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一九九九年一個晴朗的秋日，我騎著一輛破舊的自行車，馱著我的第一部長篇小說退稿，在白石橋至平安裏之間的大街小巷裏沮喪穿行。這已經是第二次遭到退稿了。我的創作史也可以說就是一部退稿史，從童年到中年，從短篇小說到中篇小說，退稿似乎就是我寫作的影子，我走多快它跟多快。按說，像我這樣一個老油條，對退稿應該有充分的思想準備，但是這一次卻不行，我覺得打擊特別大，原因至少有三個：一是我認為這是我最有想法的作品。我一九九一年從解放軍藝術學院畢業之後，到解放軍出版社當編輯，幾乎天天跟戰史、軍史乃至兵法、戰術打交道，還編輯過和幫助若幹戰將整理過回憶錄，自認為在戰爭文化這個爐膛裏已經煉得真經，對於戰爭、戰爭人物、戰爭情感的深入理解，比起別的作家有得天獨厚的優勢，這部作品幾乎是我能夠達到的最高境界，然而卻被迎頭潑了一瓢涼水，豈不灰心？第二，這部作品也是我的第一部長篇，從構思到初稿完成，酷暑寒冬，幾度春秋，夜不能寐，食不甘味，充滿了希望，充滿了期待，期望值越高，失望度就越大。最後一點，也是最重要的一點，這部作品凝聚了我對小說的諸多理解，從醞釀、設計、寫作，再到反複修改，可以說使盡了渾身解數，較之同時期創作的另一部作品《仰角》，下的功夫應在後者三倍以上，可結果卻是連出版水平都達不到，我不能不對自己的文學功底產生懷疑，同時也對小說判斷