒，一個身穿白大褂脖子上還掛著聽診器的人穿過隊伍徑直走了進去。那個醫生又跑到天使跟前問：“嘿，你怎麼能讓那個醫生進去而不讓我進去呢！”天使回答：“他不是醫生，他是上帝假扮成的醫生。”
Scotsman & Ticket Collector
A Scotsman, carrying a huge suitcase, has been riding a London bus for five miles along its route, all the while attempting to avoid the ticket collector.
Finally, the conductor manages to corner him and tells him to pay up: “You’ve been on for five miles--that’ll be 50 pennies, please, and 10 pennies for your suitcase.”
The Scotsman responds: “I haven’t, I want to have a penny fare, just got on this very moment.” They begin to argue, and the ticket collector become more and more enraged and finally, as the bus is passing over London bridge, he grabs the Scotsman’s suitcase, and hurls it out of the bus.
It lands in the river and sinks without a trace. The Scotsman stands shocked for a moment and says to the ticket collector, “Not only are you treat to overcharge me for the ticket--but now you’re gone a drowned my boy Jenny.”
蘇格蘭人和售票員
一個蘇格蘭人拎著一個很大的箱子，在開往倫敦的公車上，這輛車已經行駛了五英裏了。他時刻都想著避開售票員逃票。
後來售票員還是發現了他，叫他補票。“你已經坐了五英裏了，50便士，你的箱子還要交10便士。”
那個蘇格蘭人答道：“我沒有，我剛剛才上來，我想隻掏一便士的車錢。”於是他們開始吵了起來，售票員越聽越生氣，最後當車子行駛到倫敦大橋時他抓起蘇格蘭人的那個大箱子順著車窗扔了出去。
箱子掉進了河裏沉了下去。那個蘇格蘭人在那裏怔了片刻，然後對售票員說：“你不但想超收我的車錢，還淹死了我的兒子強尼。”
I Didn’t Know That I was So Far Back Already!
A big battle was going on during the First World War. Guns were firing, and shells and bullets were flying about everywhere. After an hour of this, one of the soldiers decided that the fighting was getting too dangerous for him, so he left the front line and began to go away from the battle. After he had walked for an hour, he saw an officer coming towards him. The officer stopped him and said, “Where are you going?”
“I’m trying to get as far away as possible from the battle that’s going on behind us, sir,” the soldier answered.
“Do you know who I am?” the officer said to him angrily. “I’m your commanding officer.”
The soldier was very surprised when he heard this and said, “My God, I didn’t know that I was so far back already!”
真沒想到我已經往回跑了這麼遠!
第一次世界大戰期間，一場大戰役正在進行。槍炮轟鳴、子彈橫飛。這樣持續了一小時後，有個士兵認為戰鬥太危險了，所以他離開前線，開始逃離戰場。走了一個小時後，他看見一個軍官朝他走來。軍官攔住他，問道：“你到哪兒去?”
“長官，我正盡力躲開身後正在進行的戰鬥。”士兵回答說。
“你知道我是誰嗎?”軍官生氣地說，“我是你們的指揮官。”
士兵聽了十分驚訝地說：“天哪，真沒想到我已經往回跑了這麼遠了！”
Two Dollars
Jim walked into a store, which had a sign outside: “Second-hand clothes bought and sold.” He was carrying an old pair of pants and asked the owner of the store, “How much will you give me for these?” The man looked at them and then said rudely, “Two dollars.”
“What!” said Jim，“I had guessed they were worth at least five?”
“No,” said the man, “they aren’t worth a penny more than two dollars.”
“Are you sure?” asked Jim.
“Very sure,” said the man.
“Well,” said Jim, taking two dollars out of his pocket, “here’ s your money. These pants were hanging outside your store with a price tag that said $ 6. 50,but I thought that was too much money, so I wanted to make sure how much they were really worth.” Then he walked out of the store with the pair of pants and disappeared before the surprised storeowner could think of anything to say.
兩元錢
吉姆走進一家掛著“舊衣服買賣”招牌的店鋪。他手上拿著一條舊褲子，問店主：“這條褲子你給多少錢?”店主看了他一眼，粗魯地說：“兩塊錢!”
吉姆說：“什麼?我認為至少值五塊錢呢！”
店主又說：“不！就是兩塊錢，絕不會多一分錢。”
吉姆說：“你那麼肯定?”
店主說：“當然了!”
吉姆一麵從口袋拿出兩塊錢，一麵說：“好!給你錢，這條褲子本來是掛在貴店外麵的，標價是六塊五。但我認為太貴了，所以我想確定一下，它究竟值多少錢。”
說完，趁著這位驚訝不已的主人能想出任何回答的話之前，他就帶著那條褲子走出店門而不見人影了。
How Much is It？
It was winter, and Mrs. Hermann wanted to do a lot of shopping, so she waited until it was Saturday, when her husband was free, and she took him to the shops with her to pay for everything and to carry her parcels. They went to a lot of shops, and Mrs. Hermann bought a lot of things. She often stopped and said, “Look, Joe！Isn’t that beautiful!”
He then answered, “All right, dear，How much is it?” And took his money out to pay for it.
It was dark when they came out of the last shop, and Mr. Hermann was tired and thinks about other things, like a nice drink by the side of a warm fire at home. Suddenly his wife looked up at the sky and said, “Look at that beautiful moon, Joe！”
Without stopping, Mr. Hermann answered, “All right, dear, how much is it?”
多少錢？
冬天就要來了，荷曼太太想采購一大堆的東西，所以她就一直等到周六丈夫有空的時候，她拖著他去商店付錢連帶拎包裹。他們去了許多家商店，荷曼太太買了很多很多東西。她經常停下腳步說：“看，喬伊!那個多漂亮！”
他總是回答：“好吧！親愛的，多少錢?”然後掏錢去付款。
他們從最後一家商店出來的時候夜幕已降臨，荷曼先生已累得筋疲力盡了，他心想著其他事情，比如，在家裏暖暖的火爐邊喝著美酒。突然他太太仰望天空，說道：“看，喬伊，多麼美的月亮啊！”
荷曼先生不假思索地答道：“好吧，親愛的。多少錢?”
Where am I
Nat lived in a small town in England. He always stayed in England for his holidays, but then last year he thought, “I’ve never been outside this country. All my friends go to Spain, and they like it very much, so this year I’m going to go there too.”
First he went to Madrid and stayed in a small hotel for a few days. On the first morning he went out for a walk. In England people drive on the left, but in Spain they drive on the right. Nat forgot about this, and while he was crossing a busy street, a bicycle knocked him down.
Nat lay on the ground for a few seconds and then he sat up and said: “where am I?” An old man was selling maps at the side of the street, and he at once came to Nat and said, “map of the city, sir?”
我這是在哪兒？
蘭特住在英格蘭的一座小鎮上，假期總是呆在國內。但是去年，他想：“我從未出過國。我所有的朋友都去西班牙度假，都覺得那兒很不錯，今年我也要去那兒一趟。”