1 So Fast
When a snail crossed the road, he was run over by a turtle. Regaining consciousness in the emergency room, he was asked what caused the accident.
“I really can’t remember. ”the snail replied,“You see, it all happened so fast. ”
太快了
一個蝸牛過馬路，被一個烏龜從身上軋過。在急救室裏它恢複了知覺，有人問它事故是怎樣發生的。
“我真的記不起來了，”蝸牛回答說。“你瞧，一切發生得都太快了。”
2 The Clever Dog
A little boy was practicing his violin, while his father sat reading the newspaper.
The family dog began to howl along dismally. Finally, the father could endure the combination no more and said,“Can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know？”
聰明的狗
一個小男孩在練習小提琴，他的父親在讀報紙。隨著小男孩的琴聲，家裏養的狗也開始高一聲低一聲地叫起來。最後，小男孩的父親實在忍不下去了，說：“難道你就不能拉一些狗聽不懂的曲子嗎？”
3 Three Dollars
A dog owner claimed that his pet, when given money, would go to the news stall to buy a newspaper. His friend insisted on a demonstration and handed the dog some money. The dog trotted off, but an hour later, he had still not returned with the paper.
“How much did you give him？ ”asked the owner.
“Three dollars.”
“Well, that explains it. When you give him three dollars, he goes to a movie.”
三元
一位養狗人聲稱，要是給他的愛犬一些錢，它便會到賣報亭買份報紙來。他的朋友堅持要來個演示，並給了狗一些錢。狗一溜小跑著去了。但一個小時過去了，仍不見它帶報紙回來。
“你給了它多少錢？”狗的主人問。
“三元。”
“這就是了。你給它三元錢時，它就會去看電影。”
4 The Parrot
A man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot.
“We have three.”says the clerk,“This blue one speaks four languages and costs $100, and the red parrot knows six languages and costs $200. The orange one over there costs $300, but doesn’t talk at all.”
“Three thousand!”exclaims the man,“How come so much？”
“Well, ”the clerk goes on,“we don’t know what he does, but the other two call him‘boss’. ”
鸚鵡
一個人去寵物店買鸚鵡。
“我們有三隻。”店員說，“這隻藍色的會說四種語言，價值100美元；這隻紅色的懂六種語言，價值200美元；那隻橙色的價值300美元，但什麼話也不說。”
“300元！”那人大聲叫道，“怎麼這麼貴？”
“噢，”店員接著說道，“我們也不知道為什麼，但另兩隻鸚鵡都叫它‘老板’。”
5 Three Mice
Three mice walked into a pub. The first mouse bragged,“When I see a mousetrap, I set it off, and when the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench‐press it 20 times to work up an appetite and then make off with the cheese. ”
The second mouse bragged,“Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I grind it up and add it to my coffee to build up my strength. ”
The third mouse said,“Can’t stay long. I’ve got a date with a cat. ”
三隻老鼠
三隻老鼠走進了一家酒店。第一隻老鼠吹噓說：“我看到捕老鼠器時，就把它弄開。當鐵柵欄落下時，我就用牙咬住它，上下推舉20次，以此來激發我的食欲，然後帶著奶酪溜之大吉。”
第二隻老鼠誇口說：“我看見鼠藥時，就把它嚼成碎末，然後加進我的咖啡，以此來增加我的力量。”
第三隻老鼠說：“我不能久留。我和一隻貓還有個約會呢。”
6 A Drunken Cab
A male crab asked a female crab to marry him.She noticed that he was walking straight instead of sideways.“Wow, ”she thought,“this crab is really special. I can’t let him get away.”So they got married immediately.
The next day she noticed her new husband walking sideways like all the other crabs, and got upset.“What happened？”she asked,“You used to walk straight before we married.”
“Oh, honey, ”he replied,“I can’t drink that much every day.”
喝醉的螃蟹
一隻公螃蟹向一隻母螃蟹求婚。母螃蟹注意到，這隻公螃蟹走路直著走，而不是橫著爬。“哇！”她心想，“這隻螃蟹可真特別。我絕不能錯過他。”於是他們立馬結婚了。
第二天，母螃蟹發現她的新婚老公竟然橫著爬，與其他螃蟹沒有什麼兩樣，她很是沮喪。“怎麼回事？”她問道，“我們結婚前你是直著走路的。”
“哦，親愛的，”公螃蟹回答道，“我總不能每天都喝高吧。”
7 Dog Property Rules
1. If I like it, it’s mine.
2. If it’s in my mouth, it’s mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
5. If I’m chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
6. If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.
7. If it just looks like mine, it’s mine.
8. If I saw it first, it’s mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically beacomes mine.
10. If it’s broken, it’s yours.
狗的財產規則
1. 如果我喜歡它，它就是我的。
2. 如果它在我嘴裏，它就是我的。
3. 如果我把它從你那兒拿過來了，它就是我的。
4. 如果一刻鍾以前我擁有了它，它就是我的。
5. 如果我正在嚼什麼東西，所有的碎渣都是我的。
6. 如果它就是我的，那麼無論怎樣，它永遠不可能是你的。
7. 如果它看起來是我的，它就是我的。
8. 如果我先看到它，它就是我的。
9. 如果你在玩什麼東西而你把它放下了，那麼它就自動歸為我的。
10. 如果它壞了，它就是你的了。
8 What Did the Chicken Do
Sam’s parrot was always using bad language, so he asked the vet how he could stop it.“Every time the bird swears, put it in the freezer for 15 seconds.”advised the vet.
The next time the parrot uttered an expletive, Sam did as the vet said.Then, feeling guilty, Ted opened the freezer.
Shivering, the parrot came out saying,“I’m sorry for all the bad language I’ve been using. ”Sam was astounded at the sudden change.Then the parrot said,“by the way, what did the chicken do？”
那隻雞犯了什麼錯
山姆的鸚鵡總是說髒話，所以他就問獸醫怎麼才能製止。獸醫建議道：“每次它一說髒話，你就把它放在冰箱裏關它十五秒鍾。”
等到鸚鵡又說髒話時，山姆就照獸醫的話做了。過了一會兒，山姆覺得這樣不太好，就又打開了冰箱。
鸚鵡凍得瑟瑟發抖，出來後說道：“我對我說髒話的行為道歉。”對於如此突如其來的轉變，山姆很驚訝。鸚鵡接著問道：“另外，能問一下那隻雞犯了什麼錯嗎？”
9 Get the Umbrella
Three turtles decided to have a cup of coffee. Just as they got into the cafe, it started to rain. The biggest turtle said to the smallest one,“Go home and get the umbrella.”
The little turtle replied,“I will if you don’t drink my coffee.”
“We won’t, ”the other two promised.
Two years later the big turtle said to the middle turtle,“Well, I guess he isn’t coming back, so we might as well drink his coffee.”
Just then a voice called from outside the door,“If you do, I won’t go.”
小烏龜取傘
三隻烏龜打算去喝咖啡。它們剛爬進咖啡店，天就開始下起雨來。於是最大的那個烏龜對最小的烏龜說：“回家去拿把傘來。”
小烏龜回答道：“如果你們不喝我的咖啡，我就去。”
“我們不會的。”那兩個烏龜承諾道。
兩年後，大烏龜對中等個頭的烏龜說：“好吧，我猜它不會回來了，我們還是把它的咖啡喝掉吧。”
就在這時，一個聲音從門外傳來：“你們要是喝我的咖啡，我就不去啦。”
10 Bat‐infestation Problems
Three pastors got together for coffee one day and found all their churches had bat‐infestation problems.
“I got so mad,”said one,“I took a shotgun and fired at them.It made holes in the ceiling, but did nothing to the bats.”
“I tried trapping them alive. ”said the second,“Then I drove 50 miles before releasing them, but they beat me back to the church.”
“I haven’t had any more problems.”said the third.
“What did you do？”asked the other, amazed.
“I simply baptized and confirmed them, ”he replied,“I haven’t seen them since.”
蝙蝠困擾問題
有一天，三個牧師去喝咖啡，發現他們的教堂都有受蝙蝠困擾的問題。
“我快要發瘋了，”其中一名牧師說，“我帶了一支獵槍，向它們射擊。槍在天花板上打了好幾個窟窿，但蝙蝠毫毛未損。”
“我曾試著活捉它們，”第二個牧師說，“然後我驅車走了五十英裏才把它們放開，但它們又追著我回到了教堂。”